And so I think to myself,
I keep on falling,
Again and again.
I keep on making the same mistakes,
And so I ask myself, why?
And the answer is – there’s a much deeper problem,
Deep down in the recesses of my soul.
I’m far too attached to this dunya,
I’m pursuing all the wrong things,
I struggle to pray all of my prayers,
Especially the one where I have to wake up at the early hours of the dawn,
And so what does this all say about myself?
The truth is, I don’t love my Lord enough,
If I’m not prepared to make Him my main priority and my main goal.
That I just allow the dunya to draw me away,
Suck me in to its’ messy abode,
A place which will lead to the hellfire,
A place of deep, intoxicating regret,
And no! I do not wish to go there,
And so I must re-direct my heart and my soul,
To endeavours that are worthy of my time and affection,
And these are pursuits which are directly related to my akhirah,
Pleasing Allah, seeking islamic knowledge,
Ridding my heart of love, submission and fear for anything besides Allah,
Depending on or asking for help from anyone besides my Lord.
I feel shame, regret and sadness for the fact that I did so many things that were wrong,
Taking out riba-based loans, free-mixing, engaging in haraam activity,
All for the sake of attaining the pleasure of those around me,
Or pleasing my nafs.
I stayed quiet when people around me were immoral or said things which were horribly wrong,
I just allowed things to be this way,
And was passive,
And I hate the fact that I lived in such a poor manner.
It’s not just me though,
Everyone else around me is doing the same and worse,
But I wonder how it will be perceived by our Lord on the last day,
The One who I feel so distant from right now,
The One whose presence I can’t feel or detect as much as I did in days of greater iman.
The dunya entered my heart,
My heart, my eyes, my ears and my mouth longed for things that my Lord did not want for me,
Sometimes I just gave in,
But I remind myself that our first ever forefather and mother did the same,
They ate from the forbidden tree.
Iblees tempted them, whispered into their ear and promised them a fantasy,
Which they believed and gave into,
Little did they know that he had deceived them.
He was waiting there in their path to steer them away from Allah,
Verily, what he had made a vow to do,
And I just think to myself,
This life is like a war against the shaytan,
A being who is cunning and will lure us towards all that is bad for our souls,
And we give in – time and time again,
But it is only those believers who are strong enough to conquer their desires,
And pull away from the tug of the shaytan,
Who will be prosperous on the Last Day,
And I truly hope and pray,
That we can be there together,
But I have to admit,
I am highly doubting this will be the case,
As the true deen the way the prophet practised it,
Seems to be so rare amongst us today.
Islam has faded away,
And what is left of it are slithers of iman,
Hidden in the cracks and crevices of our society,
And so I hope and pray that those cracks break,
And so the truth can be released,
And so that islam will prosper again,
And I hope we can be of those who rejoice,
As our faith envelopes our hearts and our spirits,
And we change to become better people,
Living in a better society.
I’m not sure how much longer Allah will keep me alive,
And so I must start preparing for my akhirah now,
Just in case I do not reach the end of this day,
So at least I could say or prove that I was trying,
And my heart longed for this change,
Because on that day, I won’t be able to lie,
And pretend that I was pious and loved what Allah loved,
And hated what He hated,
As Allah will already know what I think,
And He will be able to tell me that I lied,
And I won’t be able to argue or deny this,
As He would know me better than I know myself.
I’ll just have to accept the truth then,
But it’ll be far too late to change,
How bitter and foolish I’ll feel that day,
That I didn’t use this precious opportunity to be amazing,
And be better than the rest.