And so sometimes I numb the pain,
With food, people and entertainment.
But these are all just plasters,
Placed upon the deep wounds.
The infection lies below,
It’s gone down pretty deep.
So the plasters aren’t enough.
The infection needs to be pressed out,
And pushed out of my system.
I hold back the anger,
It isn’t good to take it out on people.
Though I have been a punching bag myself,
I don’t want to be the one to roll out the punches,
Since I know how much it hurts,
And how destructive it is.
I’m starting to expel it all to Allah,
To look at the sky and tell Him how hard I’m finding it all,
This life, this pretty crappy life.
But then I feel bad about being ungrateful,
And not being good enough.
Yes, my faith isn’t very strong,
I constantly compare myself against the very best,
And so I will fall short,
But how will I rectify this,
As well as be kind when I fall?
Allah is the most merciful,
He is not the most harsh.
Yes, He is just,
But He is also wise.
He’s very compassionate,
And He knows all that lies within our hearts,
So even during those times when,
We can’t really articulate how,
And what we’re feeling,
He will know even before we try.
But we should still try,
As to try is to worship,
All d’ua is worship,
And trying shows we still believe and have some hope.
So tomorrow I have this practical,
And it’s pretty important.
I’ve been studying for so long,
But yet there are all these gaps.
I don’t quite feel like I’ve done enough.
But I’ve also done and learnt more than I acknowledge.
Why am I always just so nervous?
No matter how much I do?
Why do I measure myself up against,
Such high standards?
Well I know that I want to change,
Rediscover myself, my values and reignite the passion to pursue,
All that I care about.
I have a right to do what I want,
To pursue what is important to me.
As long as I act within the laws of islam,
I can’t really control the outcome,
So inshaAllah, things will be ok.