Another day, Another struggle

So here I am again, in the same position that I was in yesterday. Every day is a struggle that is for sure. It requires effort to do something different, to exert oneself, but once one has taken that first step, they should congratulate themselves and feel happy at the fact that they made a move.

Oh life, you deceived me, that is for sure. You promised me joy, happiness, excitement, yet here I am feeling miserable and feeling alone. Yes, there are people out there who offer to help me but the truth is, they can’t. Sometimes they make it worse or they just don’t know what to say or do. They’re just fragile, imperfect humans themselves.

Life is tough that is for sure. God help me and bring me back to the best place – a place where I can feel secure.

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Making a Deal with Myself

It is on the weekends that I struggle. I struggle to get out of bed and face the world, do the things I need to do, face the demands of my course. I wish I could be in charge of my life, have autonomy and do what is in my own best interests. However, I need to meet the demands of others which can be frustrating.

I lie in bed and procrastinate and that is when my mind becomes filled with negative thoughts. I think of the past, the person who hurt me, how much I hated her actions, the injustice of it all. I also feel low about myself, my flaws, the fact that I just haven’t been striving to fulfil the requirements of being a Muslim – i.e. praying five times a day. I think, what does God think of me? Will He accept me? I don’t think I love God enough these days for if I truly loved Him, appreciated Him and honoured Him, I would feel the enthusiasm to worship Him but I don’t. I sometimes hesitate about whether I should express this but Allah already knows what is going on in my mind, even better than myself.

I feel angry at the world, maybe even at God Himself for the fact that I did so much but yet I feel like I achieved nothing. I then feel bad at feeling this way.

I need to learn to be more grateful as there is so much goodness in my life. I have wealth when I could have been poor or homeless. I have friends in my life (yes, I am disappointed that I don’t see them as much as I’d like to) but there are people around me who care about me, I just don’t appreciate it enough.

I just feel like I’m hating on life at the moment and just seeing the flaws in everything, which isn’t a good way to live. Yes, the world sucks. Yes, the rich exploits the poor and I am of that poor. I feel exploited by the wealthy and the elite. Yes, I have my own agenda but I am part of a system that does not honour me and my own human worth/set of values. 

I need to find some sort of peace with myself and find a way forward. I can’t have everything I want in life so I will have to make a deal with myself. If I finish Medicine, then I can make my parents happy and I will have money. Having money will help me to further my aims and interests. Also, I should not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Allah is taking care of us. So I should definitely work on my relationship with Allah. I could turn to Him at any time and at any point but I just haven’t done so.

He is waiting up there and He needs to become my ultimate friend.

How I’m feeling right now

So here I am, by myself. It sometimes feels like I’m alone and no-one really understands me. But then I wonder to myself, are people even supposed to understand me? 

My expectations of the world and of the people around me have been too high. I feel sad that people seem so far away from me. Everyone is so busy doing their own thing, chasing their own dreams, trying to make something of their own lives, which is understandable. But I just wish that I was more important to people and it feels like I’m not.

But maybe that is due to me as well, maybe I need to reach out and tell people that I’m not doing ok. But on the other hand, I don’t want to expose my flaws and my weaknesses to them. I don’t want them to judge me or treat me differently or view me in a negative light.

Ever since I lost a friendship that was so dear to me, my self-esteem has just dropped to the ground. I’ve become more self-conscious about what people think of me and how I’m coming across. Maybe I just want to belong somewhere, fit in, be happy around people but I just feel sad everywhere.

Then I have these doubts about the career I have chosen. What is the point I feel sometimes? What do I have to look forward to? Who will I be serving? Life just feels so miserable right now. The world looks miserable and I just can’t motivate myself to do anything. Sometimes I’d rather just stay in bed and do nothing. But then I get bored of that and just crave excitement or get hungry or need the toilet. Nature is beautiful.

Oh world, you deceived me. You made me think I was supposed to enjoy life but I don’t. I feel stuck and not really sure where to go, so I’m just allowing my circumstances to pull me along. 

I’m not practising enough either. Oh Lord, please save me.

Just some Problems

I wish life was different. I sit here wondering what to do as I just allow life to sweep me away. I continue to get things done with a minimal level of exertion, not really doing the things I feel passionate about, just doing what they want me to do. It’s so frustrating to be here sometimes. I know I’m not alone and I know it’s going to be tough but inshaAllah we will get through this. I am looking forward to that feeling of it being over, but at the same time I know that once this phase is over, something more difficult will begin.

I hate the system and I just want to complain about it. I know complaining doesn’t change things but it makes me feel better to know that certain deficiencies or my inability to keep up with things isn’t necessarily my fault. I’m just part of a stupid system that I can’t change.

However, I accept I need to comply with it in order to get what I want and achieve my end goal.

I’m making so many sacrifices and I feel so unhappy about the people I have lost and the fact that I compromise every day on my faith (the most important thing of all).

Oh Lord, please help me and save me

A poem on these deep, dark thoughts

Some days I feel low,

And I don’t know what to do.

This black fog is here,

The one that makes me feel miserable.

About everything and nothing in particular,

Just life in general,

Everything seems awful and then,

I shut down emotionally.

I wish I had the mental stamina,

To continue living in a good way.

These morals make living difficult.

I feel the shaytan is pushing me towards kufr.

Which would be the worst thing ever.

It would be the ultimate failure and defeat.

But I’m not there yet,

So I must continue inshaAllah.

Give myself a break,

Practice some loving compassion and warmth towards myself.

That sad things happen around us,

And that’s just the way it is.

It’s the way it always will be.

As I sit in this café,

Going through this existential crisis,

That I’m having right now.

A poem on my current pain

There’s too much pain inside me,

Of things I haven’t dealt with,

People I shrugged off.

All the issues that weren’t issues for me,

As I put them aside,

Didn’t care.

Now suddenly I am facing life again,

It’s all there in front of me,

Laid out in my mind.

But I want to brush it aside gently,

Not forever,

Just for the moment,

While I tackle something that is important to me,

A race I need to win,

A race I want to win,

For myself and for my family.

I can’t please everyone,

I must find solace in things I like and enjoy.

So they lift me up,

And make me feel useful, valid, wanted in peoples’ lives.

Where is my deen?

It’s disappearing and that’s another issue.

Things are always changing,

And when things become grim,

I must remind myself,

That things picked up before,

All things that appear to have no solutions,

Will pick up.

Things will be ok.

Everything will be ok inshaAllah.

A poem on painful feelings

I wish I could express to you,

How much pain you brought to my life,

And how angry I am that you left me behind,

Dropped me and carried on like normal.

How dare you! Ditch me like waste.

I had no-one while you do.

Gracefully carrying on with your perfect life,

Whilst I suffered and made sacrifices.

One day, I hope that justice is served.

That we get what we deserve,

If we deserve it. 

I struggle to see what is right or wrong these days,

Just surrounded by ignorance and people chasing their desires.

I chase my desires too so I can be similar to those around me,

To fit in and have things to talk about.

Or else I’m just a lonely soul, different to everyone else.

I don’t fit in anywhere and my family just feels divided.

Oh Allah, please save us all.

I don’t know what will happen to us.

A poem on how I struggle

I find life quite grim,

The weather is grim,

People are grim and so I try,

To muster up the strength and enthusiasm,

To get out of bed and leave the flat,

To pay attention to,

Everything I am supposed to attend.

It’s a daily struggle and I’m determined to continue,

Not to give everything to the fight,

As I need to relax and enjoy myself too,

But to attain some balance, some sanity, some calm amongst the busyness.

I don’t know how to live at times.

There’s me, me as a medic, me as a Muslim and me as a daughter,

And there’s the me that is trying to blend it all together,

To make sense of all these roles,

To not carry one role into the other.

To be present and to love.

I’m struggling to love those who bring me pain, who stood in front of me and stopped me,

From doing what I wanted to do,

Who tried to control my life.

I can’t handle it, I need to scream.

Maybe I should scream, I don’t know.

But I’m just living as a highly conflicted and confused Muslim,

In a world where nothing really makes sense.

I need to turn to God.

I know He is waiting,

But I prioritise everything else,

And come to the Lord just when I can’t cope anymore,

So maybe the pain and the sorrow is a good thing.

A Poem on suppressed feelings

You let me down,

I was waiting for you,

To lead me, provide some direction, guidance,

But you had had enough.

You went silent, spent time away from me.

When I reached breaking point,

And I turned to you,

You lashed out,

The emotions and anger you had been bottling up came out,

That you couldn’t handle me anymore,

I tried to engage you in some sort of dialogue,

But you walked away,

Unnegotiating.

I was angry, so angry.

How dare you do this to me?

It was cruel.

It was painful.

That pain emerges every now and again.

You left me, dropped me,

While you just picked up and carried on.

You pushed the blame on me.

There’s so much hurt within me.

Which I can’t express to anyone.

You were in the wrong,

You mishandled me.

I hate you for doing this to me.

However, I learnt things.

Human beings can’t be fully depended on.

To be questioning and critical.

That I do have the strength to pick myself up,

To walk on the path of recovery,

To build my life back again,

To inspire myself,

Motivate myself.

My ego was bruised,

But the pain lessens day by day.

Some days it emerges,

When I’m lost or confused about other things,

The pain and the memories come flooding back,

You broke me,

But I acknowledge it was meant to be this way.

That God had aligned our lives and then split us apart.

I don’t fully agree with how you separated from me,

Though maybe you were just lost yourself,

And felt guilty for my pain,

So maybe you thought locking me out was the only way.

It must be sad to feel responsibility for someone else,

To take on their burden when they were too weak to do it themselves.

I don’t know how our lives will map out,

There’s so much uncertainty in the future.

This is the part when I need to tell myself,

That God is responsible for the future,

Not me.

A poem on chasing the world

We’re all searching for happiness,

In objects, people, experiences, our faith.

Happiness doesn’t last as feelings are temporary.

We’re chasing fleeting emotions.

I sit here with my books open,

Listening to the wind howling outside,

And I wonder to myself,

What do I do? What do I chase?

I’m in the middle of an existential crisis again,

One thing solves itself and another appears,

Just when you think life is on track and you’re happy,

Things change and it’s all out of your control.

I’m trying to see the positive side to it,

The betrayal, the injustice, the loneliness.

That maybe God is preparing me for a better afterlife, or I hope He is.

Jannah has been promised for the believers.

Eventhough it is hard to be a believer,

It is hard to pray at times,

It is hard to do the right thing when everyone else wants to do the wrong thing,

And sometimes you just don’t know what is true anymore,

You feel lost and empty,

Like you’re a slave to the dunya,

Just chasing the world like everyone else,

Part of the rat race.

I want to be loved,

Why do I feel unloved?

Is it the movies, the tv, the world?

Romanticising relationships, 

When actually they are probably quite painful and challenging to handle right?

Two people with different thoughts, lifestyles, aims, coming together,

Trying to synchronise their lives, expectations, etc.

Oh world, you let me down.

Why do I keep chasing you?

I know why I do as I am surrounded by you.

I see you every day.

The truth isn’t always clear,

It’s surrounded by falsehood too,

By grey, murky waters.

The path to jannah will be hard.

We need to keep strong,

And keep paddling along.

Sometimes the sea will be calm,

Sometimes a few ripples,

Other times there will be waves,

The waves will come towards you,

And it will feel like you will tip over,

But Allah will save you,

He has your back.

I know our faith might be weak at times,

But sometimes He is the only reason I continue being,

He is sustaining me, though I don’t always acknowledge it,

Or thank Him.