I can’t carry on living the life that I am living at the moment. I need to change inshaAllah. I’m missing prayers left, right and centre. I’m not reading the Qur’an everyday like I used to. I’m being sucked into medicine again and am keeping myself away from my family and friends (but perhaps this is slightly justified as I do have the summer break coming up where I will get to catch up with people inshaAllah). And I am committing some sins during those hours which is leaving me feeling guilty and rubbish about myself…(sigh).
Those are the negatives, so what are the positives? Well, I am able to study every now and again (Alhamdulillah). I have started to cook so am on the path to becoming healthier and eating less processed food and spending less on buying lunch everyday. And I definitely feel more fulfilled when on placement as I am being more active and friendlier with the staff (which goes a long way)
Back to the negatives again – I really think I am wasting a lot of time, but I am in the habit of just being lazy. I will become glued to my phone during those times and look for interesting articles, browse through facebook/linked in/the news for something that catches my eye. It seems I am knowledge hungry but I am not specific in advance about what my aims are or what I am searching for.
The break-up with my best friend made me think that there was something wrong with me so I became a little bit obsessed about trying to figure out what it was. I was reading so many articles on self-improvement and personalities in order to try and make myself into a better person as well as have greater clarity and insight into what is going on with us. But I don’t think that has produced those results for me. Therefore I need to remind myself and I am doing that right now to tell myself that I should stop obsessing over self-help/improvement! Instead, it would be way more productive to make d’ua to Allah first and ask Him to lead me to the best sources for guidance and clarity inshaAllah.
I think I need to do some goal-setting again about what my priorities are and what this means about how I should spend my time during the day. I did do some of this a few months ago but it seems as if I feel lost again so I need to figure it out.
This is quite a confusing point in my life. There has been a lot of change but I am determined to get through it as a stronger and better person inshaAllah. I should beg Allah for help and support and not hinder my relationship with my Creator. That is the most important relationship of my life and that is what I should be the most worried about.