A Poem on How My Anxiety Feels Right Now

Sometimes it feels like my body is a prison,

I feel trapped and scared,

Like there’s nowhere to go.

My body shakes and I just feel this pain in my chest,

Carrying all these woes,

These horrible feelings of guilt, anger, not being good enough or in control.

It’s a feeling of being suppressed and oppressed.

But there’s a voice inside that is waiting to get heard,

That wants to emerge and shout out to the world,

But somehow there’s this really intense fear,

That somehow it won’t work,

And I won’t attain the results that I seek for,

That I’ll be hurt or something bad will happen to me,

And I won’t be able to take it,

The idea of not measuring up,

Being that golden girl they all wanted me to be.

They all raised me up, I’m aware,

But having 10 plus parents is sometimes far too much.

There’s all this accountability,

That doesn’t really need to exist.

Life’s hard enough and the parents are mighty in their expectations,

But sometimes we kids just want to play and have fun.

I wasn’t allowed to do all the things I wanted,

So I remember being bored,

Not having the things my friends had,

Not being able to participate at school.

I didn’t feel like I was cool enough,

And that I mounted to nothing.

I needed human approval to feel validated,

But now I just can’t take it anymore.

I have these high standards myself,

And then to add on top of it,

All these expectations, the questions, the pressure to move on.

Sometimes you just want to scream,

You want to tell the world to just go and piss off,

While you sit by yourself and focus on what’s important to you,

Get in touch with yourself,

And be kind to what goes on inside.

It’s ok to be fed up,

No-one likes being nagged at.

I really don’t care what the world thinks,

Why did you put so much emphasis on my school-work for me?

I know it was you being a good parent,

But why not emphasise the importance of being healthy, well-rounded?

What was the point of doing well at school if I wasn’t going to use it in some way to help the world?

To make a difference? To be whoever and whatever I wanted to be.

I don’t want to be constrained anymore,

I don’t want to do what you tell me to.

Just because you think it so, doesn’t mean that it is.

Our thoughts don’t always equate to reality,

That’s why there’s a word called insanity,

When somehow our internal world isn’t quite keeping with what’s really going on.

Or sometimes we imagine scenarios that haven’t exactly happened,

But to us we feel all those feelings as if it was real,

And then we’re not quite aware of why we’re feeling rubbish,

We sometimes acknowledge that we are,

But we don’t always know where it started,

Or what set it off.

And then we just blame ourselves,

It’s all cos we’re sensitive,

And if we were tougher, then these feelings wouldn’t be there.

But that’s not quite true, as sometimes the world is quite mean to us,

And it’s important to acknowledge that that is the case,

Or else we end up being bullied and just controlled by people for their own sake.

People say they have good intentions,

And to them their intentions are good,

But really inside I feel that they’re all just trying to stop me from attaining what is good.

The path to jannah is hard,

And there’ll be obstacles along the way,

So shall I feel reassured that since I’m feeling all of this pain,

Then I must be on the right track?

I find some solace in knowing that affliction transcribes to an expiation of sin,

And there are so many I feel I have,

So many diseases that envelop my heart,

Things that I might not even be aware of.

As there are hidden diseases within us all.

Oh life, how you just throw things at me,

And make me curl into a ball.

I’ve had enough now,

I just want to sit out and cry,

Hide from the world and never look back!

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