I was betrayed by the world. It promised me happiness, excitement and adventure. I watched tv shows and movies where people looked happy and joyful. They seemed to have the best lives in the world. And so I imagined that world inside my head and felt that that was the ideal world. Those were my expectations of how my life should be, based on what I thought the people I saw on tv and some of my peers around me experienced.
However, I was fooled as people only portray one side of the story. The actors and celebrities I witnessed suffered huge public break-ups, losses in wealth, drug addictions and mental health problems – those weren’t talked about or displayed. And the people around me, well, they had/have struggles of their own which they did not display.
I had this delusion that I should be happy. I saw people laughing and smiling around me, but then I came back to my empty room in my flat – shared with some strangers or people I did not really connect with. I felt lonely and empty.
I’m so bored of this life that I lead. I feel bad saying that because I feel I am meant to cherish what I have and be content. But the truth is, I am not living a life that is in tune with my values. I am trying to please the world around me, to conform, to keep the peace.
I must strive to develop myself, even if this is against my nafs. I have to challenge my fears or else I will not get anywhere. I need to put my desire to please people aside and do what I think will please Allah.
I feel so alone right now. I think of having a spouse, imagining a better life with him, but these things don’t come easily and the reality probably won’t match up with my fantasies anyway.
Instead Allah, please rid me of all the dark/sinful thoughts/feelings within me and allow me to do what is right to save my soul and for the good of the society around me.
I’m just numbing myself with food, movies, tv and work again. This isn’t the life I ought to be living. I make excuses to myself and say I have no choice. But the truth is, I’ve always had a choice and I still do but my fears and my need to conform stop me from moving forward. I feel stuck.
I need to do what I can to be unstuck inshaAllah. It’s not going to be easy. I can’t fool myself into thinking so. Or maybe thinking that way makes it easier.
Ya Allah, please help me and grant me your support and assistance. You gifted me but I felt unable to bear that gift and I feel so bad about it. I feel like I have left your path so please bring me back to it, Ameen.