Another Dark Moment

The door gets closed in your face sometimes,

From people who you depended on,

And the ones that provided the solution.

Oh how flawed were we,

To place that trust on those who didn’t deserve it,

To give all thanks and appreciation,

To the ones that Allah sent our way.

He is the one who is deserving of most of the glory,

But He is the one we neglect the most,

Preferring His creatures over Him.

How painful this lesson is,

And I’m still learning.

How easy it is to put your faith in what lies in front of you.

Though the smartest and wisest depend on what cannot be seen,

They spend their thoughts on what is worthy,

And they devote their time and energy to the one above.

I don’t know what the future holds,

Or when there’ll be victory.

That lies in Gods’ hands.

I must find my way back to God in the meantime.

I must embrace being by myself,

And enjoining the good,

Rather than looking to the past,

Or hoping that those who let me down return to me.

I’m putting my hope, my longing and devoting my love towards,

All the wrong things.

Things that will perish,

Just like me.

Things that are clueless and lost,

Just like me.

I can be great, alone,

By putting my faith in God,

And forging a way out of this.

Building my health, strength and momentum,

And then shining for Allah to see.

Oh God, please grant me the strength and motivation to worship you,

Cos right now, I struggle to be Muslim.

I still believe you’re up there,

But just feel slightly distant from you.

I know I need to reach out,

But it’s requiring a lot from me.

Ya Allah, please help me.

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I need to break this cycle

I would run away when there were arguments,

I’d feel scared.

There was a lot of aggression growing up,

Verbal mostly, and some serious mental health problems.

My parents hate each other.

My mum couldn’t cope with having children,

We were always shouted at.

She was mean to me,

She tries to be loving now but I’m not sure I feel that affection towards her.

When someone is constantly shouting at you and making you feel inadequate,

Then can you really feel affectionate towards them?

She is kind sometimes,

She’s mixed up, it’s strange.

I’m this shy little girl,

Living in a world where loud and confidence prevails.

I am filled with doubt,

Doubt in myself,

And I don’t want my flaws to be exposed.

My mum would criticize every little thing that I did wrong,

When my room wasn’t tidy,

That I wasn’t like all these other kids,

Who helped their parents.

We were constantly cursed and put down,

We had to numb those feelings somehow,

So I stuffed them down,

Because it was not considered appropriate to speak back to my mum.

She knew best as she was the parent.

I was powerless.

I wasn’t allowed to play outside with the other children,

I remember being very bored at home,

I stopped asking for things – toys, etc

As the answer was always “No”,

And it hurt as a child,

To not be able to have dolls,

Not have all the tv channels,

But I stuffed it down and had to deal with it.

I wanted to wear what I wanted to wear,

But I was told I couldn’t,

She forced me to wear outfits I didn’t like.

It was humiliating.

And then she prevented me from getting married.

She wants to be in control and have me be near her.

When I just want to be free.

I’m far too conflicted right now,

There are raging sides of me.

I hate this world,

It just seems meaningless.

I just want to feel at peace,

And I want to be free to do as I please.

Why am I so weak and fragile?

Why do I chase things and then break when things don’t go my way?

God grant me resilience,

And the ability to know wrong from right.

There needs to be a way to find some meaning,

Amidst all the chaos right now,

Which I struggle to handle.

The Depression Comes Back

I lay in bed today for ages not wanting to get out. I just didn’t feel like doing anything. There was no motivation for me. I’m not even looking forward to the christmas holiday any more eventhough I have planned a few nice events.

Things are slipping, I hate to admit it, but I need to get on top of this depression again. I feel a dark, black cloud encompassing my life. I get dark thoughts and I struggle to maintain my faith these days by praying. I managed to pray one prayer today and I made myself a toasted sandwich.

I’m going to see my doctor on Tuesday. The dosage of my meds perhaps need to be increased. 

I wanted to focus on social support, exercise and other things to help me but it’s really difficult to find the time to do that and when you’re already lacking the motivation and the momentum to do things, those things require some energy. 

I want to get through this. Life is difficult. Why do I take things so hard and personally? I just wish I was different.

A Poem on My Existence

I have issues,

So many of them that my mind just can’t take it.

I think and think about it,

And I just don’t know what to do.

So maybe I just need to…

Not think.

And just distract myself,

And be around people,

And build connections with them.

The more you are around people,

The more you’ll start to love them.

Love doesn’t happen overnight,

It’s built up.

I have ego problems,

So I hate turning to others for help,

And exposing myself,

My weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

I want to be seen as special,

I want to be amazing,

But perhaps the truth is,

Those people throughout history,

Didn’t aim to be seen as amazing.

They just pursued causes,

That they were passionate about.

And they left it in God’s hands.

I spent the last few years searching,

Looking to the past and admiring those,

Who lived centuries before us.

They were amazing,

But now it’s time to face upto reality,

And accept that I’m here,

In this world,

A world that is bad.

A world where humans do bad things,

That I can’t make sense of.

I need to find God again,

To find peace in myself.

I don’t know how much to trust people,

With what’s happening in my life.

I don’t even know what’s going on.

I’m chasing something,

That I don’t even believe in anymore.

The world shut it’s door in my face,

Those who I relied on for guidance,

Left me.

So now it’s just me,

To face upto the world around me.

This world that wasn’t mine to fix,

Where did I get that absurd idea from?

I hate life,

There I said it.

I’m a bad Muslim,

Everything is a drag.

I just don’t know what to do.

It pisses me off,

And I get annoyed at myself.

I think and think but don’t get anywhere.

I keep on making excuses,

For why my life is wrong,

For why things aren’t my fault,

Or why it’s easy for people to advise me.

When actually I need to empower myself,

And move on.

A poem on loving others

Love is painful,

Sometimes you will give so much,

Of yourself to people,

Simply out of love and affection.

You want to see them happy,

So you sacrifice things,

Put them first,

Again and again.

Then Allah takes them away,

And that teaches you,

That you loved and gave to the wrong thing.

I’m still bitter, I’m still angry.

I’ve been treated badly.

Sometimes people will disrespect you,

It doesn’t make sense.

It’s a common human theme and occurrence.

You’re not alone.

People just go through things.

It makes you wiser and stronger,

And gives you resilience.

Some Gestalt

Something amazing happened right now as I tried to give myself some self gestalt therapy.

I tried to make peace with two conflicted parts of myself. The side that hated my friend for all that she had done and the side that felt compassion and appreciation for her. 

I sat in three different chairs and then I attempted to advise those two conflicted parts of myself. I advised myself as I would with a friend. I had compassion for myself and I understood the conflict. I advised myself that it wasn’t my fault and that I had learnt so many important lessons and these would help me to build a better future and be more wise. I actually felt so much more rested and at peace.

Just a Follow-On From Yesterday

I felt so honoured yesterday as I shared my struggles with two souls. People who had had similar struggles. I did feel though that they didn’t truly understand and I can’t expect them to. Each human being is different and they feel emotions differently. We can’t ever truly know what another human is experiencing. We can share things in common but there will always be differences. We all have very different and unique personalities and character. Our experiences are a blend and clash of different people, different thoughts and different feelings.

A poem on bitter and sweet events

Today I vented,

I opened up my heart to two friends,

One new, one old.

I told them how I felt,

My flaws and insecurities were exposed.

I was vulnerable, truly vulnerable,

And Allah granted me some openings through them,

From places where I didn’t expect it.

I felt this ease in my chest,

I felt my body letting go of the pain.

What they said made sense,

I needed to respect myself,

Look after myself,

Accept what was better.

I need to put my faith in Allah,

Have tawaqqul,

Rather than rely on dunya means.

Allah will grant me things,

In ways that are best for me.

He will look after me,

And save me.

I relied too much on one human being,

Thinking she would save me,

Each time I fell.

Thinking she was the opening,

For greater and better things.

But no,

My rizq comes from the seven heavens!

Things will work out in the end inshaAllah.

I finally see hope,

I can envision a happy ending,

A lighter path emerging from this dark hole I descended into.

What a bittersweet world this is,

Often more bitter than sweet,

Or so it seems to me.

I try to find people who are similar to me,

Who I can identify with.

Or when I think I do,

I make assumptions about them.

I think my way is the right way.

I lack compassion or mercy,

Or maybe there is some mercy towards her,

Or some pity at what she had to endure.

Makes sense that she cracked.

Humans can only take so much.

I learnt my lessons the bitter way.

I’m learning to be compassionate towards myself.

I’m a human being with flaws, sensitivities.

I search for deeper connections with people,

When really the deepest connection I should crave for,

Is the one with Allah.

So I hope this separation from her,

Brings me closer to the One I was meant to be here for.

Today my friends reminded me of my Lord.

They’re not perfect, they have many flaws,

But they’re aware of it,

And I don’t see their internal struggles.

Who knows, maybe they repent every night.

Just cos their flaws seem open,

Doesn’t mean they are greater than mine.

No-one knows what I do,

Behind closed doors,

In the stillness and silence of my room,

Where there are no watchful eyes,

Just Allah who I forget,

Who I ignore as I wish for more.

I crave for pleasure and delight.

When Jannah is where I’ll have an abundance of that.

God grant me serenity and peace,

And the courage and strength to deal with the dunya around me,

The people who I meet.

Oh life I still exist,

I’ll do what I can.

Just Trying To Rediscover Joy

Some moments in life are just so hard. You just lack the motivation to face up to them and carry out the tasks that you need to do, but just don’t want to do.

I need to do my slides for a presentation now that I am doing as part of a group. I do not like having to stand up in front of a room and have to present to a crowd who might grill me. I don’t like having to defend myself. I don’t like fighting. It takes up all of my energy and is quite emotionally painful.

I feel so alone in a world where those who I thought were my friends left me. It’s horrible. I have to continue living and carry on with activities that seem meaningless to me at the moment, whilst holding on to all of this pain that I just can’t seem to let go of.

Time heals things but then there are times/moments when the pain is more accentuated than others. 

Living is hard. It’s full of disappointments, people who let you down, shattered expectations and dreams.

Just trying to find some goodness and joy to hold onto, to lift me out of this misery.

What am I grateful for? And what do I like? I like my family, my cousins, cups of tea/hot drinks on winter days, good conversations, nice friends. 

There is beauty in life and some things that are nice. I feel honoured to be here, at medical school, to be living this life when it could have been so much worse. I am so privileged and yet so ungrateful.

If only this…and that. 

(Sigh)

The sun rises after a dark night.