A Poem on Learning and Moving Forward

I just saw my counsellor and I shared my feelings,

I released them,

Told her I was upset, angry and confused at the whole situation,

And I felt better and validated.

I felt my voice cracking up,

I felt my throat become congested,

As I struggled to put into words the ordeal that I had experienced,

The great tragedy of losing someone who was very near and dear to me,

But it has taught me a great deal about myself,

How I latch onto others,

Seek emotional rewards,

When those might not always exist.

People don’t always have the capacity to serve you,

And I have experienced that firsthand with the whole flatmate situation,

How she sought to be my friend, be close to me, study with me,

And I told her I didn’t have the emotional capacity for her,

She was in a tricky position too,

And I’m glad I detached,

I did the right thing for her and me,

I can’t be dragged down by someone else’s circumstances,

I refuse to be spoken to like I am dirt,

With no respect, and so I must respect myself,

And honour myself,

I put the rest of the world above my own needs,

I treat everybody else well,

Yet so harsh upon myself,

When I don’t live upto my own standards,

The standards Allah laid down for me,

My need to follow the pious ones of the past,

How desperate I am to be a better person,

To be liked, wanted and needed,

But how strange and different I am to most that I know,

I don’t fit in,

And do I want to?

To some extent it would be nice to,

But I have to remind myself,

The believer wasn’t meant to fit in with the world,

As this world was meant to be low to him,

And the next world was the one that was worth craving for,

Yet here I am, grieving over the minor losses in this world,

People who will not be able to serve me in the akhirah,

It will be every man and woman for themselves,

And I must be ready for that,

InshaAllah.

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