Reflections on My Flaws

I don’t want to confront my flaws and I wonder, is that even the best way, to confront them? To stand in front of them and be like “hello flaw, move the hell out of the way, I am here to overcome you.” Or what if I just let it linger there in the background and just allow things to be? Go along with the status quo, as harsh as it may be?

Am I being reactive and blaming problems on the world? Or should I just be like, “ok, here I am in this situation. It’s not the best place I want to be right now. But I have no control over the people I have to interact with. I need to find a way to adapt my personality so that it interacts with the people I have to interact with in a better way.” 

It’s not nice to have to be around doctors you don’t want to be around, but you have to. This is life and in the general world of work, there will be people who you don’t get along with. You can either try to run away from the situation but this will mean that you won’t develop as a person. Or, you can find a way to change yourself and transform yourself so that you do your job better and are learning well and effectively. 

I am sensitive and I take things personally. When I am around people who are impolite or who don’t really seem to value you, it irritates me, and I can’t shrug off this irritation. I wish I could be stronger and develop more grit inshaAllah, so that I can be like steel and whatever is chucked at me, it can just bounce off.

Maybe it’s true, that around some types of doctors or men, you need to be more assertive and tell them what you want and need. Because it is your own responsibility. No-one else cares about you. Of course, in an ideal world there needs to be a balance between effort but it might not always work like that. You can’t always end up being angry at those who aren’t pulling their weight. That’s just them and the way they are. They can’t change and they may not want to change. They may just want to be good enough and not excellent.

Not everyone lives their life the way I do and often I get disappointed at people for acting in ways I believe to be wrong. I see a world that behaves in a way that doesn’t seem to conform with the way I perceive the world to be. 

The world isn’t going to lay a red carpet out in front of me or hand me the crown jewels. If I want treasure, I’m going to have to find a way to get it myself. The road is so harsh and so brutal. People just care about themselves.

But I must not be too unfair because as I write this, I am reminded of the kind and the compassionate. Those who do stretch their arms out and try to assist you in becoming a better doctor. There is one in particular I am thinking of, who tries to turn each moment into a learning opportunity, who looks out for me, who is willing to cover for me, who engages with me and makes me feel welcomed. 

There is another I met today, who would give me a lot of positive feedback and I appreciated that. He gave me a task of speaking to a patient and told me to present it back to him. He then allowed me to clerk in a patient and put a cannula into him. He was enthusiastic about teaching and that is what I valued.

So yes, for every unpleasant or apathetic person you meet there can be so many others who are lovely and kind. Why is it that the negative, lowly ones stick in our minds and dampen our spirits. 

I must keep smiling at the world and trying to get along with it. It’s ok if the world chucks something at me. I can try to let it slide off me. 

Every day is a new day and I must be bold and brave in how I approach new experiences. Yes, it can be scary and daunting but that’s where growth happens. 

I can just accept my flaws and be like “this is my personality, i can’t change” but that could just be an excuse to not want to put the effort in to change or try something different or be a different person.

It’s challenging but this is where growth happens, out of our comfort zones.

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