Yes, there’s grief, so much grief,
At all that she did.
The way she spoke to me,
As if I was a second-class citizen.
Her closed-off demeanour,
As if I was nothing to her.
Being betrayed and left alone,
Whilst what fell like my world was falling apart.
Whilst she went back to a cosy world.
Oh she could’ve shared,
We’re one body, one ummah,
But she decided to focus on herself.
I thought it was wrong,
Yes she is entitled to independence,
But ditching someone when they’re in the middle of an anxiety attack,
Was the worst thing to have ever happened to me.
I remember crumbling on the bus ride home,
Whilst I opened and read her messages full of rage.
How unexpected they were,
On an already low day.
I was poor and feeling weak.
I had to work my butt off,
Whilst she was living in peace.
How angry and jealous I was.
How quiet I stayed,
Being fearful that I would transgress the limits.
She comfortably got away,
So I hope that one day she is punished severely,
For leaving me alone.
For building my hopes up,
And then dumping me when she had had enough.
That’s just what she does to people,
Hurts them, then runs away.
How cruel and flawed people can be.
What pain they have the potential to inflict on poor souls like me.
But I was also at fault,
I let myself grow attached.
I was highly needy of her approval and consent.
I looked up to her and probably put a lot of pressure on her.
She may have cracked under my seemingly high expectations of her.
But it still hurt when she said our friendship was toxic and highly damaged.
I didn’t think it was,
Which has been quite a problem.
Now I look back, yes there were flaws.
We were too close and our lives too intertwined.
But I didn’t know any better at the time.
I needed her but she didn’t need me.
I was just a burden,
An unnecessary weight placed upon her.
But I’ve learnt so much about love and heart-breaks.
I’ve taught myself how to pick up and move on.
I’m still sad about what happened,
But I accept that it did and I don’t want to go back.
It hurts to love another and be enthusiastic about engaging with them,
But then just be faced with a blank wall as if you’re just a dot they had wished never existed.
Oh I’m glad of her existence.
How she’s benefitted me.
I hope that she appreciated me,
And I hope that I supported her,
During times of grief for her.
I was happy to be there for her,
To feel her pain and anger,
At all those other things in the world,
That were deserving of those emotions.
But now I want to learn,
How to focus on my Lord.
How to turn to Him in my time of need,
Rather than running to other human beings.
It should be Allah that I find solace in.
He should be that safe haven,
Not other callous beings,
Who run away at the sight of pain.
Who don’t have the ability to handle,
The rocks and stones of another human’s burdens.
Only Allah can carry this hurt,
He is the leader of the world.
But we’re too busy,
Looking upto false idols,
And placing our love and respect on those instead.
All glory should be for Allah,
Not for all those brutal people,
The dunya puts in charge.
And one day we’ll realise,
What lies the dunya fed us with,
But then it’ll be too late.
So it’s better for us then,
That we face upto the truth.
Acknowledge that things are bad around us,
So we can act strong and turn away from things.
But if we just pretend that these things are just normal,
We end up turning to those things,
And adopting them like other humans.