Living in the turmoil

I’m just exhausted with everything, life, all of it. I just think, what is the bleeding point of it all?

There just seems to be no solace here. I feel sick of working so hard and having little return.

I am hoping and praying that one day I see the benefits of this hard work in this dunya and the next, cos waiting for all the goodness in jannah is too long a wait – there needs to be smaller rewards along the way to maintain our momentum and to raise our spirits.

I don’t think islam is a miserable religion. I don’t think Allah is cruel or evil. He is waiting up there and will reward the believers as He promised. I do weakly believe this but am just finding it difficult to find the energy and motivation to worship in the way that I used to.

So I’m doing small acts of worship, things I can do sat down – reciting duas, etc. I have been thinking more about islam these last two days so something is working, Alhamdulillah.

I have felt peace when I have attempted to meditate. I managed to let go of some of the tension in my body and found this serenity within. They say that peace can be found within, and I think the body can provide an anchor for us to gently bring our minds to when we are troubled by our thoughts or our reactions to the events around us. But it is Allah who gave us this body to begin with. He is sustaining it, so all thanks should go directly to the source of all good within this dunya.

There is evil and there is good. In a world devoid of morality it can be difficult to distinguish between the two. We’re all struggling Oh Lord. How many of us can say we pray? How many of us can say that we love Allah and the prophet Muhammad pbuh more than everything else – our careers, our families, our goals, things we love in this dunya?

Not sure.

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Just where I am

Some days will be challenging when you just don’t feel like working. It’s quite frustrating but that is life, sometimes you can stick to your plans, othertimes you just feel lazy and want to relax.

It’s ok to have these downs, because they provide you with some momentum to rise up again. As they say, the only way is up from the bottom. 

There will always be obstacles in life so sometimes one needs to reframe their aims and look at things from different perspectives.

There are lots of different paths to Allah. Some will be doctors, some will be engineers, some will be scholars – if one path doesn’t work out, we need to find a way around it. It is up to us to navigate our way around.

One thing I don’t do enough is to seek the help from Allah. I’m always thinking about myself, but we humans are weak and powerless without the strength of Allah. He created us and is sustaining us. When He decides that life should end for us, it will end. Everything remains with Him. We can’t ever think we can suffice without Him.

How have I been doing?

The holiday period is always challenging for me in terms of my mood and my anxiety. The challenge is to create a routine and maintain it, but it does require a lot of self-discipline to do so as you have the whole day free to yourself so it is easy to procrastinate.

I have three weeks off. The first week was productive Alhamdulillah. I had a few nice activities planned and then managed to slot in some revision sessions in between. My mood was good that week and I was able to motivate myself to wake up in the morning as I was around people who woke up early.

The second week was a bit more tricky. I moved to my family home and I found myself not being able to control the thoughts in my mind, even mindfulness didn’t help. I felt stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts. I began thinking earlier on today, what can I do to resolve this? And so I went about creating some goals with some steps of action.

I know I have trouble with motivation too, which might be linked to the fact that I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. So I created a vision board which I intend to look at every single day inshaAllah.

I am hoping that these steps will help clear up some of the fog in my path inshaAllah.

Looking ahead, I know I need to order a 2018 diary and make some sort of plan for the next few weeks leading upto the exam. I am determined to win inshaAllah, but I need to find some sort of balance between studying and taking care of myself and not neglecting my wellbeing.

A Poem on Where I am

I sit here with my thoughts, 

A hoover in the background,

The clock ticking away,

As I sit back on a sofa.

My back hurts from sitting awkwardly,

During revision sessions.

The life of a student is hard, 

You need drive and stamina.

The road can be long and tiring.

One day we’ll reach the end though inshaAllah,

And we’ll find that spring at the end of the path,

That we can drink from.

It will soothe us and we’ll look back,

And cherish our effort,

And we’d be prepared to do it all over again,

If our Lord gave us one more chance.

A poem on love

There is love,

So much love my dear brothers and sisters,

For the ummah,

Who are suffering,

Who face trials and hardship every day.

This is the nature of the dunya,

It is a place of turmoil and fitnah,

There is so much pain,

Everywhere.

Oh Allah, please fix things,

The world, everything.

I refuse to be a pawn, 

A cog in the wheel,

In a system that feels so broken.

I am worth more,

Because Allah gave me islam.

He gave me dignity and courage,

And He gave me something so much stronger,

That can conquer everything.

I feel so much love,

For all the people out there,

Those who I know and don’t know,

Who do so much,

To make the world a better place.

I love you all,

And my heart goes out to you,

One day Allah will set us free,

And lift us out of this fog.

A Poem on Being

It’s a fast paced, noisy world.

There’s too much that is said and done,

That one just doesn’t have the time or the energy,

To process or to reflect upon,

So one needs to just let go,

To sit back and observe one’s thoughts and feelings,

To say to themselves,

That it’s ok to be where I am,

It’s ok to feel the way I do.

That I can’t change it,

This is the world,

Full of turmoil,

I’m not part of it though,

I was never meant to be,

Since I’m returning to Allah.

I’m not aiming to get anywhere right now,

Or reach any places.

It’s ok to just take a pit-stop,

To exist and just be.

The world will be ok,

And Allah will take care of everything.

A poem on the pressure to get married

Why do I have to be married,

To be complete?

I am a human being,

And my self-worth comes from within.

I have no desire to resign myself,

To a life of servitude.

I want autonomy,

To be free to exercise my control,

In the manner that I see fit.

It is not your duty,

To tell me what I should and should not want,

I will decide,

I am aware of the reality of the world,

I look around and see a crumbling society,

Not a place to raise up one’s children,

And so I feel that the world doesn’t need me to be a mother,

There are plenty of mothers,

And they are doing a far better job than I could ever do or be.

So please just back off,

And allow me to be.

Things will be ok inshaAllah.

A Poem on Existing

Everywhere there is suffering,

It is a cruel, harsh world.

Things are getting worse,

Day by day.

But there will always be hope,

Light, glory and faith.

Allah has promised the believers that,

Those who stick it out.

It’s hard dear believers,

To exist in this painful world,

That stabs us time and time again,

Where we are wounded internally,

And the healing is never-ending,

Or so it seems.

The suffering erases our sins,

It makes us stronger,

But at first a lot weaker.

Oh Allah, allow us to be of the good ones.

Oh merciful one, bestow your mercy upon us,

It is challenging to live in this era,

Where you are surrounded by evil,

Everywhere!

It’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong.

Oh Lord, fill our hearts with iman,

And give us the strength and desire to strive towards you.

A Poem on my Roots

It makes sense why I’m like this,

A product of an angry being.

She made my life mad,

And as I wanted to please her,

I just took it as it was bad to retaliate,

To answer back, to rebel.

And so I locked up the anger, the frustration,

A side of me wanting to be good,

And a side of me wanting to act out.

But I never had the courage to do that,

I just ran away, that was how I coped.

And so, every time something happens,

That brings back those same feelings,

I run away, I retreat, I hide.

So now when I want to block things out,

To conceal my flaws,

I should face upto it,

All pain will dissipate.

Tis life,

Everyone has a different struggle.

And it’s a strange world to live in,

To hold onto something as special as the deen.

Life is challenging.

But this was how it was supposed to be,

A test and a trial.

It’s tough when the world around you,

Makes you think that things should be fine and dandy all the time.

It is hard, but we will get through this,

Life will improve and change,

InshaAllah

A Poem on Self-Limiting Beliefs

Beliefs are hard to shake off,

They’re there in your mind and thoughts,

Influencing your every action,

Whether you are conscious of it or not.

Some of those beliefs are obstacles,

And are stopping you from progressing in life.

Acknowledge those thoughts,

They came from somewhere,

Most likely childhood,

Your parents or someone else,

Their voice is in your head.

You can’t change the past,

But challenge those thoughts,

Repeat mantras to yourself,

Every single day,

So that self-limiting belief crumbles away,

And doesn’t influence you ever again.

You are what you add fuel to.

Our experiences generate thoughts and feelings within us,

Some that are painful,

That keep on arising again and again.

Gently let it go each time,

You are not your thoughts,

Or your feelings,

You are a beautiful soul,

With a divine purpose,

You will succeed in life,

That is for sure.

“What if?” That voice in your head says,

Well, what if something good happens?

We can choose to imagine a bad scenario,

Or a good one,

We can become transfixed on what could go wrong,

Or what if it works?

My current mode of thinking is flawed,

So I must reframe my mind,

And do something different,

Or else life will pass me by,

And I’ll stay stuck,

Doing the same thing,

Over and over,

And not go anywhere,

But remain,

But I can’t have that.