This counselling session, I found myself talking about my recent flatmate who I ran away from, not because I wanted to, but because my counsellor asked me.
It was completely unexpected as I wasn’t even thinking of her, and talking about her brought up a lot of my emotions to the surface, how horrible she was to me, how horrible people are to me in general, and how I allow it to happen.
We talked about my reaction to it too. Staying quiet might mean that people get frustrated at my lack of response or they might think I am judging them.
I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t like responding to anger because I don’t want to make it worse, but I’m not really expressing my thoughts and feelings either.
There are times when I don’t express my thoughts because they might be radically different to the views of the person in front of me, and I don’t really wish to ignite them or cause any tension between us. But I’m coming to realise that I’m living a life too silently, and eventhough I do this to avoid conflict in some way, it still attracts conflict. So perhaps conflict will just always exist, in the same way that good and evil will always exist, being in stark conflict to one another.
And I need to have the courage and the conviction to make my truth heard, even if I’m in the minority, as that would be a life that is keeping with myself and one where I am portraying and promoting the values that are important to me.
I’m always feeling as if the people around me have more important things to say or are right, and I always feel I am wrong or stupid. But I have strengths, skills and talents that many around me wouldn’t have, and I need to learn to be confident with expressing myself, not in a big-headed, arrogant, or a show-offey type of way, but just to state the truth and what I observe from my own lens, as I am just as worthy of speaking like everybody else.