I think I am closer to forgiving someone who was very dear to me.
I think to myself, her behaviour was highly unusual and out of character,
Not keeping with her usual mannerisms,
And I took it to heart, very to heart;
It felt like an attack on me.
But I think to myself, we humans only see things from one angle,
We can’t ever know the full picture,
And I’m the kind of person who likes to know everything,
I suppose it makes me feel like I’m in control.
These events taught me that I’m not in control,
And that you can try to be the best human in the world, be nice to people, kind to people,
But yet they can be rude and aggressive towards you.
People don’t always mean to be this way,
But they have their own insecurities and trauma that they carry around too,
Which they might not necessarily be aware of,
Or there may be things happening in their own life, pressure they may be under,
And you just happen to be the person there,
Their behaviour is not necessarily about you or linked to you,
It’s because of lots of other different factors in their life,
Which they may not even be aware of,
As they’re trying to keep it together and power through,
Despite everything that is occurring.
It’s sad and I miss our old friendship, laughter, jokes,
But I’ve gained so much from this occurrence.
It’s made me realise how flawed I am and all the changes I need to make,
Not for another person,
But for me,
So I can lead a more meaningful life where I am less reactive and more responsive to the world and people around me,
Where I am acting according to my deepest beliefs and values,
Rather than reacting as a result of my emotions.
Yes, some of my emotions will stem from my beliefs,
But I need to ensure that I regulate my emotions,
So that I act in accordance to the sunnah,
And not act in accordance with my nafs,
And perhaps the way to do this,
Is to be more self-aware,
Like our most pious ancestors,
Who knew when anger, sorrow, envy, jealousy, love of dunya, etc was entering their heart.
We need to get to the root source of the problem.
I am unhappy, and I have been unhappy for a long time.
Yes, the life of a believer isn’t meant to be fun and games,
But I have a choice about how I react to the events around me,
How much I try to belong and fit in amongst people who are quite sinful,
Who are predominantly occupied with the dunya,
And sometimes I make the choice to distance myself and be more solitary for the sake of preserving my deen.
I find that is what is better for me,
But yes, there is a part of me that wonders whether I should try to socialise more,
But the purpose needs to be to give da’wah and remind people of the truth,
So that I can be myself and be heard,
Not live in constant fear of being different and being in the minority,
Like I have always been, even amongst my family and my closest friends.
And I also need to direct more of my attention, my concerns and my worries towards Allah,
And to be more conscious of my sins.
Those are the real things which are worth the anguish and the pain,
But one of hope,
Hope in the mercy of Allah,
As he has an abundance of it,
And there are no limits to His mercy.