The Ever-Present Grief

What happens when you can’t move on? When you keep on questioning in your mind why things happened? That you keep on looking at your messages and hoping for some sort of feedback or positivity, but you don’t receive it?

It’s sad…very sad 😦 I think about the heart-break every day and I wonder if she thinks about it too. I very much doubt she does as she is stronger than me and maybe she doesn’t hold onto painful feelings like I do. She was the one who initiated the break up so she wasn’t the one to be hurt, she brought about the hurt. She said it was just “irrelevant water under the bridge” for her. That hurted. You make another human being and their life a priority, but you now feel as if you’re just nothing to them.

I can’t let go and Allah knows why. There is too much that can’t be avoided and that we can’t run away from. We can’t run away from our ambitions and the reality of life. Grief is hard to overcome and maybe in many ways it can’t. It feels that some things and some people were so deeply ingrained within your life that the departure of them leaves a hole and leaves you feeling empty. You then search around like a headless chicken for the next best thing to fill that space with, but are never quite satisfied with what you get as you’re still mourning over what you lost.

I will still pray and hope that Allah will fix things. I hope Allah repairs our relationship for His sake. I can’t move on and I don’t want to. However, it isn’t right for me to ruminate about this all the time either.

We are taught that Allah’s plan is the best plan. I wasn’t prepared for this painful break-up and I didn’t plan for it to happen. But I’m required to trust Allah in that it was for the best. When I think about it, yes, I did rely on her too much so maybe I am being taught the hard way how to cope with life on my own, how to turn to Allah (instead of other human beings), how to complain to Allah (instead of other human beings) and how to make my own decisions based on what I think is important rather than what someone else thinks is important.

We had things in common (many things) but there were things we differed on too, like our approaches to life, what we wanted, our thinking patterns and our strategies.

This really must be the time for me to learn true tawaqqul. That Allah is in control of my rizq and I shouldn’t depend too much on my own actions, which I feel I currently do.

I am a lazy human being who wastes too much time thinking and ruminating. It is my comfort zone – I am a thinker. But I need to become more active and extrovert myself. I should get up and about and move around – do things that would be useful inshaAllah. There’s too much procrastination happening now. I can’t be bothered to do a lot. I need to seize the day.

I’m worrying and thinking a lot about things that I can’t really control, so I should start focussing on what I can control but still continue making d’ua for those things that I would like and that I value but can’t have right now for whatever reason.

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