Thoughts on Where I am Now

There have been moments of great suffering over the previous years of my life. This post does not intend to go into the details of that but to acknowledge there have been moments of great strength, positivity, energy and joy.

There have been major losses as well – failure, defeat, loss of loved ones, people who decided to close the door in your face and expected a graceful response. But everything happens for a reason.

I try too much to be in control. I’m too idealistic at times, a bit of a dreamer who pictures an idyllic future. I have heavy expectations of myself, my society and the people around me.

I am starting to acknowledge that I don’t control the world around me and I never will. God is the leader, the Lord, the one who is in charge. Everything might seem chaotic around me but it is just the way that God wanted it to be. It feels like humans are just destroying the world and destroying each other, all for the sake of money and power. But Allah told us that it won’t be for long as we will return to Him.

I had a vision for my future but experiences in life have led me to review that vision, or whether it is even wise to have a vision. Picturing things in your mind and imagining scenarios that have never occurred or that you want to occur is powerful – these feelings stick with you. Maybe it is too hard to shake them off when life does not meet with that vision.

Maybe my approach is wrong though. Maybe it is ok to still have a vision but one needs to rely upon and put their faith in Allah. That is something I’ve always struggled with, as I tend to rely upon myself, have high expectations of myself and so I then feel miserable when things don’t go to plan. 

I am not in control.

I am not in control.

I am not in control.

I don’t know what the future holds and sometimes that scares me. I used to feel that a partner would provide me with security, that I’d feel safe, wanted, loved. But other human beings are unreliable and flawed and will hurt you all the time. They are human too. They are struggling just like me to live in a world that is constantly challenging them.

I feel jealous all the time of certain people. They seem so perfect, composed, with it. Living in their perfect little world with caring parents who can save them and bail them out with their money. It makes me loathe them at times – but I guess they have their own pain too. They might not talk about it. They probably have other ways of dealing with it. Putting up a front or maybe that actually helps them.

My thoughts seem so incoherent right now. I’m living in a world that I just can’t make sense of. But I wasn’t meant to understand it all as my human mind has a limited capacity.

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A poem after an encounter with two friends

Remember that everyone who comes into your life will leave you,

A dear friend once said.

There was so much wisdom, so much energy, so much strength,

In her face and her voice.

She made me feel uplifted and happy.

She told me I was amazing,

I felt so good.

She told me I should never let anyone bring me down,

And it’s their loss, not mine.

How happy, that made me feel,

Then another friend came back into my life,

I reached out to her as it had been a long time.

Felt like our worlds were different,

We were heading in different directions,

Or so I assume.

I tried not to be so judgemental,

I tried to ignore that voice inside my mind,

Maybe it was my conscience,

Telling me her actions were not quite right.

Though I am trying to be loving and kind,

But sometimes I fail,

As I feel sad when peoples’ lives seem so flawed,

Their decisions, choices, future plans.

But I must continue and live out my own aims,

I have ambitions of my own,

Sometimes people just go down different path,

And there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

It was never my job, my aim or my responsibility to fix these people.

They will live on their own terms.

They pursue what is important to them.

Their path is theirs and mine is mine.

If only the world was different,

But maybe there never was.

It was always good and evil,

Against each other.

It was always a fight.

Is this worth the effort and the time space?

I just don’t know.

A Poem on My Recent Lazy State

Do you have days when you just can’t be bothered?

Where you just lie back and think,

Whilst not being very productive.

It’s not self-analysis or reflection,

It’s just rumination and being lazy.

I feel I should do something more,

I feel guilty,

I’m not doing enough,

Being a good daughter, friend, whatever.

I just want to lie back and look at the stars.

Life is just passing me by,

Whilst I do nothing and be lazy.

So let’s get up,

As each new moment is a new moment.

Forget the past and move forward.

Life is always changing,

We can change too.

We don’t have to remain static.

Everything will be ok.

A Poem After Standing Back from the noise

I can’t be bothered sometimes,

So I just sit and think,

Stare into space and dream, reflect, analyse,

All the things that happened today,

All the people I met,

The encounters I had,

The way I talked, acted, behaved,

A mish-mash of cultures, religions, expectations.

We’re all so different,

But we co-exist.

The world is here for us all to share.

But then we have to go back to our own lives,

Be independent and find a way to make sense of all this chaos,

The noise, the messiness, everything.

It can be tough to live within this world.

But we have to find a way,

A way that aligns with our values,

So we can be at peace and be content.

Ya Allah, please help me make sense of it all,

If I was ever meant to.

A Poem on Embracing or Not Embracing The World

There’s so much variety around us all,

People of different thoughts, views, disciplines, etc.

I thought I had the world all figured out,

I felt on top of it all and like it was all sorted.

But Allah reminded me He was in charge and not me.

If things always went my way,

How would I appreciate that God was the leader and not me.

My plans are flawed but Gods’ plans aren’t.

My thoughts are evolving to keep up with the world.

I was so different, so orthodox, so rigid before.

It prevented me from connecting with the world.

Oh Lord, allow me to connect with what’s around me,

But let me be able to speak the truth,

And convey what is right,

So the world has heard my voice,

I’m concrete and not just some abstract idea.

I exist and my experiences and thoughts matter.

But also, right now my thoughts seem confused.

Did I pursue a fantasy, or am I living one right now?

Ya Allah, lift the fog out of my eyes.

Who am I trying to impress?

You or my nafs?

As you are soo much more worthy,

But my weak nafs just wants to take charge.

It wants to be at the centre of each and every one of my decisions.

I feel like just existing alone at times,

But no, I want people to adore and love all the time.

To be accepted and to feel whole.

I don’t know how to proceed,

So maybe I should just go with the flow?

You know just submit all of my control,

Over to you Oh Lord, as you’re the boss.

Do I continue to judge myself so harshly?

Or shall I just accept that this is the world I’m in –

And I have to accept it the way it is.

Everyone is struggling with one dimension or other,

So it’s not just me,

The world will be ok inshaAllah.

A poem on an annoying person

Rejection, it hurts.

When you offer your love, affection, joy, approval-

But have it thrown back at you,

It sucks.

It’s how I care for people,

It’s just the way it is.

All people are different,

And you’re different to me.

Why should I compare myself with you?

As we’re two different humans,

With two sets of standards.

Who gets to decide what is right or wrong?

What is acceptable or not just differs between people,

And I won’t be bossed around.

You’re insecure, that’s for sure.

You see yourself as different,

And sense that others see you that way too.

The world is too challenging a place to navigate,

To convince people that you’re correct and not them,

And it can frustrate them that you try so hard and just don’t give up.

Just allow the world to be,

That’s all I want to say.

People have different ways,

And there’s no set standard of behaviour.

Not everything will make sense to you,

That’s just the way it goes.

We lead two different paths-

You just gotta figure it out.

Life is like a maze and we all have to be comfortable.

It can probably be more difficult for you,

As you see yourself as different.

This is your challenge to sift through,

I don’t know, you’re too difficult to converse with,

Our interactions don’t flow,

We’re not in agreement,

There’s just no rapport.

Whatever, cos I don’t really care.

You’re lovely and kind,

But your temperament is sometimes,

Just not very up my street.

Our interactions can sometimes be uncomfortable.

You can be a little too full on and scary for me.

So I’m going to stand back,

And maintain some level of boundary.

My life is my life,

And yours is yours.

We walk two different paths,

And that’s just the way it goes.

A poem on a recent uncomfortable encounter

We live two different lives,

Your views differ to mine,

And we might not always be able to align them.

You question things so much,

So of course it makes sense why,

You feel so troubled.

I find it difficult to communicate with you,

I don’t want to be grilled this hard.

I know you see it as uncovering the truth,

But I find it intimidating and uncomfortable.

Please leave me alone,

I sometimes ask why I even bother.

If things are always going to be like this,

Then I’ll just leave it alone.

We all have our issues – different ones at that.

So let’s leave it at that.

And go home and live our lives.

A Poem On Belief and Faith

Every human wants,

An object or person to love,

To adore and to cherish,

And to devote their attentions to.

But all objects will perish,

And all that will be left are ideas,

Thoughts our minds will cling onto,

Or hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow.

The best ones are those who chase meaning and purpose,

Not in fading things but ones that are strong and secure,

So when our world crumbles,

There are ideas that stay firm and rooted.

Everyone has a faith,

Whether they choose to acknowledge it or not.

The best faith is islam as it teaches the truth,

It explains the why and the how,

It’s a clear message from the Creator of the world.

So pick the best message and live with that peace.

Carry paradise in your pocket,

And distance yourself from hell.

Oh, it can be mighty hard,

But terribly worth it, i must insist.

This lesson’s for me too,

I struggle every day,

To be the best version of me,

And to push myself hard,

When I’d much rather stay in bed and lie down,

Be passive and watch the world go by.

But if it’s success I want,

This is clearly no approach.

I have to take charge and be a boss.

That’s the only way things will work,

And if I turn to Allah every day,

And pray that He keeps me firm on this path,

When the world just wants to steer me away.

It’s so hard to live a meaningful life,

When people want to strip you away of your questioning soul and existence.

Human greed and desires drive our actions,

But we must get on top of that,

And extinguish our vices.

Be brave and strong,

And rise above these weaknesses.

Allah is the greatest,

And He can see our every struggle.

Keep connecting with Him,

And inshaAllah everything will be smooth.

A Poem on My Current State

I’m drifting further and further.

I feel like I’m not me anymore.

My conscience is shrinking,

And I’m less aware of it there.

I feel guilty that I’ve made these mistakes,

I feel like a failure and weak,

And I’m judging myself too.

This pursuit of happiness and pleasure biz,

Has taken over my life.

I have this absurd notion,

That we should be happy all the time.

Society promotes pleasure and shows us happy people everywhere.

So that I become jealous,

And I want that too.

I’m longing for the dunya,

For bliss, ease, passion and love.

As my mind and body thinks,

That’s what is most important.

I have pain in my back,

And feel tired all the time.

What is this life?

When uni has taken over everything.

And I keep on longing for one thing,

And fantasizing about being with him,

When the truth is I don’t even know,

Who the hell he is or what he’s about.

Whether he’s good or whether he’s bad.

I’ve just taken a few good traits and built,

A mountain from the ground.

But a mountain needs strong foundations,

And the one building it should be strong.

As the mountain represents my life,

And it needs to be a good one,

As we only get one shot.

So this is the chance to prove to my Lord,

That I succeeded at life and I did my best.

I pursued what was valuable,

And the deen sufficed for me.

I wonder if he’ll forgive all those times I slipped.

I hope so or else I’m doomed,

Doomed to the valley of despair.

I don’t want to end up there,

And if I do, i well and truly deserved it,

As God knows best,

And I want to impress,

The one above all the rest!

A poem on being mindful

It’s ok to feel lonely or sad,

Or annoyed or stressed.

I feel a multitude of things right now,

And I don’t know why.

Rest little mind, rest.

The body is precious,

And we need its’ help.

If every moment turns into fight or flight,

Then we weaken our spirits,

Lose energy and become ill.

Instead be mindful,

Whatever we think or feel is not us.

They’re just little bubbles floating around inside us.

They can pop and disintegrate,

As long as we just let go of them.

But sometimes we’ll struggle and that’s ok.

We’re human and we get lost sometimes.

It’s a hard life,

But as long as we practice,

We can get better and stronger.

We can become gentle and kind to ourselves,

And tell ourselves that it will be ok.

God is merciful, so why am I so harsh?

Let me use my breath as an anchor,

To be here right now.

I’m an important being with dignity and presence.

I am a creature of God and I will try to live a good life.

I’m human and I’ll fall sometimes,

But that’s totally ok.

As long as I turn back to Him,

And be true to my faith and beliefs.

The world is happening around me,

And I can either stay fixed in one place,

Or go with the flow,

As long as I come back home,

And be kind to myself.

That special place where no-one can disturb me but me.

So hello home, I’m here to be here.

I’ll relax and do what I need to,

To be true to my spirit and essence.

And so I make the mindful attention to move and grow.

As every new moment is growth,

And things will happen.

It’s ok to not want to do anything,

It’s ok and everything will be ok 🙂