And so I felt like I had just withered away,
Like a flower turned into potpourri.
No word, no interest, just a blank wall, a grey slate.
I was ill but she didn’t care.
She didn’t look out for me like she once did.
I would look out for her,
I’d be a better human and show compassion and care.
Or maybe I wouldn’t and be like “get stuffed bitch, you ruined my life…
Left me to pick up the pieces,
Whilst you carried on with your perfect life.”
So I’m bitter, angry and jealous,
That she can walk away,
With such ease,
Like I didn’t even matter to her,
While I struggle to exist now,
With the knowledge that I am flawed,
And she walked away because of it,
Or that’s just what she said,
As perhaps there were things happening,
Which she didn’t really convey.
She was quite private,
I could never really access her thoughts.
She was a deep thinker,
Didn’t fully convey the churning of her thoughts,
Which is why she was hard to understand,
Why did she act and behave the way she did?
When inside she knew the truth so the knowledge was there.
You don’t just dump the other believers,
We’re supposed to be one body,
And when one part aches, we all ache together.
How vicious our ummah has become,
And how selfish we all are,
Living our individualistic lives,
Without a care in the world,
For all those other Muslims who suffer,
Whilst we consume all these heavenly goods.
I’m just as guilty,
How indulgent I can be,
Would I have really been that different?
As righteous I think I can be.
But all humans have limits,
Thresholds to what they can bear.
And so she had reached hers,
And so she had just blocked me out.
I felt betrayed, hurt, horrible.
Like I was nothing.
But now I want to emerge from the ashes,
Discover my own self-worth,
I don’t need her blessings,
I want to rise up into the sky,
And join Allah and the angels,
And the Prophet with all his friends.
This world was meant to be full of loss,
People grieve for ages.
So I can’t speed up this process,
And should just accept my feelings for what they are.
The ultimate act of betrayal,
How dare she,
And I hope she rots.