The Quest for Self Improvement and Change

There’s this sin that I keep on doing. I find it difficult to stop myself. It doesn’t happen all the time, only when I’m bored or feeling rubbish. It makes me feel better but the joy is very short-lasting as I’m left with guilt afterwards and feel even more rubbish. That after-feeling should be a deterrent for me, and I need to remind myself that my abstinence from sinful activity is so that I can have a greater reward with Allah. 

I am definitely being sucked into medicine so I could really do with a break. I find it difficult to strike a balance between wanting to be successful in my career and also preserving my physical and emotional wellbeing. And it is usually the latter that takes a bashing as it is what I compromise on the most.

But I need to remind myself that if I look after my health, then inshaAllah that will benefit my career as well. I can sit down here and list my flaws and can identify what I could do to try and improve but the truth is, I feel quite unmotivated to change. What is the point? What am I doing it for? Who am I doing it for? It is clear that my motivation for medicine has decreased a little bit. I feel I am enjoying it less and it feels like a bit of a chore at times. Which is why I definitely need to start doing things in between to enjoy myself as it is very tempting to just want to pull away from the world and focus on one thing, when in reality, it isn’t that one thing that will grant me the ultimate success and happiness that I crave for.

What am I craving for? That is another question. The answer is probably different to what I should be craving for and that is to earn the pleasure of Allah and attain jannah. But the truth is, often my actions don’t really fit with that model. The struggles are ongoing to become a better me and a better Muslimah inshaAllah.

May Allah make it easy for us all. Ameen.


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