Being Brave and Bold :)

I’ve made the decision,

And I want to be bold,

And just go for it 🙂

It feels like the right thing to do,

Yes, in my mind in the last few days I have been thinking of all the things that could go wrong,

But what if this could work?

What if this can bring happiness and fulfilment to my life for the sake of Allah,

What if we can support each other and care for each other,

What if it gives me energy and reasons for living,

I’m excited about the possibilities,

About things my mind might not have even thought of,

The future is vast and Allah is in control of the outcomes,

I don’t need to think of that,

All I need to do is try to follow the sunnah 🙂

Advertisements

Contemplating The Future I Would Like To Have

The Eid festivities are over,

Now here I am back to contemplating life again,

I am forever contemplating,

Perhaps too much,

But that’s just the way I am and have always been.

There were times in my life where I loved being me,

But in the last year or two, I have longed to live someone else’s life,

Other people seem to have it easier,

Or seem to have the qualities needed to cope,

But I know that that’s not quite the case,

Today I was reminded of one case,

Of a lady who had suffered and who was struggling to make it on her own,

I’m glad I’m not in her shoes,

And I hope Allah makes it easy for her,

And keeps her on the straight path.

I’ve been thinking about marriage,

But at the same time, I’m procrastinating too,

It feels uncomfortable to take that first step,

To break through the anxiety and overcome my fears,

My fear of rejection, my fear of not being important to the other person,

My fear of it not working out and just adding further chaos to my life.

It’s normal and natural to be nervous about pursuing a potential new relationship,

But it would be almost cowardly to not try, to not push for one’s dreams,

To not pursue something that feels meaningful to you,

And so I have to try,

Regardless of what I think the end result might be,

At least I tried and I could feel comfortable knowing that I had tried,

As long as I obey Allah and don’t transgress upon any of His boundaries,

It won’t be wrong to knock on this door,

The outcome lies with Allah.

I’m scared of what my family will think too,

How they will judge me, condemn me, think my decision making is poor,

But that isn’t their decision to make,

It’s not their choice,

We are all adults now and we can make our own choices,

I’ll have to stand up tall,

Like that gracious oak tree that is facing a strong gust of wind,

And if it turns into a tornado,

I can’t get caught up in the tornado,

I must continue being gracious and tall like that oak tree,

Rise up above it all,

Refuse to argue or participate in the storm,

The storm will pass, like all other storms,

The storm has the potential to knock things down,

But I insist that this time I don’t get knocked down,

I must remain firmly planted in the ground inshaAllah,

I must pray to Allah that He keeps me strong and unwavering,

I will receive all that I am destined to receive inshaAllah.

My Fears Right Now About Embarking Upon Something New

I just feel nervous and scared,

I feel unsure and worried about what I’m about to do,

What I’d like to do,

It just doesn’t feel right in a way,

But staying stuck doesn’t feel right either,

Standing still for a long time doesn’t seem quite right.

And so I want to take those steps and set off lightly,

Not make any rash decisions or act harshly,

Not push this or impose myself upon another,

Just assess where we’re at,

See if there is interest,

There may be or there may not be,

Things might work, things might not.

I feel powerless and weak in the face of my fate,

As if I’m not really in control,

I can’t control my environment or change the scene that ensues,

I can’t prevent the drama,

I just have to act in a way that I think is right,

Pursue my interests,

And then try to be calm, honest and gentle with myself and the people around me,

Be kind to others, but honour my own wishes and be kind to myself too,

It feels a little unsettling to want to move onto the next phase of my life,

To let go of what I’m familiar with, my comfort zone towards people who are strange to me.

It’s easy to stay within the confines of what you’ve always had,

I don’t really want to think about the future,

It feels unknown and scary,

But some things have to change,

And I need to honour the sunnah too.

I hope that Allah provides an opening,

He is Al-Fattah after all.

The Different Types of People I Know

Someone I know once questioned,

Why is it that Muslims are split into two camps – religious ones and political ones?

I had never thought to make that distinction,

Instead, through my observations I have picked up on so many different camps of Muslims,

Some don’t really practise the religion but yet choose to identify themselves as Muslim, they might not know the essentials of the faith,

And on the opposite extreme, there are those who seem to be very practising and religious, yet completely non-political,

It’s as if they’ve completely distanced themselves from the problems in the world,

It’s almost as if they don’t acknowledge or take any responsibility for what is happening within our ummah,

They are passive, ignorant and choose to follow those who seem to offer the safest option,

These two camps are by far, not the only two camps, there are definitely others,

But these are the ones that stand out to me, they puzzle me,

How one can choose to follow something but not do so in its entirety,

To change and manipulate the teachings of a religion to suit their interests,

Or to follow an opinion that feels better for them, rather than to go for the truth.

The truth can be uncomfortable,

One may have to let go of what they love, what they have always strove for, in favour of the uncomfortable truth.

But it is that uncomfortable truth that will allow us to traverse the best path,

The path of the prophets and the most pious,

The ones that had many hardships and obstacles thrown their way,

But many prefer the easy way out.

I can’t be arrogant and look down at people as they could easily be me,

It’s too easy to just follow what you are being told.

It makes me wonder though whether I should and whether I can challenge the views that are prevelent within our time,

My aversion to the popular opinions will probably not be met with heaps of joy, probably anger and discomfort.

It hurts to be different, to see the world differently, to want different things to other people, and to feel differently about the world.

It’s Eid day and yet I feel like I can’t be bothered,

And I wonder wherein the problem lies as it’s supposed to be a happy occassion,

I’m just in my thoughts though, longing for a better future, a better person to rescue me from this life,

Eventhough deep down I know this isn’t the best approach,

I shouldn’t depend on others for my happiness or expect that they will bring me happiness,

They might add further turmoil and hardship to my life,

I need to be ready to face upto that,

I can hope for and pray for the best situation, something that is suitable for my life.

I am nervous of course – nervous about what people will think, nervous about the steps I will have to take,

But I can’t be sure of the future,

I can be quite anxious as a person,

Not sure if my fears have any grounds,

I don’t know,

I need to make isthikhaara and pray for the best inshaAllah.

The Cravings and Fears of My Heart

My heart aches for a spouse and for someone to love,

But at the same time I feel scared,

Scared that we’ll argue,

That we might not get along,

That my parents will be mad at me,

That it’ll make me feel depressed,

But fear is no reason to avoid pursuing what is meaningful to you.

I don’t want to cop-out, when it feels so easy to do so,

It feels so easy to just live alone right?

To not have to deal with anyone else’s drama,

And just deal with my own,

But I’m bored and I don’t want to live this life anymore,

I crave change and I crave company.

I’m not sure if he is right for me,

But one thing I know is that if I don’t try to pursue him, I won’t ever know,

And so, bismillah, i begin, with the name of Allah,

And I pray that he grants us both goodness,

And grants us what is best for our dunya and akhirah.

I hope he allows us to make the correct choices for His sake.

A part of me feels a little bit stupid and foolish too,

Like I’m being a lovesick puppy.

Love makes you feel a little giddy, a little lighthearted and giggly,

It almost feels as if it shouldn’t be that way,

I haven’t felt this way in a long time,

This longing and this passion to try something new,

Emerge onto a different path,

But one that still continues to honour what is special to me,

Like my desire to live for a good cause, be a better person, continue learning, etc,

But it would be nice to have support, I can’t deny, to have friendship,

And passion, if Allah grants us this,

To enjoy each others’ company,

To be able to laugh together, cry together, be hurt together, and be happy together,

To be grateful together, to be in awe together, to be excited together,

But there’s also the potential to clash, to compete with each other, to fall apart when we disagree, to struggle, to challenge each other, the things that make us human, the things I don’t always appreciate, and loathe at times too.

But I want this badly now,

And so I hope it won’t be a war,

As I don’t think I’ll be able to bear that,

I hope I can be strong and resilient,

Like the strongest trees that just feel the strongest winds,

Ones that don’t wage a war against the wind,

As the wind will just come and you can’t control it,

But the strongest trees will remain firm and in position, non-wavering in their mission,

I hope to be like the strongest of trees,

And I pray that Allah grants me that strength to withstand the pressure,

And I hope He saves me from having a meltdown,

As there are other important things to consider too,

The rest of my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for,

I don’t want that to disappear,

But I can’t claim that it will be my actions that have a direct causal association with any loss I experience,

Everything I gain and lose is from Allah,

The future has been written for me,

I just need to race towards Allah,

I can’t go wrong there inshaAllah.

On Making Errors and Trying to Be a Somebody

I was put in a position today during teaching where I felt uncertain,

Where I was being assessed and I made what seemed like a few errors,

It was in immediate life support training and I was being watched by other students.

Yes it can suck a bit when you’re the only person in the room who is asked to repeat the assessment,

And everyone else is able to get it right first time round.

But the facilitator was nice about it,

He made excuses for me,

And I was nowhere near as affected by it or upset by it as I would have been a couple of years ago.

A few years back, I would have felt incredibly humiliated and low,

Those feelings would have stayed with me,

But I’ve lived long enough and have fallen enough to know that these small errors are just so minor,

And not worth getting hung up over,

And so i’m happy that Allah made me stronger,

And that I can recover more quickly from my setbacks,

So Alhamdulillah for our setbacks,

It humbles us, reminds us we’re not in control,

And allows us to have compassion and empathy for others who have setbacks,

We actually know how it feels rather than pretend to know how it feels.

There are lots of show-offs and super confident people in medicine,

It’s somehow expected of you to be that way,

And so for those like me who aren’t super confident,

We can be perceived as shy and uncertain,

And with that, people may judge us as incompetent.

Yes, I am a little bit shy and lacking in confidence,

It’s something I try to work on,

I’m not sure where this very low and negative self-belief comes from,

I feel so different to others and I struggle to connect with others in big groups sometimes,

I almost feel like a dot in the crowd,

A nobody trying to be a somebody in a sea of somebodys.

I like to take things slow and think things through before I offer an opinion,

I like to take in all of the information, process it in my mind first and then offer my thoughts in a group setting.

But there are times when I need help processing my thoughts,

So I’ll speak them aloud to someone,

But unfortunately I don’t really trust anyone with what lies within the depths of my heart and my thoughts,

And that can be frustrating,

Because it means that I may struggle to be real with people,

And to connect with them on a deeper level,

When I just don’t want to be too vulnerable and expose too much of myself,

I don’t want them to hate me or judge me and then reject me,

So sometimes I feel I’d rather they didn’t know too much about me,

But that means I just stay in the background and don’t really stand out,

(Sigh).

I’m not sure who I want to be anymore or what I want to do,

But maybe that isn’t really a choice for me to make,

Allah decides the outcome of my life,

As long as I’m just trying to become closer to Him,

Praying, purifying my thoughts/intentions, staying away from sins,

Calling to islam, speaking about the deen, being kind and generous to people,

Being fair to people, giving gifts, smiling,

These are all small things of course,

But things that are easy to forget about,

And so the path continues,

The quest to be a better person and live for the sake of Allah.

Deciding to Honour Myself and Taking Care of Myself

There’s just been a whole lot of uncertainty in my life recently,

Uncertainty about how to spend my time,

About what is the most important to me,

About where I should go and who I’d like to be close to.

And I also wonder whether I should think long-term or short-term.

I feel like I’ve been anticipating the future for too long,

Dreaming about things I would like to do,

That I almost feel as if I’m not being realistic,

I’m not living in the present and I’m almost overlooking the present and trying to sidestep it,

And I’m feeling miserable because I’m just in my thoughts.

Today was a different day,

I decided to invest in myself by going shopping,

I decided I wasn’t going to be overly rational and sensible with my choices about what to buy,

I would just buy what I liked and found visually appealing,

I was in the moment,

It felt nice and good to just try to colour co-ordinate,

I wasn’t stressing about making the right or the best choices,

I was just doing whatever I fancied,

I felt I was making my inner self happy.

I had also done two non-urgent chores that I had been putting off for a while,

And so I felt nice and accomplished to have done that.

My counsellor pointed out that it was things for myself that I keep putting off,

So I almost felt determined to do more things for myself now,

More things for enjoyment,

And not doing things simply because I have to,

Doing things because I want to.

And I wasn’t really honouring myself, like looking after my environment, tidying my room, buying things for myself,

When I think that looking after the short-term is important,

It’s concerned with the here and now,

Why concern yourself fully with the future when you might pass over to the next life soon.

I’m not sure how much to think about the future,

In this current day and age, you’re expected to plan, save-up, think about pensions, etc,

People tell you to create a vision board or make an action plan for your dreams,

But what if it’s not as simple as that,

What if your dreams are the type that aren’t so straightforward,

That you don’t really know how you will get there,

When you don’t really have the means,

When you need to be fully and solely dependent on Allah for Him to open the doors to your dreams,

For Him to place the rungs on the ladder so you can climb upto the place you want to go?

Those are the dreams that I have,

And so I need to wholeheartedly pray to my Lord, that He makes my dreams a reality,

And He makes it easy for me to live this life,

Live within a life where I feel so out of tune with the people around me,

Where I live so differently, think differently and feel differently about the world,

One can really feel like an outsider,

Like they don’t really belong,

And that feeling can be quite uncomfortable,

But I wonder whether that is something that I’m just going to learn to accept,

Because the true believers are like strangers,

We don’t imitate the disbelievers and try to live like them,

We don’t need to copy them with how we live, how we go on holiday, how we take breaks,

How we buy houses and settle down as if we’ll live here forever,

We believers should invest in our akhirah,

Give our money away to the ummah,

Not be overly concerned about buying houses and settling down,

The real place of settlement is within the next life.

And so maybe I need to reroute and make more short-term goals,

I think that is what I would like to do,

Things that will grant me a sense of relief and accomplishment,

Things that will make me happy.

I need to care for myself and my wellbeing,

There’s been far too much self-neglect lately,

I need to start washing my clothes regularly, taking care of my appearance,

And maybe that strong sense of wellbeing might start spilling out into all other areas.

I need to seize the day and try to take control of it as much as I can, by the will of Allah,

I do have the power to decide how to spend my time inshaAllah,

Allah will decide the outcome,

But I need to find some direction and move forward inshaAllah.

And as for the longer term things,

I should leave that to Allah,

And hope for and pray for the best opportunities inshaAllah.

Procrastinating, Wasting Time and Overindulging

And the truth is,

I am wasting far too much time pursuing my nafs,

I am sleeping too much and overindulging in food.

I am being a major procrastinator,

And giving into my desires on quite a regular basis,

This month was about self-restraint,

But I regret to admit, that in the last two days I have been failing.

I’m unsure of my priorities.

It feels as if there are things in the background which will catch up with me,

Things I need to start thinking about – non-urgent things,

And then there’s also the fact that I’ve just had enough of this degree and this profession,

I think i’m overexhausted, I don’t feel motivated to study or to perform well,

Of course I’d rather not fail and I want to overcome this chapter of my life so I can move forward to the next,

But I just feel so lazy, lethargic and not bothered either (sigh).

But perhaps I just need to be kind to myself,

And tell myself that I’m entitled to feel this way,

I’ve had a tough few years,

There’s been lots happening,

Things I’ve gained and lost,

Things that were quite sad and tragic,

That I’m entitled to take my foot off the accelerator,

And just relax a little,

I really don’t need to be part of this rat-race,

Though I don’t want my underperformance in comparison to my peers to be another reason to feel low about myself.

There’s still the desire and craving to maintain things,

To finish what I started,

It’s just too much at times I feel,

I wish I had someone to be empathic towards me,

Someone I can complain to,

My Lord is up there waiting for me,

He cares about me the most right?

Far more than all these people who will come and go in my life,

People who I can’t hold onto,

People who will pass me by,

And so I need to develop a strong internal compass,

A strong sense of self,

A non-wavering attitude and passion for my interests, whatever they are right now,

I crave change and a new direction,

I’ve been walking this same path for years,

And now this path needs to close,

I’m craving for it to close,

And a new one to open,

But I’m scared and fearful of opening this new chapter,

What if I fail at it?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if I have my heart broken and thrown out in the trash,

What if I am hurt?

What if I am put through a greater test and trial?

All these what-ifs I conjure in my mind,

But the truth is, one can’t know or predict the future,

One can just try to pursue Allah,

Try to aim for the right things,

Strive towards Allah,

I don’t know if He is happy with me,

I have so many flaws,

I sin so much and fall so short of my islamic duties,

(Sigh).

Oh Life, what are you?

Just a fleeting dream, an illusion, no real substance,

I need to start investing into my akhirah now,

Not running to succeed in the dunya,

May Allah make it easy for us all!

Reflections on Wealth, Loss of Wealth and Poverty

I’ll be honest,

There have been days over the past year where I have felt envious of people for having money.

Throughout most of my life, I haven’t felt that money was an issue,

I’m not the richest person in the world,

And I defo had friends who were more well off.

However, I also had friends who were less well-off than me too.

Money wasn’t important to me when I was younger,

I wasn’t responsible for my financial affairs,

My parents took care of that.

I was just concerned about my own life, my own dreams, where I wanted to go, my friends,

I didn’t feel that money was an obstacle.

Then I reached a few dead ends in life where I realised I needed more money to function,

I experienced loss of wealth and alongside that was the fear of poverty, of having to ask people for money,

A place where I didn’t want to go, and Alhamdulillah I didn’t have to go there,

Allah enabled me to recover those losses and granted me more,

He granted me security and I am so blessed to have such an honourable position.

It was a reminder and a lesson for me that nothing is guaranteed in life,

Our plans and our efforts won’t always lead to the desired outcome,

And sometimes we’re taking a bit of a risk or a gamble,

But it’s worth it, as it’s an investment in our akhirah.

And so I wanted to remind myself that it is Allah who provides and it is He who takes things away from people,

And He grants whatever He pleases to whomever He chooses,

He tests some with wealth and He tests others with poverty,

And really, if I think long and hard about it,

Wealth is a burden.

With great wealth comes great responsibility,

The responsibility to spend that wealth towards good causes,

To not hoard that wealth and to share it with others,

It’s quite easy to only spend that wealth on oneself,

And so sometimes I think, maybe it’s better for one’s akhirah to be poor,

At least it means you’re dependent on Allah,

Having money can make one selfish or even arrogant,

You may begin to feel lofty and as if you’re on top of the world,

Being poor humbles you, you realise how much you need Allah to provide for you.

You realise that you’re not in control, Allah is,

You realise that you’re just a human, just a creature, just a slave,

But how honourable it is to be a slave of Allah,

To recognise that you are a slave of His,

And to know that you need to worship Him,

Imagine all of those who are devoting their time, money, effort and worship to those besides Allah,

Who are profitting from things Allah has asked us to steer clear from,

They will be the losers on the day of judgement,

That is a certainty.

So I ask Allah to protect us from those things that are forbidden from us,

And I pray for the strength to control our desires and stay away from temptation,

When it is so easy to fall into sin,

When we are surrounded by it.

The Beautiful Lessons Learnt the Hard and Painful Way

There used to be those days where I would look forward to her messages,

When there was a sense of real joy and validation whenever her messages reached my phone,

When I saw that she had responded to my thoughts and feelings,

I felt special and honoured,

Like there was someone out there who was looking out for me, who cared for me.

Of course, I have realised and learnt the hard and painful way that caring for others has its’ limits too,

It can exhaust another and take away their ability to look after themselves.

Imagine if you were a full-time carer and your time, your thoughts, your energy and your processing power was consumed by another human being,

That would not be healthy for one’s own health.

I took it badly as I was in the middle of a crisis,

I was angry that I had not been told about the news that I had been waiting upon,

I felt like I had been abandoned and forgotten,

Whilst one just carried on comfortably with their life,

With their basic necessities being provided for.

But looking back, it showed me that one can recover from the lowest and darkest pits,

One can recover their financial losses, their emotional losses, their friendship losses,

Allah is the greatest of them all,

And He saved me and brought me back to safety,

I was drowning but Allah changed the tide and brought me back to the shore,

I was able to see the light again, breathe normally and feel freer,

Once I had opened my eyes upto the beauty around me,

Once I stopped fixating on what I had lost or what I was lacking in, or how people had treated me,

I have learnt that I can’t control what people will say and do to me,

But I can control my own response.

I don’t need to react and be sucked into someone else’s drama,

That’s for them to deal with and not for me,

So I feel like I’m a better and stronger person for having had these experiences,

It has provided me with some experience on how to deal with difficult people,

I don’t have to react or try to educate people,

Rarely do adults learn just by being told off,

People can be stubborn and have views and values that are different to yours,

It would be quite time-consuming trying to educate every single person who disappointed you,

So sometimes it’s better to just let things go, make excuses for others, feel sympathy and empathy towards them and find an alternative path,

Not saying that it’s easy,

Especially when you’re convinced that one path is the most correct and most important path,

One may actually find that Allah will bring about good results,

From places that one had never even thought of 🙂