Just Mental Rubbish

I just can’t be bothered,

I just really can’t,

The end goal just doesn’t motivate me enough,

I feel sick of this life, this profession,

Will I really even be disappointed if I don’t get through this?

I’ll maybe feel more at ease actually,

That I don’t have to pursue something I don’t really believe in anymore,

So why toil after and break my heart over something that just doesn’t mean much anymore.

It’s good I didn’t pass the first time round then,

It’s taught me a lot,

How I’ve been running after and putting all of my strength and effort into one thing,

When there is actually so much more to life than this,

Things that are greater and better.

May Allah grant me strength to be better iA.

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A Poem on Reaching a Better Place

I am in a location where I feel better, happier,

One where I have fond memories,

Fond memories of spending time with nice people,

Learning together, reminding each other of the truth,

And a reminder of a place I was at where I felt closer to the truth and became aware of the truth 🙂

It’s nice to be back in that same location,

The place where I did a lot of soul-searching,

Where I begged Allah to open my heart up to what was right,

As I was confused with the conflicting information,

I wanted what my nafs desired,

Choosing to identify with what my nafs wanted,

Just because the alternative would hurt too much,

And now I’m in the same location again,

And I think to myself,

So much has changed about me,

I have grown up so much,

Developed greater confidence,

Developed greater courage,

I feel more comfortable with being me,

And yes I have flaws,

I am really emotional, far too sensitive and quite judgemental of others too,

Traits that make it difficult to form lasting relationships with people,

But maybe that is ok,

As I have learnt that Allah will grant you what you need at the right time,

And take away what is not needed for you at the right time.

We can feel upset, angry, humiliated and a multitude of other emotions,

But Allah has greater rights over what He grants us,

He chose to give us those things due to His good will,

And He can so choose to take it away,

And we can grieve of course,

Allah allows people to mourn the loss of things,

Think of the death of one’s spouse, divorce, etc,

The iddah period as we call it.

Islam is a beautiful faith,

It recognises and caters for our emotions,

It is truly divine, how could it be man-made?

And I am blessed to have found it,

Alhamdulillah.

A Poem on The Lessons I’m Learning

It’s nice to have someone acknowledge that I’ve been through a lot,

I felt validated,

My emotions and my struggles felt real,

It felt like it was ok to feel low,

And I have every reason and right to be,

I’ve had quite a few obstacles,

And Allah helped me to overcome them,

He allowed me to withstand them,

He sent the relevant people my way,

Made the relevant resources available for me,

But this weekend it all just felt too much,

The hormones must have played a part too,

But I won’t blame them,

As there are real environmental struggles,

The hormones, shaytan or other factors just exacerbated my feelings re. the struggle,

And I needed to tell my part of the story,

Rather than wither away in the background, not being heard.

I recited the isthikhaara d’ua before acting,

I asked Allah for guidance and then I acted,

So I didn’t behave unreasonably,

But there is still a part of me that wonders whether I did the best and wisest thing.

I need to trust the power of Allah’s d’ua,

As at the time I acted according to my best knowledge,

And now I have new knowledge,

So I can choose how to respond to that,

I need to act with wisdom,

I need to reflect, be true to what I believe in, but also respect the feelings of another person,

There may be things that have happened that I don’t know about,

So I’d rather not trespass the boundaries in order to retrieve the rights which I felt I had a right to,

As there may be good reasons why I couldn’t know,

And it would be wrong for me to continue pushing for something that might not even exist.

I need to look deep within myself and be honest about what lies beneath,

There is anger and there is envy too,

There is the realisation that I expect too much from people,

And not acting isn’t necessarily a sin,

However negligent I feel other Muslims may be towards me and towards others.

That’s something I need to work on inshaAllah,

To think well of other believers and to make excuses for their sins.

A Poem on These Painful Realisations

I kind of feel like a fool,

The feeling when someone else is able to overpower you,

I could have said more,

But I thought I’d stay in a safe zone,

And I quickly realised that it’s better to stay on good terms with a person,

Than to continue to attempt to hold them to account.

Yes, I am upset for the distance, the loss of a friendship and the emptiness that ensued,

But I also realise that there is probably a lot more happening than I have been told.

I only see the tip of the iceberg and react to it in a somewhat negative way,

Not really realising that there probably are good reasons for things not being shared.

It’s highlighted my flaws and how I hold onto the words of people,

How I latch onto the things they say,

And feel that I should be valued more.

I guess I’ve always just wanted to be special or extraordinary,

And there were some people who made you feel positive,

But now I’m lacking that positive reinforcement,

And I’m feeling quite small,

But at least it has humbled me a little more,

To realise that I can’t always be in control,

That people won’t always do what they say they will,

They’ll always let you down,

But I’m sure I let other people down all the time,

Like my mum for instance,

Who has greater rights over me,

I guess I’m just angry at her,

For not being the mother I would have wanted her to be,

But I can be angry at other people too,

For not treating me in the way that I’d like to be treated,

I guess I have my own set of standards,

And am heavily disappointed when people don’t match upto that,

But everyone is living their own life,

And the truth is, however lonely and small that makes me feel,

I’m just not very important to the rest of the world, eventhough I try to be,

I’m just a dot in a sea of dots,

And I need to learn to be comfortable with being that dot,

As it doesn’t matter whether people recognize or acknowledge me,

And it doesn’t matter if they regard me differently to how they did before,

Because I am still special to Allah,

As I am a believer,

And that status and role is more important than all other roles,

As Allah is still up there waiting for me to turn to Him,

Eventhough I feel so distant from Him right now,

And feel so distant from attaining Jannah,

(Sigh)

I need to be kinder to myself,

And kinder towards people for their flaws,

We’re all human at the end of the day,

And we’re all struggling,

I can’t be sure that another believer is more flawed than me just because some of their sins are visible to me,

The sins I commit in private may be much worse,

Oh life, what a struggle it can be.

A Poem on Picking The Shreds and Putting It Together Again

It’s good to speak up,

And sometimes I feel afraid of the outcome,

Afraid that I’ve added fuel to the blazing fire,

But if I say nothing,

The fire can also continue to burn,

Things aren’t resolved,

The smoking pot turns inwards,

Being ignited every now and again,

And that is painful, hurtful and distressing.

I stay quiet far too often as conflict brings me far too much distress,

So I walk away and let people win,

But really there are no winners and losers in this relationship,

There is loss, grief and uncertainty.

The full knowledge of what occurred lies with Allah,

And I need to move on and just take this as a lesson,

A lesson that I can’t always get what I want from people,

There needs to be some compromise,

I need to let go of my sense of entitlement,

No matter how big and grave I feel the injustice was,

It’s no good way to live when you carry the pain from years ago and stuff it away deep down,

But at least I can say that I said what I needed to say,

Got my own truth out there,

And yes it hurts to hear the word “No” over and over again,

But we can’t let that stop us from trying,

As to stop trying because of our fear of being let down,

Means to be too cautious and means we’re lacking the courage and bravery to put ourselves forward.

I am in need of courage and bravery,

I am in need of a hard outer shell that can allow the world to bounce off me,

I don’t want to be shy and meek anymore,

I don’t want to be the girl that I was before,

Yes, I’ve been broken down,

But so that I could be built up again stronger than before inshaAllah,

So Alhamdulillah for the pain, the sorrow, the distress, the let downs, the disappointments,

It teaches us a lot about who we are, where we stand,

And it can feel humiliating at times to be treated wrongfully,

But maybe it’s better to respond with dignity and respect,

Even to those who disrespect you,

At least your conscience is clear,

And you have been the better person,

And walked away with conviction and strength,

Rather than belittle yourself to the level of another.

And in some situations, perhaps there is no right and wrong,

Just grey areas, uncertainty, not being able to have what you want,

And so you try to find some explanation within religious texts,

But yet, you still can’t gain clarity as to whether behaviour is right or wrong,

And so another lesson is that not everything is quite black and white, haraam and halaal, right and wrong,

But I like to make it so as my mind struggles to handle all these options, these grey areas.

A Poem on Being Having One’s Rights Taken Away

It’s hard when you try to retrieve your rights from another person,

It’s a dispute,

And though you may ask for your rights back,

They are in their rights to say “No” too,

They can dismiss your claim on grounds of their own.

It is even more frustrating when there isn’t an independent arbitrator I can go to,

To retrieve those rights,

So I can either just grieve by myself and continue complaining to Allah,

Or I can try asking again that those believers hand me my rights back to me,

But I must put my hope and trust in Allah.

Other believers will let me down of course,

They can refuse my request but I can choose how I will react/respond to it,

All good comes from Allah,

And it is required from me to hope for the best when it comes to what Allah can deliver for me,

As He made that promise to us in the Qur’an,

And as believers we must believe in what Allah tells us,

He will never break His promises.

It is these other believers who will break their word,

And not act in accordance with the sunnah,

And if they do so then they are at fault and have made grave errors by leaving another believer in the dark,

Which they can do of course.

I’m not sure whether I’m doing the right thing myself,

Whether I should make excuses for them,

There is an excuse I can think of,

But still…even if that excuse is a legitimate excuse,

An effort should have been made to reach out to me in some sort of way,

Not to just leave me hanging,

While I was filled with crippling anxiety,

Lost so much,

Had to work so hard despite suffering and grieving,

(Sigh)

But all these are life lessons,

And I have learnt so much,

Not to blindly follow people and to question them (by the criteria of the Qur’an and sunnah),

To put my faith, trust and hope in Allah, not in other people who are flawed,

And to speak up when I feel something isn’t quite right,

To voice my thoughts, opinions and feelings.

I’ve always found it embarassing to talk about my feelings,

Thinking it too touchy-feely a subject,

But our feelings tell us a lot about what is going on inside us,

And about what our heart really wants.

I have to move on and stop depending on people,

I need to stop waiting around for people to hand me my rights,

I must seize them,

I must strive for them,

I must run towards Allah,

InshaAllah.

I must let people know that their actions are wrong for the sake of Allah,

And not fear their reaction and judgement,

One will be hurt and abused at times,

But it is weak to avoid taking risks and challenging oneself,

Just because one is afraid of the punches and blows that come with it,

Just because one doesn’t want to be bruised.

Those bruises show us a lot,

And that is that we’ve lived, been hurt, lost things,

And yet Allah still keeps us standing,

To learn, reflect, share our reminders with the world,

It is worth it,

So I can’t just back down,

I am an honourable human being, a believer,

I am better than this and deserve much better treatment.

A Poem on Career Pathways

All these career pathways,

It all just seems so complicated.

Why do I have to know which specialty I want to go into,

And can I really be sincere in the one that I choose,

i.e. choose one that I feel passionate about,

One I feel driven to succeed in,

Not for me and my own benefit,

But for the benefit of the patients I serve,

Or shall I pick one that I feel the safest in,

One in which I feel protected,

Protected and supported when an angry patient who has lost their child decides to take legal action against the trust,

When our management plans and documentation are scrutinised,

When we are summoned by the courts and questioned about our behaviour, our actions and why we did what we did.

I’m so unsure, and how hard this is for me.

There are a mixture of conflicting feelings and thoughts within me right now.

I don’t really know what is best for me,

And because I don’t know,

I must hand this all back to Allah, the Almighty, my Lord,

He knows more than me,

And whatever He grants me is what is best for me inshaAllah.

A Poem on the Deep Pain I Endured

Shattered dreams, lost hope, the break-down of trust, respect and the breakdown of a deeply close and loving friendship,

Is what I had to endure.

I felt like I was prey for the crocodiles,

And though I have been silenced and told to let go,

I did walk away (for the record),

But the pain and the memories remained,

I still live with that.

Every now and again, something triggers it again,

And I remember the awful things that happened,

The betrayal, being abandoned, the breaking of one’s word,

And the deep psychological wounds that were left behind,

The difficult feelings, the pain, the anger, the sorrow, the uncertainty and the lack of closure,

How dare you walk away!

This is my life too, not just yours,

I made huge sacrifices so I had a right to know,

But I couldn’t force you to hand my rights back to me,

And so I pray so hard that you will suffer one day too,

For the injustices that occurred,

And for leaving me to rot by myself in a ditch,

Without extending a helping hand,

Shame on you!

I wish you would learn,

(Sigh).

Oh the human spirit,

How much joy people can bring,

But how much this can be eradicated by one or a few hurtful events.

I’m deeply saddened by everything,

Your actions, behaviour, how I was discarded like waste,

It was atrocious, and I hope that one day you are apologetic, remorseful and regretful for what you did to me.

A Poem on Changing my Course

I just don’t really know what I want anymore.

I’ve spent the last however many years of my life toiling away at a profession which I don’t think I believe in anymore.

I came into medicine because I was a humanitarian, I cared for humanity at large, wanted to make peoples’ lives better,

I wanted to make people happier so they could go away and live in a more meaningful way,

I wanted to help people as I thought that was what would please Allah,

And though it definitely can, we need to do things in a way that is pleasing to Allah, and I truly haven’t.

Alas, there are still many good things as my deen has strengthened;

When your life is rubbish, you turn to Allah for relief.

When you have no-one around you who understands your pain and your struggle,

You turn to Allah, as you have no choice,

So Alhamdulillah for this glorious position.

Of course, I have a multitude of sins,

And I struggle to live around people who constantly talk about the dunya,

Whose interests are so different to mine,

(Sigh).

And I have been really questioning lately what I do next and how I proceed with my life,

Do I carry on following this same path just because I’ve devoted so much of my time to it,

Or do I do something completely different?

I need to start following Allah and be what feels is the closest to my heart.

I shouldn’t be embarrassed about what people think or take a path just because I’m ‘supposed’ to.

I want to be free to do whatever I please inshaAllah.

A Poem on Accepting my Fate

I’ll be honest, I’m just tired of all this,

Tired of studying for an exam that I have struggled to pass for many years.

I’m actually starting to get bored and I’m feeling quite unhappy with everything right now –

the profession, the direction the profession is heading, the intense workload, the lack of support, the low morale and the general culture in the UK.

Speaking more on the culture – people are just ungrateful, angry, frustrated and miserable all the time.

I look at these people and I compare them with people in very resource-poor countries,

Everyone surrounding me is so privileged, far more privileged than most people in the world,

And though it might not feel that way as we’re living besides and being exposed to great wealth in our locality,

Sometimes we should stand back and look at the bigger world,

And see how fortunate we are in comparison to so many in the world,

We are living under relative peace, security and comfort,

So what right do we have to complain?

It is the shaytan who makes mankind focus on what they don’t have,

The lack of wealth, the lack of a spouse, the loss of anything near and dear to us,

And of course, speaking from personal experience of loss, it is bound to be depressing,

It is bound to bring heart-ache, sorrow and pain,

But once we have grieved, we need to reflect on the situation,

What is the status of our heart and our iman? Why are we in a situation like this?

God is testing us, there is no doubt about that,

But how do we overcome these tests?

It is through seeking knowledge to correct our ignorance,

Making the deepest and most heartfelt d’ua whilst mustering up all the tawaqqul (dependency) inside us,

And taking those small steps with our limbs to show Allah that we are on His side and that we are hopeful of Him answering our d’ua.

I live with great pain and sorrow, things that I can’t utter or complain of,

But perhaps that is a good thing,

Because it leaves me with no option but to only turn to Allah,

As there is no human who will be able to relieve this suffering that I have experienced,

No possibility that time can be reversed so that the past didn’t happen,

And the wish and the desire to have events that have occurred to be diverted,

Is simply from the shaytan,

As I am glad that I have taken all of the actions that I took,

I’m glad that I tried to be a better person and to become closer to Allah,

And any perceived failure in my eyes is due to no fault of my own or the people around me,

It just wasn’t meant to be.

At least I took all the steps I needed to, and though I can’t be sure of what my intentions were,

I hope that Allah will accept my actions from me,

And grant me a life that is better than the one I lead at the moment.