I felt lower yesterday,
Lower than I had felt in a while.
I haven’t been attending as much,
All these headaches.
But non-attendance, the silence and the gaps,
Just makes me feel empty,
I don’t use that extra time very wisely,
And I just stare into my thoughts,
And sometimes I just think in circles,
Or sometimes into a dead hole,
And then I just feel worse,
About being unproductive,
Or I may sin to fill that time,
And that isn’t useful or productive either,
But harmful in fact,
For my sense of self in this world,
But also, for my status in the next world.
Life is hard…
It’s hard to stay away from those things Allah has forbidden.
My heart longs to attach itself to things,
Things to fill the silences, the gaps,
But the best thing to fill that gap is with love of Allah,
Submission to Him,
Fear of Him,
Everything for Him,
Not for my nafs,
Not for the world around me,
The one we began with,
And the one we return to,