A poem on a recent uncomfortable encounter

We live two different lives,

Your views differ to mine,

And we might not always be able to align them.

You question things so much,

So of course it makes sense why,

You feel so troubled.

I find it difficult to communicate with you,

I don’t want to be grilled this hard.

I know you see it as uncovering the truth,

But I find it intimidating and uncomfortable.

Please leave me alone,

I sometimes ask why I even bother.

If things are always going to be like this,

Then I’ll just leave it alone.

We all have our issues – different ones at that.

So let’s leave it at that.

And go home and live our lives.

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A Poem On Belief and Faith

Every human wants,

An object or person to love,

To adore and to cherish,

And to devote their attentions to.

But all objects will perish,

And all that will be left are ideas,

Thoughts our minds will cling onto,

Or hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow.

The best ones are those who chase meaning and purpose,

Not in fading things but ones that are strong and secure,

So when our world crumbles,

There are ideas that stay firm and rooted.

Everyone has a faith,

Whether they choose to acknowledge it or not.

The best faith is islam as it teaches the truth,

It explains the why and the how,

It’s a clear message from the Creator of the world.

So pick the best message and live with that peace.

Carry paradise in your pocket,

And distance yourself from hell.

Oh, it can be mighty hard,

But terribly worth it, i must insist.

This lesson’s for me too,

I struggle every day,

To be the best version of me,

And to push myself hard,

When I’d much rather stay in bed and lie down,

Be passive and watch the world go by.

But if it’s success I want,

This is clearly no approach.

I have to take charge and be a boss.

That’s the only way things will work,

And if I turn to Allah every day,

And pray that He keeps me firm on this path,

When the world just wants to steer me away.

It’s so hard to live a meaningful life,

When people want to strip you away of your questioning soul and existence.

Human greed and desires drive our actions,

But we must get on top of that,

And extinguish our vices.

Be brave and strong,

And rise above these weaknesses.

Allah is the greatest,

And He can see our every struggle.

Keep connecting with Him,

And inshaAllah everything will be smooth.

A Poem on My Current State

I’m drifting further and further.

I feel like I’m not me anymore.

My conscience is shrinking,

And I’m less aware of it there.

I feel guilty that I’ve made these mistakes,

I feel like a failure and weak,

And I’m judging myself too.

This pursuit of happiness and pleasure biz,

Has taken over my life.

I have this absurd notion,

That we should be happy all the time.

Society promotes pleasure and shows us happy people everywhere.

So that I become jealous,

And I want that too.

I’m longing for the dunya,

For bliss, ease, passion and love.

As my mind and body thinks,

That’s what is most important.

I have pain in my back,

And feel tired all the time.

What is this life?

When uni has taken over everything.

And I keep on longing for one thing,

And fantasizing about being with him,

When the truth is I don’t even know,

Who the hell he is or what he’s about.

Whether he’s good or whether he’s bad.

I’ve just taken a few good traits and built,

A mountain from the ground.

But a mountain needs strong foundations,

And the one building it should be strong.

As the mountain represents my life,

And it needs to be a good one,

As we only get one shot.

So this is the chance to prove to my Lord,

That I succeeded at life and I did my best.

I pursued what was valuable,

And the deen sufficed for me.

I wonder if he’ll forgive all those times I slipped.

I hope so or else I’m doomed,

Doomed to the valley of despair.

I don’t want to end up there,

And if I do, i well and truly deserved it,

As God knows best,

And I want to impress,

The one above all the rest!

A poem on being mindful

It’s ok to feel lonely or sad,

Or annoyed or stressed.

I feel a multitude of things right now,

And I don’t know why.

Rest little mind, rest.

The body is precious,

And we need its’ help.

If every moment turns into fight or flight,

Then we weaken our spirits,

Lose energy and become ill.

Instead be mindful,

Whatever we think or feel is not us.

They’re just little bubbles floating around inside us.

They can pop and disintegrate,

As long as we just let go of them.

But sometimes we’ll struggle and that’s ok.

We’re human and we get lost sometimes.

It’s a hard life,

But as long as we practice,

We can get better and stronger.

We can become gentle and kind to ourselves,

And tell ourselves that it will be ok.

God is merciful, so why am I so harsh?

Let me use my breath as an anchor,

To be here right now.

I’m an important being with dignity and presence.

I am a creature of God and I will try to live a good life.

I’m human and I’ll fall sometimes,

But that’s totally ok.

As long as I turn back to Him,

And be true to my faith and beliefs.

The world is happening around me,

And I can either stay fixed in one place,

Or go with the flow,

As long as I come back home,

And be kind to myself.

That special place where no-one can disturb me but me.

So hello home, I’m here to be here.

I’ll relax and do what I need to,

To be true to my spirit and essence.

And so I make the mindful attention to move and grow.

As every new moment is growth,

And things will happen.

It’s ok to not want to do anything,

It’s ok and everything will be ok 🙂

My introverted Struggles

I just feel that recently I have been drifting further and further away from the deen. I’m not as proactive with praying my salah on time, i’m missing quite a few. I’m not reading the Qur’an as much as I used to but instead I feel this urge to integrate with the dunya, to make the most out of it, to build connections and to be seen as a good student so that doctors are more willing to teach me.

I never realised how importance social skills were. I thought that I was a good communicator, but the truth is, I can become so much better at it. There are times in life where we will need to have challenging discussions or negotiate problems with people who have different aims and interests to you. Even the best of communicators are bound to find these things difficult.

I am quite introverted. After spending a whole day of being in hospital, having to talk to lots of people – patients, my consultant, the other doctors in the team, nurses, HCAs, other students I might bump into – I usually go home feeling quite drained at the end of the day, not wanting to do any work. I’m not a fan of noisy environments either. I prefer to study and learn in quiet environments. It allows me to concentrate.

Recently I have been trying to learn more about how I can be more extroverted to make the most of my environment without compromising too much on my need for occasional solitude. I learnt when I was quite young that the ones who are most successful or are liked are the ones who are louder and more confident. So I tried to be that way. But every now and again, I get lazy and stop trying to be extroverted and retreat back into my shell like a tortoise.

My reading has taught me extroverts are usually more happy because they engage with people more. It has also taught me that it is ok to step out of my personality (in a chameleon like fashion) if it is in the pursuit of work that I love and feel passionate about. My desire is to be a better doctor and engage better with the people around me, so it is ok to adapt myself, my demeanour, smile more, be more friendly, charismatic, humorous, etc to make my patients and colleagues happy. As long as I do this with good intentions and then step back into my personality to enable myself to have that me-time that I need to recuperate.

I feel like I have been spending more of my time utilising the knowledge and expertise of these secular social scientists and psychologists who are more in tune with how the world functions today, rather than reading about the prophets, companions and scholars of the past, which is different to how I was previously. I sometimes feel that when I delve into the lives of the pious, I can’t really relate to it much and I feel like I can’t even act in that virtuous way within this society I live in where virtues are not valued and it is more about personality. 

Or if I ever do act more virtuous, I find myself not being able to be fully present in the environment around me because I’ll just constantly be judging others and judging myself for being around people who act in this way, when in fact, it probably isn’t really my fault. 

Turning to non-religious people for advice does make me feel guilty in some sort of way. I have put this expectation on myself that all the answers to my struggles should be in islamic literature. I feel I need to make some sort of deal with myself – that sometimes I will have to look at the work of non-religious people who have a greater insight into the world we are living in today. These people can provide better advice on how I can connect with the world around me. And I need to connect with the world around me, in order to make some meaningful differences to the world. So it’s ok to do that, as long as I do not compromise on what is halal and haram (permissible and non permissible). 

I can make my intention that I want to connect with the people around me for the sake of dawah, to show them that islam is the truth through my actions, my manners, my calm temperament, politeness and my virtues. I can make my intentions so that it is all for Allah’s sake and maybe I can even be rewarded for it inshaAllah.

Love, again, sigh

I think I’ve fallen in love again but this time it’s different. It’s less intense and I’m more accepting of my feelings. I’m not trying to force them away. I just kinda, sorta like them and I want it to stay. I want him to stay in my life.

He seems so kind and thoughtful. However, I recognize that I don’t really know a great deal about him, but just that I feel happy around him and he has nice traits. I’m just going to see how things go, try to be myself, not force anything and allow nature to just play its part. 

I don’t know where the road will take me. This is just so unexpected and I didn’t want this to happen, but it did. It might lead to something special or it might not. I just need to wait and see.

Allah has already decided our rizq. That is for certain. It’s not for me to compromise on my deen in order to pursue something that might not even be meant for me.

There’s so much temptation everywhere. His good qualities and this sort of professional protectiveness yes laidbackness is what I find attractive, as well as his manners. 

A Poem on My Current Feelings

I just feel like an absolute fool,

What was the point of even trying-

But I had nothing to lose.

I acted upon advice

Thought I was being proactive,

But it’s just seen as being reactive.

I did what I was told,

I followed like sheep,

But really the outcome seemed,

Not quite what I wanted it to be.

Did I take it too personally,

Or should I have waited?

I don’t know maybe i’m too brash,

I was trying to be different-

What the hell did he mean?

Ok, i can’t dig too deep,

It’ll hurt me to analyse.

It’ll just be like last time,

As my mind doesn’t quite know what it wants to know.

Only God is in charge,

And He knows what resides within human hearts.

I am pushing myself-

Gotta be positive,

It’s about striking a balance,

That’s what he said.

You can’t guess peoples’ intentions-

Just take it at face value.

Humans can be heartless,

Words can have a hundred different meanings and intonations.

That’s why conflict and discord occurs,

Misunderstandings happen as people don’t always concur

But hey, this is for learning,

And one day I can be better at negotiating,

If only I can try.

I’m not naturally assertive,

But maybe it has to be.

This is the world we live in,

And in order to make changes to lives,

I have to coexist peacefully and join with others to some degree.

As frustrating as it is,

It’s for the greater good,

And God will change things,

So this is how it has to be.

But let’s get one thing straight,

I gotta put my Lord first,

Cos if I lose that then I’ve just lost it all.

There’d be no point having anything else,

It’ll just all be a waste,

Absolutely, i have to agree.

I’ll just regret not doing all I needed to,

So this is a chance,

To be something more,

To make a stance,

And be bold for all.

Reflections on My Flaws

I don’t want to confront my flaws and I wonder, is that even the best way, to confront them? To stand in front of them and be like “hello flaw, move the hell out of the way, I am here to overcome you.” Or what if I just let it linger there in the background and just allow things to be? Go along with the status quo, as harsh as it may be?

Am I being reactive and blaming problems on the world? Or should I just be like, “ok, here I am in this situation. It’s not the best place I want to be right now. But I have no control over the people I have to interact with. I need to find a way to adapt my personality so that it interacts with the people I have to interact with in a better way.” 

It’s not nice to have to be around doctors you don’t want to be around, but you have to. This is life and in the general world of work, there will be people who you don’t get along with. You can either try to run away from the situation but this will mean that you won’t develop as a person. Or, you can find a way to change yourself and transform yourself so that you do your job better and are learning well and effectively. 

I am sensitive and I take things personally. When I am around people who are impolite or who don’t really seem to value you, it irritates me, and I can’t shrug off this irritation. I wish I could be stronger and develop more grit inshaAllah, so that I can be like steel and whatever is chucked at me, it can just bounce off.

Maybe it’s true, that around some types of doctors or men, you need to be more assertive and tell them what you want and need. Because it is your own responsibility. No-one else cares about you. Of course, in an ideal world there needs to be a balance between effort but it might not always work like that. You can’t always end up being angry at those who aren’t pulling their weight. That’s just them and the way they are. They can’t change and they may not want to change. They may just want to be good enough and not excellent.

Not everyone lives their life the way I do and often I get disappointed at people for acting in ways I believe to be wrong. I see a world that behaves in a way that doesn’t seem to conform with the way I perceive the world to be. 

The world isn’t going to lay a red carpet out in front of me or hand me the crown jewels. If I want treasure, I’m going to have to find a way to get it myself. The road is so harsh and so brutal. People just care about themselves.

But I must not be too unfair because as I write this, I am reminded of the kind and the compassionate. Those who do stretch their arms out and try to assist you in becoming a better doctor. There is one in particular I am thinking of, who tries to turn each moment into a learning opportunity, who looks out for me, who is willing to cover for me, who engages with me and makes me feel welcomed. 

There is another I met today, who would give me a lot of positive feedback and I appreciated that. He gave me a task of speaking to a patient and told me to present it back to him. He then allowed me to clerk in a patient and put a cannula into him. He was enthusiastic about teaching and that is what I valued.

So yes, for every unpleasant or apathetic person you meet there can be so many others who are lovely and kind. Why is it that the negative, lowly ones stick in our minds and dampen our spirits. 

I must keep smiling at the world and trying to get along with it. It’s ok if the world chucks something at me. I can try to let it slide off me. 

Every day is a new day and I must be bold and brave in how I approach new experiences. Yes, it can be scary and daunting but that’s where growth happens. 

I can just accept my flaws and be like “this is my personality, i can’t change” but that could just be an excuse to not want to put the effort in to change or try something different or be a different person.

It’s challenging but this is where growth happens, out of our comfort zones.

A poem on difficult people

I long for a world,

Where people aren’t screwed over,

Where people are kind, compassionate,

And honest and true.

Though maybe this is life,

And we’re just stuck in a world,

Where people differ,

So conflicts will arise,

As people don’t match up.

There will be clashes,

Chalk against cheese.

People just communicate differently,

They can’t help it,

It’s just the way our brains are wired.

So maybe peaceful coexistence,

Is just a far-fetched fantasy,

As there is anger and rage,

Rebellion and disgust,

And sometimes…rightly so.

But all actions have effects,

People get hurt, destruction is caused.

It’s a sad life as wherever you go,

Turmoil’s around.

We just have to do our best,

To live the best way we can,

Serve God in the most noble way,

So we can reap rewards at the end of the day.

A Poem on Pushing Myself towards Growth

Some days I have no drive.

I wish to sit around and do nowt else.

Be lazy, slouch around on a coach and dream,

Dream of made-up situations in my mind.

But even this begins to get grim,

As my mind and body crave something more,

Some life, some action, something better than this all.

So I have to muster up the strength,

To move, to get going, to do something with my life.

The first step starts with me,

To make the intention and propel myself up,

Right onto my feet.

Big dreams have to start off small.

They start with the little steps we take every day. 

However minor, they can evolve into something big,

But only if we’re willing to move our feet,

To engage our senses,

And lift off into the world.

Retreating into my mind is where my comfort zone thrives,

But the world around me is where development occurs,

Through engagement, connections and delivering one’s passion all around.

So the world sees that you’re a human,

You’re special with a drive,

So they send you opportunities,

And within it you can thrive,

Make mistakes but at least you tried,

You fell but picked yourself up,

That’s the only way you learn.

Not staying static and scared.

Because life is there for us to use.