The Calm After The Storm

God knows how much I have cried and have felt deep emotional pain these last few days.

I have no idea what triggered it, probably just the shaytan and his crafty ways,

Standing in the sidelines and observing that I’m starting to get a better grip on my life, Alhamdulillah, and so he wants to mess it up.

I kept on crying and crying to my Lord that He helps me recover, that He allows me to forget what I am struggling to put behind me,

That brings me so much mental anguish over and over again. That dies down every now and again but somehow bubbles back upto the surface every now and again too.

I think I got somewhere today as Allah sent me a nicer memory to my thoughts,

One of me walking alongside those people that abandoned me, smiling and feeling calm, serene and excited at the future, soaking in the beautiful atmosphere around me,

And then I thought to myself, maybe they were protecting me. And that’s what I needed to let the pain pour away.

Shaytan really makes you see a skewed and messed up picture of reality. He takes the minutiae and magnifies it to you,

But when Allah helped me see a different perspective, I realised that not everything was so bad, there was good, in fact, plenty of good prior to the event that upset me,

So why allow my memories to be tainted by one small event which I am uncertain about. Like they say, no news is good news.

It is the shaytan who wants the Muslims to be at war with each other, so we are weak, and so that the allies of shaytan are stronger in the world,

But we must overcome that, we well and truly must 🙂

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Those Wonderful Signs

I prayed to God for a sign,

A reminder that what I was doing was the best thing,

I was scared and doubtful, but a little bit excited too,

Here was my opportunity to do something completely out of this world,

To make sacrifices, be special, be honoured,

But I was aware of the risks involved,

And that scared me,

So I prayed to Allah for a sign,

A sign that I was on the right path and was doing the right thing,

And He sent one to me,

Almost instantly,

And I felt relieved and happy,

I felt secure again, knowing I had the approval of my mighty Creator,

And so years on,

I must remind myself of this incidence,

Especially when shaytan makes me regret what I did,

Tells me that I wouldn’t have faced losses of this kind if I had stayed stationary,

But deep down, I know I have no regrets,

I did the best thing possible,

I put the akhirah above the dunya,

I conquered my nafs once before,

Which means I have the ability to do it time and time again,

I was able to train myself to face upto a challenge,

Which means that if this challenge arises again,

I know I can handle it inshaAllah,

As Allah enabled me to do it before,

He’ll let me do it again,

I have hope in my Lord,

Thank God for that,

Allah has given me the resources to cope,

He won’t send me anything greater than what I can bear,

That’s what He tells us in His book,

So Alhamdulillah for islam and the deen.

Beautiful and Tranquil Peace

The beautiful calm of the dawn,

How precious these moments in our life are,

But how wasteful we beings are,

Do we not know that one day we will face intoxicating regret,

At letting these hours, minutes and even seconds pass by without beneficial action?

This dunya is an illusion,

We are chasing fog that will disappear.

I feel so much calmer and more tranquil than how I felt around ten hours ago.

How beautiful my Lord is,

That rememberance of Him can take the pain away just like the snap of a finger,

How reflecting on the beautiful deen He has sent to us can take that weight off our chests,

Help us realise the significance of events in our lives,

Even those events we hate with a passion,

The ones that deeply wounded us,

And filled us with overwhelming sorrow and grief.

It is our Lord being kind to us,

Enabling the purification of our soul,

Allowing us to reach levels of Paradise that our deeds wouldn’t allow for,

It is an expiation of our sins,

So Alhamdulillah for the pain in this life,

If it means that we’re being saved from eternal destruction,

How beautiful wisdom can be,

How beautiful those lessons from our pious predecessors can be,

Though we may lack the relevant living role models,

Our scriptures and our spiritual texts are full of examples,

Of nobility, courage, patience in the face of torment,

These powerful figures show us how to act in the face of loss, rejection and abandonment,

To stand tall like a warrior and know that this this is all pain for the sake of Allah and in the path of Allah.

For if I look back, it was pursuing the path of Allah that led to this hardship, the loss of a friendship I adored, the loss of wealth, the loss of other friends,

Better to lose those things now, so I can prepare for life without them,

Than lose them on the day of judgement and realise I was fooled into thinking these humans would stand by me forever,

I am alone and I face this world alone,

Sometimes Allah sends me reminders of good people,

To show me that kindness and compassion exists,

In the same way that jannah exists,

This beautiful and exotic Paradise filled with the best foods and palaces,

No evil within, just pure bliss, happiness and laughter.

We have to pay a price to reach this place,

And that is continuous worship and keeping away from sinful activity,

Seems hard now, but so worth it for the next life,

So let’s be strong and fight against the shaytan and our nafs,

This is the road to goodness, serenity and bliss,

This is the road to the wonders of what Allah has created for us,

The believers – for we are the best of His creation,

Eventhough it may not seem that way now.

Important Lessons From Explosive Tears

Today was a really emotionally challenging day. I could not get the events of 19 months ago out of my mind. I cried horrifically, like the loud explosive type and it went on and on. I struggled to comfort myself or to feel better. I tried watching lectures, reading but nothing worked.

I cried through my evening prayer and then I got up and for some reason I looked at my shelf and was reminded of a book that I had called ‘A principle concerning patience and gratitude’ by ibn taymiyyah. Maybe this might help me, I thought. I started reading it and I learnt a few important things:

1. That it was Allah who enabled this person to act towards me in the way that they did. My anger had been directed towards that person for so long, but when I remembered that it was Allah who had planned things to be that way, I somehow felt calmer. The person was just the means and the instrument through which Allah sent me these events. It taught me to focus on Allah decreeing these events, rather than the person who transgressed against you.

2. And I learnt that calamity falls upon us due to our sins.

“No calamity befalls you but is from what your own hands have earned, yet He still pardons many” (Surah Shu’ara 42:30)

I learnt that it is a better attitude to focus on my sins and repent for them, then try to change my ways, rather than blaming and criticizing those who hurt me – that is more productive and useful for me.

These are some powerful lessons, yet difficult to implement.

I hope and pray that I can remind myself in the future, that if anyone hurts me, it is from Allah (which should help to calm me), and if a calamity befalls me, it is due to my sins so I need to rectify my actions.

I feel so much more at peace because of this now, after an evening of feeling incredibly low and crying floods of tears. My eyes were red and my face looked tired.

(Sigh)

Life is hard, but each trial is temporary. May Allah allow us to transform ourselves and become better Muslims through everything we endure.

May He grant us the patience to endure our trials and the wisdom to respond appropriately in the same manner that the prophets reacted to those who harmed and insulted them. Yes, it is degrading and wounding when someone sees us in such a way, but there is a fine way of responding and then there’s the bitter and unproductive way.

I’d rather be the fine Muslimah who is in control of my nafs, inshaAllah.

The Pain Too Hard To Bear

These events are too difficult to forget,

But may God allow me to forget,

To carry on living in the best way possible,

Regardless of how I’ve been treated,

Maybe I need to change the narrative though,

Maybe there were good reasons for me not to know,

Or maybe people can just be forgetful and careless,

It’s bloody frustrating when it’s with those big things and you end up being the loser,

While they walk away unscathed.

Well I hope my reward will be greater,

And I hope I will have a greater position with my Lord,

But first need to conquer my nafs,

Wake up for Fajr every day,

That is the struggle,

To put my Lord above the pain I suffer at the hands of the dunya,

And remind myself that the prophets and the pious ones of the past suffered way more,

Being sent to prison, being tortured, losing everything, everything they had worked for overnight – family, friends, reputation, jobs, houses, careers.

How brutal this world is,

And how I long to be out of it,

So I need to work to attain jannah,

That will be the place of comfort and bliss,

Not this horrible world where people do awful and mean things to each other,

And everyone else has to pay the price by standing by, being weak and downtrodden,

But that is the life of a believer,

Being trampled on by the horses hooves,

And then being left to bleed,

We need to tend to our own wounds,

As no-one else will,

We need to seek out victory ourselves,

Yes we will be humiliated and degraded,

But the worst humiliation will be for the ones who rejected Allah on the day of judgement,

So let’s try to not fall into that camp,

That is the most important thing.

Reflections on Having Things

I didn’t think I was very materialistic,

But it turns out that I do like having nice things,

It makes me feel special and honoured,

Like I’m rewarding myself or gifting myself.

I have been feeling lonely for a long time,

It’s those little things like going shopping by yourself or having to carry it all back,

Or sitting in a cafe by yourself,

Or spending a weekend by yourself, not having spoken to anyone,

That can be sad and depressing.

So I wonder how much longer will I have to live this way?

Like a loner,

I wish my mum could hear and acknowledge that pain,

I wish I was heard in that sense,

But she’s not hearing it,

So she restricted me from getting married,

It’s just not a priority for her,

I wish she could hear that pain like she heard the pain of my struggles with travelling this morning,

I didn’t have to spell it out to her, she understood,

But it’s not my mum I need to put my hopes into,

It’s in Allah, but I hope Allah turns my mother’s heart around inshaAllah,

I don’t want to be a rag for my future husband,

I want to be young, free and mobile,

Able to have fun and enjoy myself,

May God grant me a beautiful believing husband,

And may He grant us all the ability to have beautiful and fulfilling relationships.

My Feelings Right Now

I’ve been crying quite a lot recently,

But it feels cathartic,

Like I am purging myself of all the emotional debris left inside me,

From the missiles that hit me.

But maybe I am better off in a lot of ways,

I’d rather be the one hit by the missile, than be the one that set it off.

They say that if God loves one, He sends them trials,

So I hope God is loving me, eventhough I mess up all the time, miss my prayers, etc.

I feel like there are things missing in my life, things I would like to have but for whatever reason can’t have right now.

I still have hope though and I still believe that anything is possible. That’s the beauty of believing in a powerful force above the heavens, who can do anything and resolve any problem.

Recently, I’ve been worrying about finances,

Yes, I do feel envious of those who appear to have more than me,

But then there are also others who have less than me to counter that.

Why do we always look to those who have more? Why do we make ourselves feel bad about ourselves?

I told my mum that I have to travel quite a lot in my next placement,

It’s almost like she heard my pain and got the message straightaway.

She suggested that I get a car, and that she’ll talk to dad about getting a car for me.

She told me not to worry about the money.

My eyes welled up, I didn’t let her hear though as I covered it up quite well.

The people around me see my struggles more than I do,

I just say “I’m fine” and carry on going.

But today was nice and comforting,

I felt honoured to feel that release,

To know and see that there was someone who wanted to relieve me of my struggles.

I’m so ungrateful towards my parents,

I try to imagine what it would be like to lose them,

I would feel lost and alone,

Then there would be no-one who I would be special to.

You long to be special and worthy in someone else’s life,

It makes you feel good about yourself,

But sometimes you’ll be alone,

And perhaps Allah is preparing me for that,

The ghurabaa at the end of times.

I may not be privileged in the worldly sense,

But I am so privileged to be a Muslim,

To have direction in my life,

To have an anchor in my life, a place to turn to if things get difficult, a chance to be saved,

I have a reason for living, a purpose, so if the world doesn’t go my way, it’ll be ok inshaAllah as I have the next life,

That gives me perspective,

The world isn’t everything,

In fact, it’s not important at all,

What happens to us is insignificant,

It’s what we do with our time that matters,

So will we rise upto that challenge,

Or will we continuously turn away from God, procrastinate…pretend that we’re not going back to Him.

The inevitable will arrive, so better to be prepared for it.

May Allah accept our actions and our deeds, and may He purify our intentions so everything we do, we dp it for Him.

The Excruciating Pain of Betrayal and Abandonment

I cried earlier,

As I remembered the pain, the betrayal, how could you forget me?

How could you abandon me, just leave me to fester by myself?

I cried to God and I complained.

Before, I would cry to her, expect her to soothe me, and she succeeded most of the times,

These days I turn to God instead,

I pray to Him that He enables me to forget what happened, and lets me forgive.

One meeting was all I needed for closure,

To know what had become of my life, what I made sacrifices for,

But I was left in the dark, I could not move on, no closure, not anything,

But watched from the sidelines as you casually carried on like nothing had happened,

It was insulting and disrespectful to me,

To not honour me,

You didn’t respect me and I’m not sure if I respected me either,

I elevated you to a status higher than you deserved,

That’s what I regret,

And that’s why things came crashing down,

But at least I now know,

That I was probably chasing the wrong things,

Maybe I did it for the sake of the dunya,

For if it was for the sake of Allah,

I would accept everything that came with it,

Be steadfast and strong whatever happened,

I guess you expect humans to treat you in a way that you would treat them,

But life doesn’t work like that unfortunately.

Life can be bitter and cold,

People can stamp on you,

When you expose your vulnerabilities to them,

Which is why so many choose to keep things within,

Hide it away and protect yourself.

Humans can lack the mercy you crave,

But Allah is the most merciful,

And He can see all of it,

Every single tear, every heart ache, every dry throat,

And He knows, He knows just what you had to endure,

And that is comforting…that our greatest guide and protector above is aware of it all,

And He is assisting us, in ways we are not aware of,

Let’s not lose our faith in Him,

For if we did, this pain and agony would be worthless,

All for nothing,

But if we continued striving towards Him,

One day, everything will make sense,

Every tear and every bruise would be worth the everlasting reward we would gain,

Our master will tell us that this is the joy we have that day for making those sacrifices, for suffering as a result,

It was all part of His plan, to expiate our sins and purify our souls,

And each time I fall, I recognize that I turn more to my Lord, so each fall has a benefit,

Oh world, you deceived us,

We thought we could have its’ riches, its’ delights, its’ pleasures, its’ acceptance,

But not when you’re a believer,

Prepare yourself for misery as a believer,

It’s sad and unfortunate,

But it’s the only way we will be saved,

I hope Allah accepts it from us inshaAllah.

The Tears Return and Heal

Have you ever been hurt by someone who was very close to you?

Someone you never expected it from?

Someone who would bring you happiness and joy,

Well it was devastating when it ended,

It was the departure of something I truly valued,

It left a gaping hole in my life, an emptiness, I felt lost.

I always wish it had never happened,

But since it did, I have to accept that what happened was what Allah wanted to happen,

To teach me lessons, to show me that people aren’t perfect,

To help me become emotionally self-sufficient and less dependent on others,

To recover by myself,

To not need all the answers,

But to turn to my Creator instead,

And know that the world can’t ever be the way we want it to be,

For that place is jannah,

And this place was meant to be a place of pain and suffering for the believer,

A place where we will be let down,

So it trains us not to rely on others,

Or expect too much from them,

And instead turn our focus to our Lord.

Yes, i’m jealous of those who seem better supported,

But I am better supported in lots of ways too,

My parents do a lot for me,

The cooking, the lifts, the money here and there, the gifts,

These aren’t hugely expensive things but they try so hard and devote so much of themselves to us,

That I should be more grateful for them,

But instead…I choose to be ungrateful for the things they aren’t, can’t be or can’t provide,

So let’s look at all the things they gave me and continue to give me,

The calm, the comfortable house, the nurturing, etc,

What loving parents I have,

Alhamdulillah, may Allah preserve them.

Medicine is Hard, But Allah assists me

I worked so hard to reach this place,

And there will be more work in the years ahead,

The process can be frustrating though,

When you are forced to do things you don’t want to do,

All this admin and these procedures,

I came into the profession out of good will,

I did not know they would watch us like hawks,

Judging our conduct, professionalism, etc,

It makes one feel afraid, like they won’t measure up, and what if they don’t measure up, what would that mean?

Those fears are there in our mind,

So we never feel fully safe and reassured,

It’s not the friendliest of professions,

We live in a vicious world,

And though we can try our best,

People will still be unhappy with us,

And try to screw us over,

Just to feel better about themselves,

To get revenge or for some sort of personal gain,

Or it may be out of spite or some biased or prejudiced agenda,

Jealousy or fear.

But…I must try my best to extract what I can in terms of knowledge,

So I can take that away and help people with what I know,

Change lives, comfort people, bring joy and happiness to their lives.

That’s what I long for,

And I pray that Allah let’s my dreams come true,

Things won’t come about due to my own effort,

It will be due to Allah answering my prayers and assisting me.

Thank you Allah for sending these tools my way to help me.

Yes, the world is hard, but you can help me to recover,

I have recovered many times before in the past,

It’s doable inshaAllah.