A Poem On Leaving the Storm Behind

And so, one storm had passed,

And there was calm and peace that followed,

Like a weight that had just been dropped.

I felt cooler and lighter,

And I could see a brighter future ahead.

I was happy and relieved,

I was being kinder and more accepting of myself.

Yes the room was a mess,

And yes, the circumstances around me felt less than ideal.

And yes, there were things/people around me I wanted to deal with,

But at least I was slightly freer.

Walking into that room,

I looked around and saw all these people around me,

We were heading towards the same thing,

All as one group,

Yet we were all going to be judged individually.

That’s just what it’ll be like on the day of reckoning,

No friends, no family, just being alone,

All of us.

So I want to start living with myself in mind,

Live according to my own values and principles,

And not be constrained by somebody else’s model of how I’m supposed to live,

What I’m supposed to do.

I want to exert my own will,

And embody a sense of self,

That is different to the world around me.

I want to embrace a sense of individuality,

Embrace the fact that I am unique,

And different to the world around me.

I don’t want to follow all those lizards into a hole.

Allah gave me that moral compass inside me,

It’s called the fitrah.

I’m innately disposed to conceive Allah,

But it’s the world around me that takes me away from this.

A believer is one who is conscious of the fitrah,

And who attempts to stick to that.

I hope to be a believer,

And I hope that Allah unites me with them 🙂

Yes, I’m scared and anxious about what lies in wait,

But I’m required to trust Allah,

And so I have to lay aside some of those fears,

And state exactly to my Lord,

What it is that I feel!

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A Poem on Building Bridges

You did so much for me,

And yes, I took advantage of it.

You were my safety net,

The protector I could hide behind,

And then that was gone.

I felt empty, alone, lost.

But I’m coming to see and realise,

That it was what is best for me.

I’m turning back to Allah.

I’m realising there was/is shirk in my heart,

So I need to work on rectifying my iman.

I’m facing upto my flaws,

And trying to make plans for the future.

I totally depended on you for my rizq,

And that was totally uncool.

I just didn’t have the insight then,

I only realised this way later afterwards.

Eventhough I thought your methods was cruel,

I’m learning that sabr is about accepting that it was all due to Allah.

He willed things to occur that way and so that couldn’t be changed.

I’m sad of course that one friendship ended,

But I do still hope that perhaps another, much stronger one can be forged later on,

InshaAllah.

I’m realising how emotionally needy I am.

How longing of approval I am.

But it does not matter what the world thinks,

As long as I am true to my soul,

And the fitrah that Allah instilled within.

A Poem on hating this dunya

This lowly, lowly dunya.

How miserable and cold you are.

How brutal and selfish you can be.

You bring earthquakes and tidal waves ashore,

You make life miserable for everyone.

But we were put together so Allah could test us.

Which of us would pass this test,

And which of us would struggle?

I’ve been struggling these last few years,

I just keep on falling again and again.

I feel fragile and weak and powerless against all the evil forces in play.

But it wasn’t me that was supposed to conquer them.

No hero throughout history tackled the entire world and every problem.

They knew their limitations, they turned their sorrows and unhappiness to Allah.

They grieved all the losses and they felt defeated at times.

Even the strongest would feel weak at times.

Oh dunya, how much I loved you and longed for you.

Why would you never accept me into your arms?

I tried so hard but I didn’t know what to do,

You just left me alone, all in the dark.

I hope one day I can step on you,

And be mighty glad that we didn’t get on.

I hope that day I’ll be free,

Of all the hurt and pain you brought me.

I look around and see a world that is lost,

I feel lost living on you.

I long for the peace and serenity some of our predecessors had.

The ones who you could throw anything at but they carried iman in their hearts.

Oh dunya, how crappy you are,

And I want to be done with you so I can reach Allah.

A Poem on How My Anxiety Feels Right Now

Sometimes it feels like my body is a prison,

I feel trapped and scared,

Like there’s nowhere to go.

My body shakes and I just feel this pain in my chest,

Carrying all these woes,

These horrible feelings of guilt, anger, not being good enough or in control.

It’s a feeling of being suppressed and oppressed.

But there’s a voice inside that is waiting to get heard,

That wants to emerge and shout out to the world,

But somehow there’s this really intense fear,

That somehow it won’t work,

And I won’t attain the results that I seek for,

That I’ll be hurt or something bad will happen to me,

And I won’t be able to take it,

The idea of not measuring up,

Being that golden girl they all wanted me to be.

They all raised me up, I’m aware,

But having 10 plus parents is sometimes far too much.

There’s all this accountability,

That doesn’t really need to exist.

Life’s hard enough and the parents are mighty in their expectations,

But sometimes we kids just want to play and have fun.

I wasn’t allowed to do all the things I wanted,

So I remember being bored,

Not having the things my friends had,

Not being able to participate at school.

I didn’t feel like I was cool enough,

And that I mounted to nothing.

I needed human approval to feel validated,

But now I just can’t take it anymore.

I have these high standards myself,

And then to add on top of it,

All these expectations, the questions, the pressure to move on.

Sometimes you just want to scream,

You want to tell the world to just go and piss off,

While you sit by yourself and focus on what’s important to you,

Get in touch with yourself,

And be kind to what goes on inside.

It’s ok to be fed up,

No-one likes being nagged at.

I really don’t care what the world thinks,

Why did you put so much emphasis on my school-work for me?

I know it was you being a good parent,

But why not emphasise the importance of being healthy, well-rounded?

What was the point of doing well at school if I wasn’t going to use it in some way to help the world?

To make a difference? To be whoever and whatever I wanted to be.

I don’t want to be constrained anymore,

I don’t want to do what you tell me to.

Just because you think it so, doesn’t mean that it is.

Our thoughts don’t always equate to reality,

That’s why there’s a word called insanity,

When somehow our internal world isn’t quite keeping with what’s really going on.

Or sometimes we imagine scenarios that haven’t exactly happened,

But to us we feel all those feelings as if it was real,

And then we’re not quite aware of why we’re feeling rubbish,

We sometimes acknowledge that we are,

But we don’t always know where it started,

Or what set it off.

And then we just blame ourselves,

It’s all cos we’re sensitive,

And if we were tougher, then these feelings wouldn’t be there.

But that’s not quite true, as sometimes the world is quite mean to us,

And it’s important to acknowledge that that is the case,

Or else we end up being bullied and just controlled by people for their own sake.

People say they have good intentions,

And to them their intentions are good,

But really inside I feel that they’re all just trying to stop me from attaining what is good.

The path to jannah is hard,

And there’ll be obstacles along the way,

So shall I feel reassured that since I’m feeling all of this pain,

Then I must be on the right track?

I find some solace in knowing that affliction transcribes to an expiation of sin,

And there are so many I feel I have,

So many diseases that envelop my heart,

Things that I might not even be aware of.

As there are hidden diseases within us all.

Oh life, how you just throw things at me,

And make me curl into a ball.

I’ve had enough now,

I just want to sit out and cry,

Hide from the world and never look back!

A Poem on Being a Good Child

So I thought I’d be a good child,

Ring her up out of a sense of duty.

I didn’t have to, but I chose to,

As that’s just the person I am.

Wanting to be good – accepted.

But she told me to do something I didn’t want to do.

And so I politely declined,

But then she asked me again,

This angered me slightly.

I told her to respect me,

And so she said “ok”.

But why should I have to demand respect?

Why can’t she just allow things to be?

I am my own person now,

A chick that’s left the nest,

And it’s time for her to come to terms with it.

As I’m sick and tired of being a slave,

Running around and doing what she insists.

Yes I am a daughter,

Yes I am supposed to honour my mother,

But enough is enough.

I bear my own burdens,

And I bear hers too.

She stresses me out,

Yes I’m doing everything I can do.

Please stop telling me to worry,

I wasn’t worried until I began to talk to you.

Allah will fix things,

He has it all under His control.

I need to just trust Him now,

And submit everything over to Him.

I want it to just be me and Him,

And nothing in the way.

I want our relationship to be closer,

And so I must keep the dunya at bay.

My faith is weak and I tremble.

Feeling scared of the day ahead,

But Allah is looking out for the believers,

And He will aid us to victory.

Whatever will happen will happen.

But yeah, I am slightly scared.

I’ve acknowledged it,

And that’s totally ok.

When something means this much to you,

Then it’s ok to feel a little scared.

InshaAllah we will get,

Whatever Allah has decreed for us.

A Poem on Cleaning The Wounds

I wanted to face upto the past.

I wanted to be truly honest with myself about who I am,

And where I came from.

I want to understand why I am the way I am,

And tackle things right from within the roots.

She told me it would be painful,

Painful to take the plasters off,

And go deep within and clean the wound out.

I told her I’ve made that decision to do it now.

It feels like a good time,

It feels like there is some space to work with.

I’m trying to honour myself as a person,

Rather than be defined by my roles.

I’m not a medical student, or a daughter or a sister or a niece all the time.

I can play those roles at times,

But I don’t need to carry that pressure with me at all times.

I am first and foremost, a Muslim.

That was the main role I was given,

To realise my fitrah and act upon it.

And if everything else I had disappeared,

Then it wouldn’t matter,

As Allah would suffice me.

That’s what a true believer’s about.

I want to get back in touch with my purpose,

And go back to my roots.

I hope that’s where the cure is.

We started from Allah,

And all things will go back to Him.

But how we forget,

And put the dunya ahead of us.

It was only Allah that we truly needed and required.

A Poem on Depending on Allah

It’s ok to not be ok,

And it’s ok to seek help.

It’s actually strong to acknowledge our weaknesses,

And it means we’re realising our helplessness and how we’re nothing without Allah.

But we must realise that all the help that we seek,

Is only there because Allah allowed it to be there.

We’re using it to serve our akhirah needs.

The means will not in itself help us,

And we shouldn’t depend upon it.

It’s just a tool that Allah put there,

For us to use in a manner that we please.

If that tool was to disappoint us,

Or somehow just walk out from our life,

Then a true believer would be one,

Who wasn’t affected by it,

As their heart was attached to the one above,

Who was looking out for us all.

Yes I’m disappointed and feel let down,

That certain people in my life didn’t reach out,

Or enquire about my health.

But now I see that I’ve let,

The dunya enter inside me,

As I’m anticipating the dunya to serve me,

When in fact it won’t,

As it’s the lowest of the lowest.

So I must work on abandoning the dunya,

So that I don’t let it tarnish me.

So that I can stand tall above the world,

And know that it was worth nothing at all,

Wasn’t worth my stress, my anguish, my anticipation,

At what I may gain or lose,

For it was already determined for me,

By the One above.

How selfish and heartless I’ve been,

How arrogant and big-headed I was.

I thought it would be due to my own deeds,

That I would get through,

And I thought it was due to a fault of my own,

That I wouldn’t get through.

So now it’s time to be frank,

And acknowledge that I wouldn’t be here,

If it wasn’t for my Lord.

I wouldn’t have these clothes to wear, this food to eat, this shelter above me, this heating around me,

If it wasn’t for Him.

Yes, I do sometimes look at those,

Who have much more than me.

I feel jealous and think them greedy,

For not sharing with me.

But I will acknowledge that there are plenty more,

Who don’t have as much as me,

Who are starving, are in the cold,

Who have lost their loved ones,

And have been in the middle of a war.

Who have no way of knowing what to do,

Or where to go,

They must just lie in wait,

For Allah to aid them.

It must be quite fearful,

Not knowing what to do.

It must make one feel worthless,

Knowing that the rest of the world,

Just sit back and enjoy their lives,

While some people are suffering,

And that’s not really the way we should be as an ummah.

So let’s learn from our mistakes,

Let’s face upto our flaws.

Let’s show Allah that we are remorseful,

And prepared to face upto it all.

It won’t be easy,

This path that we’ve chosen.

But know that Allah will be on our side,

If we abandon the dunya,

And choose the aakhiraah.

A Poem on my Feelings and my Lord

So it seems that feelings are important after all.

It was that beautiful feeling years ago,

As I stood on the prayer mat to pray to my Lord,

That made me think – wow this is divine.

If it wasn’t for that feeling,

Then who knows, I might not have survived in my practice,

I may have turned away from my Lord,

So I’m grateful that Allah allowed me to experience that bliss,

And gave me a good life,

And allowed me to taste the sweetness of iman.

Sometimes one’s heart becomes so hard,

That they’re unable to experience the pleasure or bliss of reaching Allah.

Or sometimes one can be so distant from their Lord,

Their focus and worry being on all of the means around them,

But that wasn’t what they were intended for at all.

The dunya was there to serve our akhirah needs.

We were meant to manipulate the world around us,

To become closer to Allah and actualise our iman.

But in turns out that sometimes we lie,

We tell ourselves that our actions are for Allah,

But really they’re not.

They’re for the dunya, our desires,

Our need to please our ego and our nafs.

They’re for glory and for fame,

And to feel good about ourselves.

So sometimes it’s good when the Almighty Allah,

Decides to take the dunya away from us,

Which makes us crumble to the floor.

We feel grief and misery at all that we’ve lost,

But at least we turn to Allah out of intense helplessness and the stark realisation,

That in fact we are nothing at all,

Nothing without the power of our Lord.

He grants what He wills to us,

And if He so chooses that one day it is time,

For us to lose everything that is dear to us,

Then there’ll be nothing we can do.

We can be hurt, upset, angry and in a rage,

But a true believer would just be indifferent to it all.

He won’t have let the dunya enter his heart,

As He knew that it was all just tools,

That Allah had leant to him,

To utilise for the sake of his Lord.

To help them become near to Him,

And help them on their quest,

To reach a better understanding,

And be more conscious of their deen.

How we can all stray,

And allow ourselves to be attached,

To all of these tools,

Which is why we’re devastated if Allah so chooses,

To take them away from us.

But inshaAllah a true believer will rise,

He will have hope that Allah is looking out for him.

He will utilise the means,

But know and acknowledge that it isn’t due to the means,

That he’ll get what’s destined for him.

It’s due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.

The one who created all of this.

The one who knows the future and the past.

The one whom no-one can hide from,

And the one who loves us more than anyone else.

So why then is it that we allow the dunya to get in between us?

It’s because we’re foolish and forgetful,

And our environment around us weakens our heart.

The shaytan will whisper to us,

“Go on, no-one’s looking”,

But that’s false because Allah, the Almighty, is.

He knows all that we do,

All that we feel.

Every last ounce of us is at his mercy.

And if Allah were to choose,

That today we had our last breath,

Then there’d be nothing we can do,

As the angel of death takes away our soul.

Then things will be too late,

And that would be devastating for us all.

But how about if,

If every last one of us so chooses,

To change his life for the better,

To be different and to give up all our sins,

To turn to Allah and be more self conscious,

Then perhaps that day won’t be as bad,

As the Angel of death will be gentle with us,

And so our soul will peacefully slip out,

And go back to our Creator,

Who started this all off,

And who we’d be nothing without.

A Poem On Not Letting People Stop Me

One day I hope the world will be a better place,

Or am I just hoping for an illusion that won’t ever come into fruition?

Is this world even capable of repairing itself?

Well the answer would be no, as the dunya is by its very definition the lowest?

But can Allah repair the dunya?

Well of course, as He was the creator and can put things back together.

Eventhough I do look around and think to myself,

Can this chaotic and destructive world ever be capable of,

Having within it light and goodness?

I think not most of the times.

But is that just my negative mind being cynical of the facts?

Or am I being realistic and this is just the way things are.

I feel sad that the world has let me down.

People I looked up to never had my own best interests at heart.

But can you blame them really?

When they’re all just trying to find meaning and purpose within their own chaotic and messed up lives?

They’re all just trying to retain some sanity amongst the madness that is life.

Trying to bring things under their control,

So that they can feel more at peace with the belief that they have in some way helped another human being.

But no they haven’t, they’ve just made it worse,

If only they could’ve stood back and let the world carry on around them,

But no, they were desperate to be involved,

Even when their own lives weren’t so great, but somehow they thought it was.

I’ve decided that I don’t really want to fit into this world.

I don’t need to try hard to convince people to see things my way.

All I was supposed to do was convey to them the truth,

Then leave the results with Allah and pray that He guides all of them closer.

Now I’ve decided that I’m just going to set off on my own path.

I want to turn to Allah and all the things that might bring me closer to Him,

But at the same time I want to respect the laws that Allah laid down,

Respect my mother, relatives, etc,

And be kind to them,

But not allow the things they say and do enter my heart,

For now I’m starting to become more aware,

Of the evil in the world,

The fact that there have been all these obstacles all around me since the day I was born.

So I have to pretend that I’m all alone,

Like the day that I was born,

And start envisioning the day that I’ll die and go back to Him,

Because if I’m not living for that day,

Then I’m not leading a very good life.

I’m just chasing what’s in between,

And all of that will one day crash into the ground.

So I want to live differently,

Be aware of my own flaws,

And accept that they’re there.

So I don’t need to be so hurt each time I feel they let me down.

I want to be more self aware,

And more conscious and mindful of the world around me.

I want to step outside the confines of my mind,

And look to the world around me for support and advice.

Allah has put all the tools in the world,

So now I must navigate my way out of my nafs,

And turn to Allah’s book, the people He sent down, and those that followed them,

And then act upon their guidance so I can spread Allah’s word.

I don’t need the approval of those around me,

All they’ll do is try to stop me and criticize me,

So I’ll just have to move forward and do things alone.

Only I will be held responsible for my own actions,

And I won’t be able to blame any others,

For I chose to do what they told me.

Well I’m not going to be that lizard,

That follows them down into a hole.

I want to be a lion that is courageous and brave.

That stands up for the sake of Allah,

And doesn’t allow the world to get them down!

A Poem on My Life Right Now

It’s a lonely world out here.

I’ve been sitting indoors,

Watching rubbish tv shows,

Ordering food in everyday,

I feel like a sloth.

I need a major detox.

I don’t want to face upto the world,

So right now I’m just so wrapped up in my own.

I’m being lazy, gluttonous, selfish, hedonistic and sinful.

I kinda like not thinking about the rest of the world.

It’s nice in some ways to just step away and take a break.

My mood is definitely getting better Alhamdulillah.

Yes, i’m letting things slip physically,

But at least I’m not feeling terrified of this exam,

I’m acknowledging that it is due to the qadr of Allah,

That will determine whether I pass or fail,

And it’s not due to my very own efforts,

It’s due to the power and might of Allah.

I’m glad that I’m a Muslim,

And I’m glad that I have an opportunity to be successful,

I’m definitely closer to my fitrah,

Than most of the world.

However, I should never let that make me arrogant,

As we can never be sure,

Of when our faith might leave us,

And leave us in the wilderness alone.

At least Allah is on my side,

He is on the side of the believers.

InshaAllah things will improve,

And we’ll make it back to the start.