Just some Problems

I wish life was different. I sit here wondering what to do as I just allow life to sweep me away. I continue to get things done with a minimal level of exertion, not really doing the things I feel passionate about, just doing what they want me to do. It’s so frustrating to be here sometimes. I know I’m not alone and I know it’s going to be tough but inshaAllah we will get through this. I am looking forward to that feeling of it being over, but at the same time I know that once this phase is over, something more difficult will begin.

I hate the system and I just want to complain about it. I know complaining doesn’t change things but it makes me feel better to know that certain deficiencies or my inability to keep up with things isn’t necessarily my fault. I’m just part of a stupid system that I can’t change.

However, I accept I need to comply with it in order to get what I want and achieve my end goal.

I’m making so many sacrifices and I feel so unhappy about the people I have lost and the fact that I compromise every day on my faith (the most important thing of all).

Oh Lord, please help me and save me

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A poem on these deep, dark thoughts

Some days I feel low,

And I don’t know what to do.

This black fog is here,

The one that makes me feel miserable.

About everything and nothing in particular,

Just life in general,

Everything seems awful and then,

I shut down emotionally.

I wish I had the mental stamina,

To continue living in a good way.

These morals make living difficult.

I feel the shaytan is pushing me towards kufr.

Which would be the worst thing ever.

It would be the ultimate failure and defeat.

But I’m not there yet,

So I must continue inshaAllah.

Give myself a break,

Practice some loving compassion and warmth towards myself.

That sad things happen around us,

And that’s just the way it is.

It’s the way it always will be.

As I sit in this café,

Going through this existential crisis,

That I’m having right now.

A poem on my current pain

There’s too much pain inside me,

Of things I haven’t dealt with,

People I shrugged off.

All the issues that weren’t issues for me,

As I put them aside,

Didn’t care.

Now suddenly I am facing life again,

It’s all there in front of me,

Laid out in my mind.

But I want to brush it aside gently,

Not forever,

Just for the moment,

While I tackle something that is important to me,

A race I need to win,

A race I want to win,

For myself and for my family.

I can’t please everyone,

I must find solace in things I like and enjoy.

So they lift me up,

And make me feel useful, valid, wanted in peoples’ lives.

Where is my deen?

It’s disappearing and that’s another issue.

Things are always changing,

And when things become grim,

I must remind myself,

That things picked up before,

All things that appear to have no solutions,

Will pick up.

Things will be ok.

Everything will be ok inshaAllah.

A poem on painful feelings

I wish I could express to you,

How much pain you brought to my life,

And how angry I am that you left me behind,

Dropped me and carried on like normal.

How dare you! Ditch me like waste.

I had no-one while you do.

Gracefully carrying on with your perfect life,

Whilst I suffered and made sacrifices.

One day, I hope that justice is served.

That we get what we deserve,

If we deserve it. 

I struggle to see what is right or wrong these days,

Just surrounded by ignorance and people chasing their desires.

I chase my desires too so I can be similar to those around me,

To fit in and have things to talk about.

Or else I’m just a lonely soul, different to everyone else.

I don’t fit in anywhere and my family just feels divided.

Oh Allah, please save us all.

I don’t know what will happen to us.

A poem on how I struggle

I find life quite grim,

The weather is grim,

People are grim and so I try,

To muster up the strength and enthusiasm,

To get out of bed and leave the flat,

To pay attention to,

Everything I am supposed to attend.

It’s a daily struggle and I’m determined to continue,

Not to give everything to the fight,

As I need to relax and enjoy myself too,

But to attain some balance, some sanity, some calm amongst the busyness.

I don’t know how to live at times.

There’s me, me as a medic, me as a Muslim and me as a daughter,

And there’s the me that is trying to blend it all together,

To make sense of all these roles,

To not carry one role into the other.

To be present and to love.

I’m struggling to love those who bring me pain, who stood in front of me and stopped me,

From doing what I wanted to do,

Who tried to control my life.

I can’t handle it, I need to scream.

Maybe I should scream, I don’t know.

But I’m just living as a highly conflicted and confused Muslim,

In a world where nothing really makes sense.

I need to turn to God.

I know He is waiting,

But I prioritise everything else,

And come to the Lord just when I can’t cope anymore,

So maybe the pain and the sorrow is a good thing.

A Poem on suppressed feelings

You let me down,

I was waiting for you,

To lead me, provide some direction, guidance,

But you had had enough.

You went silent, spent time away from me.

When I reached breaking point,

And I turned to you,

You lashed out,

The emotions and anger you had been bottling up came out,

That you couldn’t handle me anymore,

I tried to engage you in some sort of dialogue,

But you walked away,

Unnegotiating.

I was angry, so angry.

How dare you do this to me?

It was cruel.

It was painful.

That pain emerges every now and again.

You left me, dropped me,

While you just picked up and carried on.

You pushed the blame on me.

There’s so much hurt within me.

Which I can’t express to anyone.

You were in the wrong,

You mishandled me.

I hate you for doing this to me.

However, I learnt things.

Human beings can’t be fully depended on.

To be questioning and critical.

That I do have the strength to pick myself up,

To walk on the path of recovery,

To build my life back again,

To inspire myself,

Motivate myself.

My ego was bruised,

But the pain lessens day by day.

Some days it emerges,

When I’m lost or confused about other things,

The pain and the memories come flooding back,

You broke me,

But I acknowledge it was meant to be this way.

That God had aligned our lives and then split us apart.

I don’t fully agree with how you separated from me,

Though maybe you were just lost yourself,

And felt guilty for my pain,

So maybe you thought locking me out was the only way.

It must be sad to feel responsibility for someone else,

To take on their burden when they were too weak to do it themselves.

I don’t know how our lives will map out,

There’s so much uncertainty in the future.

This is the part when I need to tell myself,

That God is responsible for the future,

Not me.

A poem on chasing the world

We’re all searching for happiness,

In objects, people, experiences, our faith.

Happiness doesn’t last as feelings are temporary.

We’re chasing fleeting emotions.

I sit here with my books open,

Listening to the wind howling outside,

And I wonder to myself,

What do I do? What do I chase?

I’m in the middle of an existential crisis again,

One thing solves itself and another appears,

Just when you think life is on track and you’re happy,

Things change and it’s all out of your control.

I’m trying to see the positive side to it,

The betrayal, the injustice, the loneliness.

That maybe God is preparing me for a better afterlife, or I hope He is.

Jannah has been promised for the believers.

Eventhough it is hard to be a believer,

It is hard to pray at times,

It is hard to do the right thing when everyone else wants to do the wrong thing,

And sometimes you just don’t know what is true anymore,

You feel lost and empty,

Like you’re a slave to the dunya,

Just chasing the world like everyone else,

Part of the rat race.

I want to be loved,

Why do I feel unloved?

Is it the movies, the tv, the world?

Romanticising relationships, 

When actually they are probably quite painful and challenging to handle right?

Two people with different thoughts, lifestyles, aims, coming together,

Trying to synchronise their lives, expectations, etc.

Oh world, you let me down.

Why do I keep chasing you?

I know why I do as I am surrounded by you.

I see you every day.

The truth isn’t always clear,

It’s surrounded by falsehood too,

By grey, murky waters.

The path to jannah will be hard.

We need to keep strong,

And keep paddling along.

Sometimes the sea will be calm,

Sometimes a few ripples,

Other times there will be waves,

The waves will come towards you,

And it will feel like you will tip over,

But Allah will save you,

He has your back.

I know our faith might be weak at times,

But sometimes He is the only reason I continue being,

He is sustaining me, though I don’t always acknowledge it,

Or thank Him.

The layers of my identity

There are some things that aren’t easy to talk about. When you think about them or want to find a way of expressing yourself, you can’t quite describe the feelings as they are so painful. You can’t find the right words to describe it.

I have so many layers to my identity and I’m struggling just to deal with it all. 

1. Being a Muslim

There is my religion and I feel like I’m a bad Muslim. I keep on missing my five daily prayers. I’m not in the routine of reciting my adhkar like I used to, and I don’t recite the Qur’an daily like I used to.

2. Being South Asian

I feel like there is pressure on me to be the woman my parents wanted me to be. To reach a certain age and be married and settled down. They see that as a milestone for themselves and a sense of achievement – i.e. ‘I was able to raise my child up to adulthood and now it is their time to do the same for their children’. 

3. Being an aspiring doctor

Of course my course is challenging and there are expectations of me in terms of the knowledge and skills I am supposed to have. There are constant pressures of exams and deadlines too.

4. Being a daughter and a sister

As the eldest child, I feel this responsibility to take care of my siblings but I’m just barely hanging on myself. I don’t feel like I have the brainspace to take that responsibility. It’s just too much

And so there is all this pressure on me to be a certain way and to do and be all of these things all at once and I’m not sure how to reconcile all of it.

Of course there are no easy solutions to these sorts of things which makes me feel kind of hopeless and low. As if defeat is inevitable.

I feel the shaytan is playing his part too by injecting negative thoughts into my mind, and preventing me from praying and worshipping in the same way I used to.

Allah is the only reason why we were put on this earth and the one we will go back to. He is the maker and the most powerful being. He is responsible for everyone. Some of these burdens are just far too much to bear, these expectations, the sorrow, the emptiness, all the changes in my life. And I’m not quite sure what to do about it or who to tell.

Life is hard, that is for sure.

What brings me out of Stress

I was so stressed and felt so low earlier on, that I wanted to sit down and reflect on why that was and what helped me to recover.

I felt like I had a lot to think about and a lot to do. I was also travelling later which stresses me out. My mum was also complaining about my brother and his conduct which made me feel quite sad as it wasn’t something that I could control and I don’t really know what to do about it. His conduct worries me too. 

Whilst I was already feeling sad, I kept on thinking about my friend who broke up with me.

I felt better after forcing myself to do some work, eating, watching tv and talking to a friend over whatsapp (one I hadn’t spoken to in a while). Those things made a lot of difference.

It just goes to show how important play is in a world of work.

A Poem Whilst Feeling Stressed

I wasn’t designed to carry the weight of the world upon my shoulders,

God was the being who created and sustains it all,

It wasn’t my job to do so.

And even if I failed this exam,

The world would carry on as normal.

Here is me, sat here, encompassing two different worlds,

One with me, my aims and priorities (a little of the worlds’ in between)

And then there is what my parents want for me,

Thinking my life belongs to them and is for them to control,

When it’s not.

I want to get past these hurdles,

But at the same time I want to enjoy life,

And these days I’m struggling to know,

How to do it all,

And what to achieve.

What to aim for,

And what to prioritize,

I need to pick a focus.

Stuff the world,

Pursue what is important to me,

And will be important in the end.

Decision fatigue.

There are too many things to think about,

I push them aside,

But they keep on cropping back up.

Ya Allah save my mind from being hijacked,

By these painful and destructive thoughts.