Trying to Repair My Heart

It’s nice to get away from my usual surroundings, to see different people, different buildings and different sights. It’s nice to also be staying somewhere that is pretty, Alhamdulillah.

But the thing that is stopping me from enjoying my trip is my mind and my thoughts. I keep on thinking negatively. My mind keeps on making up negative scenarios inside my head to explain what is happening in my life and I keep on imagining negative future scenarios. I picture these things in my mind and I definitely feel pretty grim too.

I haven’t been so good at reciting my adhkar lately so maybe I am being affected by the wiswas of the shaytan a lot more. I need to fight it. I can’t allow him to plant negative thoughts in my mind about other believers, especially the really good ones – the ones that I value. Yes, they have flaws and yes they have made some mistakes which had very hurtful effects on me. However, Allah is merciful and I should feel that mercy towards other believers if I want Allah to show mercy to me. 

The past happened and I can’t change it. I can’t explain it either. Maybe I just need to accept that I won’t understand many things in life, especially when it comes to the behaviour of others. Sometimes people don’t even know why they do things. They simply just react unconsciously in the manner that fits for them at that particular time. 

Do people really sit down and ask themselves why they are doing something? Do I do that? Not always. In fact, hardly ever in my day to day routine. There are lots of things I do that are just habits and I do without knowing or understanding the reason for why I do it at the time, like washing my face in the morning or eating something. Yes, I understand the rationale for those things but I just don’t think about the rationale when I do those things.

People are influenced by their emotions and they are not always aware of their own emotions. Others usually are because our emotions might be painted on our faces or might manifest itself in our changed behaviours. 

So maybe I shouldn’t be this harsh on this other believer. She is fragile, just like me. And she was deeply affected by my life. I need to understand that. It affected her so much that she had to turn away. And I am required to respect that.

I miss her terribly. We could chat for ages about things that were important to both of us. We had deep, meaningful conversations where we connected or I felt connected on a much deeper level. It felt like a beautiful friendship and I miss it so much.

I will still continue praying that Allah reunites our hearts again. Our friendship happened once before by the grace of Allah. I hope it repairs itself again inshaAllah.

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