I see a row of neat profile pictures,
I see images of happy looking couples,
Nice holiday pictures,
People commenting on each other’s pictures,
Tagging each others’ friends,
And I feel jealous that these people have what I don’t have,
They don’t have what I seek,
And that is nearness and closeness to other creatures of the universe,
I long for companionship and a spouse,
As I have done for a long time,
But I think I allowed my friendships to fill those gaps,
And now those friends aren’t quite around,
I need to find other ways of filling that void that has been left behind.
Everything that happened was for the best,
I trust Allah that I was far too dependent on His creation,
And not enough on Him.
I should long to be close to Allah and His messengers,
Long to be like the most pious of the past,
Rather than chase those who are alive,
And long for their affection and love,
Because they will let me down,
Everyone will at some point,
And sometimes we do the letting down ourselves,
Not because we intend to,
But it’s just because there are other important things happening in our lives which need to take precedence.
And I worry about my future,
I worry about being too dependent on a future spouse,
Worry about him leaving me,
Worry about that feeding further into my feelings of inadequacy,
And feeling low and small about myself.
I need to stand back away from all those small things,
And look at what I have been blessed with,
I am blessed to be at medical school and have gotten so far (eventhough it can feel like a curse at times),
I am blessed to have relative freedom, wealth, a family (eventhough their reactions can be lousy),
I am blessed with Islam and the Qur’an,
I have all the resources at my fingertips,
People who I should probably try to engage with more,
Rather than be sucked into the vortex of thoughts I have inside me.
I need to free myself from the constrains of my mind and my intellect,
My thinking and over-thinking can sometimes pull me down into a rut.
My mind does not have the ability to make sense of and know about my entire reality,
Only Allah can do that,
All I can do though is make the most of the time I have,
To do good deeds, to help people, to give to charity,
And to try my hardest to fulfil my obligatory duties,
The ones that Allah has laid down for me,
It is hard, and I am far too hard on myself,
But I need to expand my worldview,
And take my thinking out of this box,
And not restrict myself to what I’ve always done,
Or what I’m supposed to do.
It doesn’t matter what the people around me do,
I worry too much about what they will think of me,
We all live our lives differently,
And people of different cultures, backgrounds, faiths will have different views of reality,
They will work differently,
They will devote their time to things that are different to each other,
That’s just the way the world is,
So how can I stop comparing myself to them,
How can I just let go and be the person that I want to be,
Rather than the person I should be.
This life is tough, and I’m not sure what to do,
Or how to live it.