Thoughts on Where I am Now

There have been moments of great suffering over the previous years of my life. This post does not intend to go into the details of that but to acknowledge there have been moments of great strength, positivity, energy and joy.

There have been major losses as well – failure, defeat, loss of loved ones, people who decided to close the door in your face and expected a graceful response. But everything happens for a reason.

I try too much to be in control. I’m too idealistic at times, a bit of a dreamer who pictures an idyllic future. I have heavy expectations of myself, my society and the people around me.

I am starting to acknowledge that I don’t control the world around me and I never will. God is the leader, the Lord, the one who is in charge. Everything might seem chaotic around me but it is just the way that God wanted it to be. It feels like humans are just destroying the world and destroying each other, all for the sake of money and power. But Allah told us that it won’t be for long as we will return to Him.

I had a vision for my future but experiences in life have led me to review that vision, or whether it is even wise to have a vision. Picturing things in your mind and imagining scenarios that have never occurred or that you want to occur is powerful – these feelings stick with you. Maybe it is too hard to shake them off when life does not meet with that vision.

Maybe my approach is wrong though. Maybe it is ok to still have a vision but one needs to rely upon and put their faith in Allah. That is something I’ve always struggled with, as I tend to rely upon myself, have high expectations of myself and so I then feel miserable when things don’t go to plan. 

I am not in control.

I am not in control.

I am not in control.

I don’t know what the future holds and sometimes that scares me. I used to feel that a partner would provide me with security, that I’d feel safe, wanted, loved. But other human beings are unreliable and flawed and will hurt you all the time. They are human too. They are struggling just like me to live in a world that is constantly challenging them.

I feel jealous all the time of certain people. They seem so perfect, composed, with it. Living in their perfect little world with caring parents who can save them and bail them out with their money. It makes me loathe them at times – but I guess they have their own pain too. They might not talk about it. They probably have other ways of dealing with it. Putting up a front or maybe that actually helps them.

My thoughts seem so incoherent right now. I’m living in a world that I just can’t make sense of. But I wasn’t meant to understand it all as my human mind has a limited capacity.

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