There’s just been a whole lot of uncertainty in my life recently,
Uncertainty about how to spend my time,
About what is the most important to me,
About where I should go and who I’d like to be close to.
And I also wonder whether I should think long-term or short-term.
I feel like I’ve been anticipating the future for too long,
Dreaming about things I would like to do,
That I almost feel as if I’m not being realistic,
I’m not living in the present and I’m almost overlooking the present and trying to sidestep it,
And I’m feeling miserable because I’m just in my thoughts.
Today was a different day,
I decided to invest in myself by going shopping,
I decided I wasn’t going to be overly rational and sensible with my choices about what to buy,
I would just buy what I liked and found visually appealing,
I was in the moment,
It felt nice and good to just try to colour co-ordinate,
I wasn’t stressing about making the right or the best choices,
I was just doing whatever I fancied,
I felt I was making my inner self happy.
I had also done two non-urgent chores that I had been putting off for a while,
And so I felt nice and accomplished to have done that.
My counsellor pointed out that it was things for myself that I keep putting off,
So I almost felt determined to do more things for myself now,
More things for enjoyment,
And not doing things simply because I have to,
Doing things because I want to.
And I wasn’t really honouring myself, like looking after my environment, tidying my room, buying things for myself,
When I think that looking after the short-term is important,
It’s concerned with the here and now,
Why concern yourself fully with the future when you might pass over to the next life soon.
I’m not sure how much to think about the future,
In this current day and age, you’re expected to plan, save-up, think about pensions, etc,
People tell you to create a vision board or make an action plan for your dreams,
But what if it’s not as simple as that,
What if your dreams are the type that aren’t so straightforward,
That you don’t really know how you will get there,
When you don’t really have the means,
When you need to be fully and solely dependent on Allah for Him to open the doors to your dreams,
For Him to place the rungs on the ladder so you can climb upto the place you want to go?
Those are the dreams that I have,
And so I need to wholeheartedly pray to my Lord, that He makes my dreams a reality,
And He makes it easy for me to live this life,
Live within a life where I feel so out of tune with the people around me,
Where I live so differently, think differently and feel differently about the world,
One can really feel like an outsider,
Like they don’t really belong,
And that feeling can be quite uncomfortable,
But I wonder whether that is something that I’m just going to learn to accept,
Because the true believers are like strangers,
We don’t imitate the disbelievers and try to live like them,
We don’t need to copy them with how we live, how we go on holiday, how we take breaks,
How we buy houses and settle down as if we’ll live here forever,
We believers should invest in our akhirah,
Give our money away to the ummah,
Not be overly concerned about buying houses and settling down,
The real place of settlement is within the next life.
And so maybe I need to reroute and make more short-term goals,
I think that is what I would like to do,
Things that will grant me a sense of relief and accomplishment,
Things that will make me happy.
I need to care for myself and my wellbeing,
There’s been far too much self-neglect lately,
I need to start washing my clothes regularly, taking care of my appearance,
And maybe that strong sense of wellbeing might start spilling out into all other areas.
I need to seize the day and try to take control of it as much as I can, by the will of Allah,
I do have the power to decide how to spend my time inshaAllah,
Allah will decide the outcome,
But I need to find some direction and move forward inshaAllah.
And as for the longer term things,
I should leave that to Allah,
And hope for and pray for the best opportunities inshaAllah.