Onwards and Upwards InshaAllah

I saw a good friend of mine today and there were many things she reminded me of today. She is such a happy and bubbly person and eventhough she tells me she has struggles, when she talks about it, it seems like she is keeping it together and is in control. She doesn’t seem like the type to become depressed or have a huge breakdown. She has bursts of unhappiness but she springs back up again. She seemed very wise to me today and she reminded me of a few important lessons.

She told me not to blame myself and that it seems like there were issues that my friend had that they couldn’t deal with. I think I understand why it happened but that doesn’t take the hurt away regarding what she did.

I was reminded that I should continue being a good and kind person to her. I should not allow somebody else to damage my spirits. This analytical mind of mine can be problematic when it comes to emotional situations because I’m always wanting to problem-solve and diagnose what went wrong, when sometimes there really is no clear cut answer – or there probably is but when one party is refusing to share their part of the history, then it is impossible to get to the root of the issue.

I have been noticing that she is more withdrawn and distant from me. I will try to make conversation with her but she will be very brief in her responses. Then I’ll start asking her more questions and she’ll carry on being brief. When now I am coming to realise that maybe I should try to establish a balance. I want to be as nice with her as I am with everyone else so I should make pleasant small talk. However, I’ve realised that I shouldn’t push it and will not expect her to return as much of an interest in me. Hence I will try to pursue different interests around her inshaAllah. At least there will be no expectation from me when I am putting my mind and my skills to other tasks.

I hope with time that everything settles down and we can reach a happy equilibrium with each other. Eventhough I know there were definitely some wrongs committed from her side, that is between her and Allah. I don’t want to be too harsh on her when Allah is merciful and may have already forgiven her. Maybe this is something she repents for, so perhaps her actions have even been turned into good deeds. You can’t know what status a believer has in the eyes of Allah, but from where I am standing, I know that she is more pious than me on many different levels, so perhaps I should just allow this change in attitude and pretend that I never knew her for all those years before. Perhaps we can forge a newer and different relationship that is healthier for each of our temperaments.

Maybe we don’t really bring out the best of each other. My counsellor said that maybe she struggles to be a victim when she needs to be and doesn’t know how to play that victim role because she is used to being a rescuer. Perhaps she will learn. 

I do get upset and jealous sometimes when she treats me differently to how she treats others. I got a little upset today when I saw her being kind to someone but did not make that same offer to me when she could have, especially as I was in such close proximity to her. But hey, maybe she saw I was busy or maybe there was some other valid reason. We are required to make excuses for other believers. It still hurts me when I picture them walking away together.

But tomorrow is a different day inshaAllah and Allah is changing things all the time. He grants us rewards and brings us gifts that appear out of nowhere. Allah sends us things that bring us happiness and joy. He answers our duas and grants us much more than we could ever acknowledge or appreciate. We are never grateful enough.

It’s an ongoing journey and I hope there will be spiritual and personal growth from these painful experiences. I hope that one day we can look back at our experiences when we are in jannah and be willing to go through it all over again to have the bounties of jannah again. It’ll all be worth it. Allah has promised us the end will be good for those who try hard and persevere to be good Muslims.

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