Feeling Rubbish

I just feel so rubbish today which is the opposite of how I felt yesterday. I had an argument with my mum and it has triggered so many other suppressed feelings that haven’t really been dealt with. 

I have strong values and my mother is very argumentative. When I challenge her very fixed beliefs which don’t seem right to her, she gets angry at me and shouts at me, not listening to anything I say which makes me go away feeling quite horrible. It’s really not nice to be spoken to like that. 

It makes me worry about my future and I feel concerned about how my mother is in some ways the gatekeeper for a lot of things in my life, i.e. I usually seek her permission before doing things.

I don’t know how to live my life sometimes. I have this passion to convey what is true and challenge people, but when the reaction is so harsh, I can stay upset at people for so long. A counsellor commented on my thought processes once and she mentioned that I seemed to have been adding more pain on top of the pain I was already dealing with.

And this probably happens because I over-analyse and catastrophise. I ask questions about things but things don’t really make sense to me. That’s what emotions do to you. They are probably not there to be made sense of. They just are what they are. They alert you to the fact that something isn’t right. 

Life is hard and I’m not sure what to do. 

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