Doing Something Stupid

Why did I do something so stupid?

When I think of it, I just think, what a poor decision to make,

But at the time, it felt good to express myself, to let it out,

It was like a volcano with only one outlet to let the lava out,

The lava was ready to come out,

I could have done it differently I guess,

Omitted some of the things I said,

Some things needed to be said,

And I didn’t know how to quite say it,

I was in the mindset of revenge,

If you could sit there and point out my flaws,

Then I will do it to you too,

That’s what I was thinking,

(Sigh),

I wish I could just forget that happened,

We all do things we regret,

We’re human and we need to be kind to ourselves,

The world moves on, our mistakes don’t remain,

It only matters what Allah thinks,

And Allah is the most forgiving.

In the scale of misdeeds, it isn’t the worst thing to have happened,

In fact, it doesn’t even close,

Which is a relief,

And so, I hope I can let it go over time inshaAllah.

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What Kind of Beautiful Story May I Craft?

The day is young, youthful, full of possibilities,

It’s waiting for my energy, my commitment and my zeal.

The future is vast and endless,

However, time in this current world is finite and it will end,

And we won’t have that warning as once it is time, it is time.

We will regret not making the most of this time,

Time is precious and so we must jump at the opportunity to embrace it,

To fill it with all the things that are meaningful to us, important to us, fill us with joy and fulfilment.

I feel positive again about the future,

I feel grateful for all that I have,

And I feel more in control,

I feel happy that I’ve made a decision to live life by my own terms,

And to not allow others to push their rules and their limitations onto me.

I have dreams and sometimes they feel like a very distant reality,

I’m working and I’m striving and somehow my dreams feel closer to becoming a reality,

I have worked hard and I am so truly grateful to my Lord for rewarding my effort,

For recovering my losses.

I’m in such a privileged position, I have relative security, so close to the end of a degree that will bring me onto a relatively secure profession (provided I don’t make any serious mistakes or commit gross acts of medical negligence).

I am happy and it has taken some very dark moments and some heart-shattering emotions to reach that place.

Alhamdulillah for life and for second chances.

If we fail once, we need to reroute ourselves.

What I did Today

So I got through a few things today that I had put off,

I tidied away some of my clutter which had been left outside for days in bags,

I changed the bins,

I made some more notes on head injuries – and in particular the complications of them, including the different type of haematomas,

And I made some lunch.

So yes, it’s been relatively productive you could say,

But I won’t feel truly fulfilled until I complete these damn notes on head injuries inshaAllah,

Just got raised ICP and management to go 🙂

Reflections On A Very Dear Friendship

I reflect on a friendship that was dear to me,

It has taught me quite a lot,

For many years I felt valued and special,

I felt important and honoured,

So what felt like the end of that friendship brought to surface my own flaws,

I questioned what led to the end of it,

And since we couldn’t make sense of it together,

I had to make sense of it on my own.

I was far too dependent on her for my happiness and wellbeing,

That’s not great to put all that pressure on one person, it’s suffocating.

When she pointed out her hurt,

I was incredibly angry and upset,

How dare she say that to me when I’m falling apart,

When she resumes life like normal (an assumption I had made, might be wrong of course).

It took a lot of time, a few emotional outbursts, lots of crying fits, angry/upset blog posts and prayers for me to stand back and say,

It was for the best.

It was highly uncomfortable to split my life from hers,

It felt like a personal attack from her,

Eventhough she said it wasn’t rejection and that she respected me and thought I was a good person,

I perceived her actions in the most negative way ever,

Because it hurt me to my very core.

But it has built resilience within me,

I’ve grown up a lot this past year,

Learnt to live by myself, look after my own emotions (rather than run to others to care for my own),

I took responsibility and ownership of my life,

There were some very dark moments and I grieved and I hated her so much at times,

For not meeting with me, for doing things though messaging,

It felt disrespectful towards me, a lack of concern for my hardships, for painful times we lived through,

It felt like I was abandoned and betrayed.

But then I began to craft a new narrative,

Maybe there was something happening in her life that prevented her from approaching me directly,

Maybe she had no choice and was left in a very difficult position and she had to make that choice to sacrifice our friendship for the greater good,

Sometimes sacrifices need to be made and there are good reasons for doing so,

Sometimes we need to sacrifice those we love the most for a greater cause.

And so I feel more at peace, I feel less bitter and more merciful,

And I feel happy with myself that I have reached this place,

It took a lot from me, and there are bigger battles happening in the world around me,

I need to redirect my attention and reroute myself to find something important again,

Something that excites me, something I can devote my time and attention to, something that doesn’t feel like a chore to carry out,

Something that provides that momentum and adds some drive and direction to my life.

I feel devoid of motivation and inspiration right now,

I need a reason to live and continue,

Rather than be a mole that wanders,

Desperately searching for some light and some way of being set free from the day-to-day chaos and trivialities of serving a capitalist empire.

I’m searching for something more,

I know what is important to me and what my values are,

I just need to find an activity that aligns with my values.

We can’t live in the future or kid ourselves into thinking that what we are doing right now might be useful in a very long time,

It very well could be, but I’m on a long-haul flight,

And I’ve been on this flight for so long that I feel strongly impatient to create some good within the society,

So I’m searching for those milestones, things I can do in between on this long-haul flight to fill me with that sense of satisfaction and fulfilment.

I’m not in control though, Allah knows what is around the corner and things may change tomorrow,

And with the changes in life may come alterations in my plans and my dreams.

Our plan of action can’t stay fixed, as long as our values and core beliefs remain unwavering,

As long as we continue having conviction in what we believe in inshaAllah.

Doing What Is Best For Me

I’m procrastinating again,

And I’ve also been thinking,

Not everyone cares,

And why should I exert so much effort into being seen to do the right thing?

To put on a face and be perceived as a good student?

In the grand scheme of things, their opinions don’t really matter,

It’s me raising their views to a higher platform than they deserve which is occurring.

When really, people have much more important things to be thinking about,

Like their own lives and so it shouldn’t concern me so much.

I want to do what is best for me,

And if I feel that I’m not obtaining the best learning experience,

So why should I force myself to bark up a tree where there is nothing worthy there?

Instead, I can put this time to better use.

It can be hard when you feel that your interests do not match up with what is expected of you.

I don’t want to follow rules just for the sake of it,

There needs to be some benefit for me as well.

How far will I allow an organization to exert their control over me and my time.

I want to do well as well.

There are risks involved, but I need to honestly ask myself what the stakes are,

And sometimes the risk is so small, that it’s worth it to do what you want to do,

What you feel you need to do, to survive, and perform well.

Everyone learns differently, and why should I submit to one perceived way of learning that might not actually suit me?

That’s it, i’ve had it with the system.

I pray that Allah will be on my side inshaAllah.

A Conflict of Interests and Values

There is this sense of fear and dread inside me,

What if someone sees me? What if I get caught? I don’t want to be judged to be incompetent or negligent of my professional duties.

But professionalism is also to take care of one’s health, to take ownership of one’s learning,

I am an individual with my own plans and aims, not a slave to the society and profession,

I am here to learn the skills needed to be a doctor, so that I can transform lives inshaAllah,

I hate wasting time roaming around or doing things that aren’t really beneficial for me.

I need my own space to be me too, to rest, to make sense of what I have been exposed to on the wards,

To learn, synthesise and construct my own mental maps of the illnesses I come across and how to approach them,

So that I can be a better doctor.

I take longer to process information,

One could say this means I am slow, but I’d rather use the word ‘reflective’,

I take my time, I’m careful,

I don’t like to jump in straightaway, I like to prepare myself,

But some of it is a lack of confidence or fear of making mistakes, and then having those mistakes seen by people.

I don’t like being less smart or less competent than the people around me,

It makes me feel low and inadequate,

But what I need to tell myself is that I can’t be perfect. Everyone will make mistakes, and it’s how we learn.

We need to read, and sometimes we have to do what is right for ourselves,

And that might not be what we’re expected to do, or supposed to do.

Rules can often be quite generic, they won’t always be in everyone’s best interests,

They are meaningless at times, have no clear benefit, or are created by people who have different values to the ones of those who are expected to follow the rules,

Yet we’re expected to abide by them.

There’s this fear that’s created of breaking the rules, being in breach of professional conduct.

It can be a shame for those of us who just learn differently.

Unfortunately the education system does not cater for all types of learners, personalities, values,

It puts us all inside a mould and expects us to fit inside,

The ones who survive are the ones who are the most adaptable.

It’s one-size-fits-all.

What if society catered for our differences,

Wouldn’t we be happier?

But no, that wasn’t what this value-less, immoral capitalist world was about?

It’s about generating income, keeping the flow within public services running,

And each time one person makes a mistake, they are treated harshly, face disciplinary action, for coming out of line,

There’s a lack of compassion and care, all these law-suits are brought against people,

The individual is punished,

But what about the organization, or the society that gave rise to the conditions for that person who fell out of line,

There are numerous mitigating factors involved, life is never that straightforward is it?

What if we humans found it easier to forgive, rather than condemn?

What if we made excuses for the shortcomings of other individuals?

What if we acted like a community that cared for each other,

Rather than putting each other down, punishing each other, etc.

There are conflicting interests at time and that can lead to mistakes occurring.

And so I look at this profession that I’m a part of, and I wonder how I will align my interests with my day to day activities?

I won’t always agree with the ethos, and then how do I act as a result of this?

Things to reflect on inshaAllah.

Longing To Find and Actualise Those Dreams

I wish I could have someone to love, someone to cherish, someone to share my life with.

Being alone is hard to bear, can feel quite rubbish at times, like one has only their own thoughts and mind for company. It can be nice to bounce your thoughts with someone elses for a change, to have someone to challenge your mistaken assumptions and views, to have someone gently question your thoughts and your mindset, to have someone to think with and plan with.

And that’s exactly what I desire right now, I have lived alone for too long and I’m sick of being stuck with myself for company.

I also feel angry when I think of those who prevent me or stand in the way of me wanting to achieve what I want to achieve,

Those who were supposed to love me, nurture me, have compassion and empathy for me,

But rather, they chose to stick to their own ideals, agendas and enforce their rules and restrictions upon me,

(Sigh).

I had a long day in the acute assessment ward today, I felt tired and exhausted near the end and I kept on wishing for the day to end.

I also came across some nice doctors, it felt like I was part of a family, I was taken care of, nurtured, cared for,

And that’s the kind of environment I would want to train in.

I want to be special and important to people, I don’t want to be a nobody, or a person who just fades away.

I want to leave a mark on the world and I want Allah to accept my actions which is the most important of all.

I’m still dreamy and idealistic when it comes to my vision of wanting to make a difference,

But these days I believe that change rarely comes about by one single individual,

Sometimes it can take years of failure and defeat by many individuals trying throughout generations before one individual can emerge to eventually finalise some change,

But their actions would be the last action in a series of long-standing efforts exerted by many others, which brings about that change.

I need to pray longer and harder to Allah for that change I so strongly desire inshaAllah,

I hope Allah can allow my dreams to come true,

To help me to actualise my vision, to keep me steadfast, strong and committed on this path,

To allow me to keep moving despite the waves that rise against me,

To protect me in the vicinity of evil that may occasionally come in the form of your loved ones,

People who try to force you to believe what they think is true.

This world is quite a harsh and complicated one.

We were told that it would be a test, but we become lazy and dunya driven, so feel anxious and horrible when we are tested,

Expect to be tested and put through these arduous trials if you are a believer – that’s part of your path in life,

We need to strive towards Allah, and I’m not really sure I’m maximising my efforts or my energies to find the best path for me,

I long for that same zeal and enthusiasm I had when I was younger,

Where I felt determined to win, hungry to win, passionate about succeeding.

Somehow, along the way, it became about just surviving, bumbling along, I lowered my expectations because I didn’t think I was good enough to be good, so I started aiming for borderline.

I want to design my life again and not be subjected to the confines of what the people around me think is good for me and bad for me,

I just want to do what I want inshaAllah, and exert my own independence and feel strong and firm about my own values and views.

Just because you looked upto certain people and felt compelled to obey them when you were a child, does not mean that you allow those same people to control you or influence you when you’re an adult,

Alhamdulillah, I am glad that I am seeing the world for what it is, more objectively, rather than being forced to accept someone else’s narrative, which doesn’t match with my own.

Procrastinating Again

So here I am again,

I did those two chores this morning,

I handed my keys in,

And I rang up my doctor to request a new prescription,

Then I just procrastinated,

And now I’m just feeling rubbish about having to go in to the acute medical unit,

Like whyyyy?

This all just feels like too much,

This hospital feels like it is far too busy to learn in,

The doctors are always doing something,

It’s just a drag,

An absolute drag,

And I feel rubbish about having to go in,

And I almost feel as if I don’t want to.

I somehow need to break that cycle,

And find some motivation to continue,

And to exert myself in this path.

I need to pray,

That’s what I need to do,

And I need to focus on what is important,

Instead of trying to distract myself all the time,

And divert my attention away of doing what matters – the things I shouldn’t screw up.

Counselling Session Reflections

So I just realised today that when I want to carry out a task,

I break it down into so many smaller pieces that I make a big task seem even bigger,

I make it feel as if there are so many steps needed to get to the end,

And that can create a mountain out of a molehill,

Making me feel quite deflated, and as if I don’t want to climb that mountain.

So maybe sometimes, I just need to say to myself, does it really matter if this task is done to the best of my ability?

Chores don’t have to be done perfectly,

As long as it’s good enough,

Meals don’t have to be done perfectly,

As long as they’re good enough to eat.

I’m realising that I waste too much time thinking about how to do things efficiently,

That it just becomes an obstacle to moving forward in life,

Things end up not really getting done,

Or getting done in the last moment when they urgently need to be done,

And things are just rushed through in some haphazard manner just so I can tick it off.

Another thing that was noted, was that it feels good once something has been done,

But it doesn’t feel so good when I’m spending ages thinking about how to do something well.

So I’ve made the intention, when I am about to embark on a task, I should ask myself, what am I hoping to achieve from this? What is my aim?

It sounds straightforward, but then I can ask myself, how good does this need to be? Does it need to be perfect? Or can it just be good enough?

And most of the times, things can just be good enough,

I can’t be perfect at all things,

And maybe that is what is taking up my mental energy,

Trying to be and then failing to be perfect at everything,

And then getting frustrated and feeling low at myself for being that way,

I need to be realistic with my goals,

At least then, I have a greater likelihood of achieving them,

Because I won’t have pushed myself so hard or challenged myself so much that I give up at the very idea of it,

And it also means that I can feel better afterwards.

Not everything needs to be 100%,

Some things can afford to be 20%, 30% or 40%.

There might be others where you want 70%, 80% or 90%,

Those things might be more important and meaningful to you.

And so I feel like this is quite an important lesson I have learnt today,

And it’s already something I’m putting into action.

Major Procrastination

I’m procrastinating,

I’m definitely procrastinating as I just don’t feel like going in.

It’s going to be the start of a new placement,

And I feel nervous about entering a new environment,

Meeting a new team and having to assimilate myself,

I wonder if I’ll be given any responsibility today,

And if yes, will I be able to satisfy the doctor supervising me?

I’m afraid of making mistakes,

I’m afraid of looking stupid.

But the truth is, when others make mistakes, do I judge them and think they are stupid?

I don’t, mistakes are easily forgotten,

And people move on with the discussion.

I’m afraid of encountering grumpy doctors who just don’t want you around,

I’m afraid of being an obstacle or a spare part that’s just in the way,

And then feeling lost and a little like a nobody.

But I’m always thinking about the worst,

What if it’s a good day?

What if it’s a relaxed day where we all work together,

Where there is no pressure,

And things are ok?

I’m such a fearful and anxious person,

I’m thinking of all the things that could go wrong,

But heyy, it’s ok, as it’s only the first day of this placement,

So I shouldn’t be too harsh on myself,

It’s ok to make mistakes,

It’ll be ok inshaAllah,

Everything will be ok.