My life, islam and nifaaq

Recently I have been writing about my awareness of the fact that I am spending too much time on Medicine and not enough time is being devoted to the other things that are actually in many ways more important than my career – and that is my deen (religion) and my loved ones.

I don’t think I’m living a life that is in line with my values and I am struggling to do so as medicine demands so much from me and I feel like I need to perform well. My prayers are suffering, I don’t recite my daily adhkar like I used to and same with my daily Quran recitation. So things are slipping and I can’t let that happen inshaAllah!

I woke up just before fajr today and I browsed the net aimlessly again (need to stop doing that, but need to find a better replacement). I felt saddened at the news that the lead singer of linkin park had taken his life on the birthday of his close friend who had taken his own life a few months prior to that. I came across a very emotive letter that he had written about a friend and it contained triggers that just set me off a little. I knew I had to do something to fix it, so I prayed and I opened up the Qur’an.

I was on surah al ankaboot and it reminded me that there will be trials in our lives – that is to be expected. It won’t be smooth sailing and Allah already warned the believers about this. He will test us to see and prove which ones of us are upon the truth, as there are some people who believe only based upon their whims and desires, i.e. if islam serves their personal interests/circumstances, they will follow the deen but these people are munaafiqeen (hypocrites). They’re not in it for the sake of Allah. They are in it for the sake of their own nafs. (Ya Allah, please save us from nifaaq/hypocrisy). These are the types of people who rejected islam when it meant that they’d have to give up what was near and dear to them. However, when the people of islam began to prosper, that is when they ran to embrace islam. We should strive to be like the Muslims who embraced islam even during the days when islam was unpopular.

It seems like it would be easy to fall into nifaaq as humans are drawn to things that make them happy and if islam brings them pain and they are struggling with it, there would be a temptation to turn away from it, but the challenge is to hold on. It will be worth it in the end.

Reading the Quran made me feel so much calmer and better. It made me feel reassured as sometimes I feel like I am not worth very much and am not a very good Muslim, but that sometimes makes me turn away from Allah as I feel so bad about myself when it’s the shaytan making me feel this way.

So I just wanted to remind myself, that I need to continue pursuing what is good and what is true. And that needs to start with me consulting and making d’ua to Allah.

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