A poem on my parents and my dreams

You raised me from birth,

And so I ask myself,

How much do I owe you,

If I owe you at all?

I feel sad for you,

That you raised me and then we leave.

What was the point in investing so much into us,

If you receive nothing in return.

I’m a negligent daughter and I’m soo soo sorry,

For not being present

And not being able to help you.

I have my dreams too,

And they’re big ones.

My dreams are bigger than what you might want to allow.

Please understand I have strong passions and desires.

I can’t live a life where I’m living for someone else.

Life is too precious,

My aims are too strong.

I feel like doing something greater,

To serve God and the rest of mankind.

I wish you’d make it easier,

For me to live this life.

You’ll earn so much reward,

If you were just prepared to let me go.

It’s all for Gods’ sake,

As our lives are worth so much more.

We need to be bold with it,

Instead of sitting back doing nothing at all.

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A poem on my frustrations with the NHS

I feel sad we are part of a profession,

That doesn’t look after us.

That doesn’t care about our wellbeing,

And how we live and exist.

We serve humanity,

It’s our passion to do so,

But please treat us with dignity,

As we’re human too and have basic needs.

We want to be healthy,

So we can serve you better.

Tired doctors make crap ones too.

The situation sucks and I just wonder,

If I expected too much from life,

As this life seems full of hardship,

And I seem to be being tested everyday.

But we need a break,

Or else we will crack.

We’re human and not designed to go on like this.

So I’m making a stand and I’m going to say,

That my health comes first,

And that message is here to stay.

A to E assessment, they’ll always first say,

Look around and see if it’s safe to approach,

Any danger or harm in sight,

Then you attend to the patient,

So put your own needs first sometimes,

Especially when it comes to health.

This life of ours is crucial,

So please make sure it’s looked after and it’s safe.

A poem on love gripping you

Love is blind,

It just takes over.

One minute you’re there, oblivious to all else,

Then it’s just gripped you.

It comes from behind,

Taps you on the shoulder,

You turn around,

And there is love,

Wanting to grip you in.

I’m not going to fight against it,

That energy could be used for something better instead.

I feel tired, drained and incredibly hormonal.

God sends trials our way.

Sometimes you want things you just can’t have.

You want to feel all lovely and cared for,

But meh, it’s all over-rated.

Love comes and goes,

It’s fleeting like all other emotions.

Soak in it while it’s there,

But then it will dry up,

Like puddles on the floor.

Ya Allah grant me ease,

And make me feel better.

A Poem on Wanting to Find Love

I think I quite like you,

Or maybe I just like the idea of liking you,

The possibility of excitement, adventure and so much more.

I like the fact you make an effort,

And that you involve me,

And you don’t just sit around,

And do nothing.

I feel like you’re good at your job,

And you seem responsible.

You’re well-mannered and not over-friendly.

But I’m being too dreamy,

As it won’t work.

I’m just loving the idea of it,

And know there’s not much more.

If only this dunya was as we saw it,

But our aim is so much greater.

We’re meant to sacrifice what we love,

For Allah and the life after.

It’ll be ok I think to myself.

God will grant me good things.

He’s promised us this.

You’re just an illusion,

Here to distract me.

I’ll try to stand tall,

And rise above it all,

As life is worth so much more.

You’re probably not even that great.

I bet you have tonnes of flaws,

But you’re just there and I love the possibility,

And so I entertain this idea more.

Oh Lord, please help me,

Shaytan is tempting me,

He’s luring me into this trap,

When my iman just feels so weak.

It all happens for a reason,

To help me to develop and grow.

Who knows what will come out of this,

I just have to leave it to Allah and let go.

A poem on the wives of the prophet (pbuh)

The wives of the prophet,

They were the best.

I want to know more about them,

And how they lived their lives.

One was a businesswoman.

One led an army.

I don’t know too much about the others,

Just that they were the best of all women.

So maybe I should take a peek inside their lives,

And see what they did,

How they applied the Qur’an to their lives,

And how they lived.

What did honour mean to them?

What was integrity and piety?

How can I apply those attributes,

To my own very self?

I life in a world so corrupt,

And I struggle to belong to it.

InshaAllah things will improve,

And Allah will grant victory.

A Poem on Wanting To Start Again

Oh Lord, I screwed up pretty hard.

I missed prayers left, right and centre,

And the dunya sucked me in.

I felt stressed, despondent and frustrated,

When the world wasn’t going my way,

So I turned to sinning instead,

Thought it would bring me pleasure instead of pain.

Yes the pleasure lasted a moment,

But then I was filled with guilt,

I felt utterly rubbish and worthless,

Felt like I was full of crap.

Then I struggled to recover,

And get up and pray,

When I have the rest of the day to make up,

But here I choose to stay.

It’s the shaytan that’s making me feel this way,

He turns me away from you,

He lures me into this dunya,

Providing a false sense of ease.

But once I fall into his trap,

I realise he lied.

My actions were worthless and made me feel ill.

Oh Lord, please accept me back to you,

Allow me to move on,

Cos right now I feel stuck and hopeless,

I have no desire to leave.

My motivation is at an all-time low,

And I feel utterly embarassed and small.

Please lift me up from this misery,

As I have no idea when life will end.

You sent me into this world,

And I have failed to be a good slave,

I have failed to serve you in the way I should have,

And now I just feel utterly small.

But I know I have a chance to recover,

If you’ll just accept me at all.

Please oh Lord, i want to win,

But I’m just so full of rubbish.

I don’t feel like I deserve any good,

And I don’t know what to do.

I’m just stuck inside this head of mine,

And I can’t control myself.

I want to curl into a shell,

And never get up.

But I know deep down that this life is a trial,

I need to further my aims and stand tall in face of it all.

This world is full of bullies, tyrants and oppressors,

Who do whatever they want,

Not taking their roles seriously,

Or being just in the capacity they’re in.

Or maybe I’m being too harsh,

As I just see the world through my eyes.

It’s an interconnected world we live in,

And my aims might not fit with theirs.

We all have our own agendas,

And so that can be difficult to reconcile.

So here I am Oh Lord,

I want to start again,

I want to forget this last week happened,

And just make a fresh start instead.

A poem on letting go of my ego and forgiving

Stuff happens, people hurt you,

And you get messed around.

But the test is to remain patient,

By hating their actions,

And staying calm and serene.

It’s easy to be vicious, to attack and be ready for revenge,

But what’s the point, as revenge hurts itself,

The effort you put in,

May be much better directed,

To something better instead.

Allah is merciful and He teaches the believers to be too.

It’s easier on the soul and body,

To accept Allah’s decree and move on.

Revenge isn’t worth it and neither are grudges,

You only hurt yourself so it’s better to move on,

To accept that things happened,

But if you focus on the wound,

The pain just gets bigger and bigger,

When all that time you could have focussed that attention,

On things that were richer and better.

Oh life is tough,

Full of pain and blame.

But once we become responsible,

And turn away then we can put our hopes and faith in God instead.

All things are from Him,

Even the seemingly good and bad.

What right do we have to judge Him,

When He knows of what’s good for us.

I’m just a broken being,

With no power and might.

I’m a creature of God,

And all power comes from Him.

So let me stand far back,

And leave it to Him,

For He will save me,

From all that is grim.

He promises beauty and bliss,

For those who are sincere in their belief,

For those who are pious and committed,

And try not to give in.

But we all have flaws,

And the dunya makes us think,

That our own little minds and bodies

Are worth all that we think.

But I must get away from this arrogant thinking and completely submit,

My heart all over to Him,

And that’s the only way I’ll win.

A Poem on how I’m feeling today

It’s a cold, damp, despirited day.

It’s autumn and the feeling is miserable,

And I don’t quite know what to say.

There’s so much in my life-

Family, medicine, spirituality and so much more,

But sometimes I just want to curl up into a shell,

And not do much else.

Resting is good,

It clears up one’s psyche,

But then there’s that monster,

Telling me to do so much more.

I’ll do what I can,

And whatever I want.

I need to be kind to my feelings,

And accept that I’m human with flaws.

I’m not in control cos that’s God’s job,

But I should try to plan well,

And set goals,

But same time bearing in mind,

That God’s plan is the best.

I’ve had a tough week,

But it’s cool as things will improve,

All pain is temporary,

After hardship there’s ease.

The best people are those who make sacrifices,

Who strive and put in effort,

At times, at the expense of their health and themselves.

So sometimes it’s good to stand back,

And examine one’s life,

To check to see what is important,

And realign their priorities,

With what happens in their life.

I have my own values,

And there are people who care for me,

Who do so much more for me,

Than I do for them.

I have responsibilities.

The people in my life have been entrusted to me,

They’re Gods’ gift to me,

And I must treat them with care.

To value them and honor them,

And raise them up to the highest degree,

To look after them,

And make them feel loved,

As they do for me,

But I don’t appreciate them enough.

Oh Allah, please forgive me,

The world is tough,

And sometimes my eyes become cloudy,

And a curtain is placed over them.

But I need to move it aside and be real,

And see life for what it truly is,

A grim and harsh reality,

And not the fun and games,

That people pretend it is.

A poem on doctors that can’t teach

The world goes on around me,

And sometimes I retreat into my cave,

The chamber that lies within my cerebral cavity,

A place of comfort and quite often ease.

Though sometimes I resist,

And try to engage with what is there.

Life is full of surprises,

And sometimes I even surprise myself.

Don’t be happy to stay static,

Be fluid and adapt with ease,

Since people differ and these differences are important,

For the world to sustain variety and have creatures with different skills.

There are some people who I’ll enjoy more to be with,

And it’s lovely to have them there,

To feel accepted and to know they care.

They’ve been in your shoes.

They have empathy and they connect with you.

But then there are others who are just there,

They work like clocks and keep going round and round,

Or like conveyor belts, not thinking, just doing.

They’re good at what they do,

And they reduce some of the pain,

They do make a difference,

So I can’t say they’re entirely at fault.

But I just wish they would open their hearts,

Or maybe they just can’t,

So I’ll just stand there in the meantime,

Trying to extract what I can.

I need to carve my own path,

As it’s only me by myself.

I can’t blame anyone else,

If my own world falls apart.

But it’s ok as things will just be,

I’m just one simple piece of a big, gigantic puzzle,

But every piece matters,

So if only you would understand,

That it’s your responsibility,

To do what you can,

To make me a better doctor,

So that I can carry on and be strong.

A not so pleasant orthopaedic day

So I feel really annoyed and dejected today after a kinda crappy day on the wards. I just wanted to pour my emotions out about it.

My consultant just doesn’t seem to engage with me at all. He speaks so fast, I don’t even realise what he’s saying some times. And sometimes if I miss it when he’s asked me to do something, and I don’t do it, then I fear that it may be making me look like I’m not listening or like I’m just staring into space.

I feel kinda annoyed at myself too. Maybe I was just really tired as I’ve been going in super early each day, not really having a proper breakfast. I haven’t taken my meds for 2 days either, plus I don’t find orthopaedics too interesting. On top of that, I just find the environment quite depressing. 

So yeah, I just wanted to say that! And I don’t even feel like going in tomorrow either! It just feels like I’m burning out, exhausted, super tired, no direction and no engagement from those who are supposed to help you.

There were some nice junior docs I met the day before though. I’m hoping that this was probably just a bad day inshaAllah. But my consultant really is a poor teacher! He doesn’t communicate very well and he expected me to know how to hold instruments in theatre which I wasn’t used to holding. It was the final patient of the day so maybe he was just dying to get home and the operation delayed it.

But anyway, maybe I am taking this way too personally and completely misinterpreted this! 

Tomorrow is another day inshaAllah!