The last few days before an important exam,
I stay at home just focussing on myself and living life.
This whole process can be depressing and isolating.
It’s an emotional rollercoaster and all the feelings are just hard and complicated.
I feel sensitive and really careful of who I speak to and interact with,
Being worried that the simplest of statements might make me fall apart.
I feel guilty about accepting help and affection from people,
Worrying deep down that I won’t be able to return that affection back to them.
But I acknowledge that I’ve made so much progress.
I’m feeling less anxious and more at peace with the whole process.
I’m accepting that God has his ways and is looking after us,
And nothing will happen that wasn’t already destined for us.
This makes me feel better as it helps me acknowledge,
That I’m not really in control.
I can’t force myself to work and if I did,
I’d become weary and tired and that’s not really what’s best for us.
I have been quite gluttonous and hedonistic these past few days.
I’m just seeking pleasure and company without any commitments or follow-up after that.
I feel a little bad that life has come to this,
My taqwa levels are dropping and it’s not a great place to be in.
But I know that my Lord will accept me back to Him,
No matter how sinful or greedy or hedonistic I have been.
As long as I repent and sincerely regret it,
Then He’ll be willing to have me back as it wasn’t my fault.
I just lived in a world where everything was so readily available.
But I know I have the choice to turn to or away,
But I feel so weak right now that I just want to be in the moment,
Absorbing all the delights of the present,
And have no worry or care about the consequences that will result from them.
I’ll judge myself later and repent from all that I did,
But right now I’m just an innocent girl with human desires,
And I’m happy to indulge in them and feel all the bliss of it 🙂