Every time I see her, the feelings afterwards just come back,
The feelings of betrayal, rejection, the shards of anger that lie deep down within me,
Towards an act where justice cannot be served and my rights cannot be retrieved easily,
But one thing I am forgetting to remind myself is that Allah is the most just,
And if I pray to Him for justice and retribution,
Then He has the power to grant me that.
I must never get tired of asking or ever lose hope in Him,
As that would be tragic for my hereafter.
It’s sad when you have all these unprocessed emotions,
That you’ve just stuffed down into your body,
And they’re released all the time,
Each time something in the external world triggers you off.
And how am I supposed to cope with all these painful feelings,
All by myself –
What a sad life this is!
What loneliness I live in.
And I react to this by feeling depressed, ruminating, or thinking about what I could do to fill these empty spaces,
And in recent weeks, I have found myself thinking less and less about my Lord,
And more and more about the dunya around me and serving my nafs 😦
I’ve committed many sins,
Things which could potentially lead to major ones,
And so that makes me a corrupt person,
But Alhamdulillah, all sins can be remedied,
And there is a chance and an opportunity to come back to Allah,
Nothing is worse than shirk and associating with God,
And so I wonder, have I associated with God at all?
And am I at risk of loving and trying to please others over Allah,
Yes I am, and so I must take control of my nafs and steer it towards my beloved lord, Allah and His Prophet (pbuh).