A Reflection On My Own Actions

I am reflecting on my own actions and reactions,

And the things I said and did weren’t always nice,

I was far too consumed in my own misery to care about someone else,

I looked at their life and felt like they had so much so why should they feel any pain?

But the truth is, they did,

They were struggling too with everyone else’s pain,

They were struggling with their own guilt, which was from the shaytan,

Struggling with the responsibility they had taken on.

And I struggled to see things from any perspective beyond my own.

I became angry and I took it way too personally,

But it has taught me to make excuses for my fellow believers,

To not constantly pursue my own agenda and fight for my own rights,

As people have their own priorities and commitments too,

I feel this is opening up what really lies within my heart,

And there lies within a need and an urge to be special to someone,

To be a priority to them,

I would love to feel honoured in the same way the Prophet (pbuh) honoured his wives,

I would love to be that wife who can raise the next generation of Muslims upon the truth,

But still attend to the needs of the ummah and serve the community.

I would like to be a lot of things which I don’t feel like I have the means or resources for right now,

And so I need to pray extremely hard that Allah enables it to occur,

Because for Allah anything is possible,

He can enable even what seems the most challenging and near to impossible to us,

He has the ultimate power to say ‘Be’ and it will be.

I have the power to respond to things in a respectful and dignified way,

By being caring and considerate towards my parents and their views,

But I need to assert my own truth too and make known what I feel,

In a way that doesn’t compromise my deen,

I am in need of sabr, hope and tawaqqul,

But also fear of disappointing Allah by doing the things He has forbade.

I am in need of so much that only Allah can grant me,

And I must continue hoping and praying that He will grant me those things.

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