I am so deeply honoured to be where I am today. Some days I have felt sad and have mourned the things I have lost but other days I feel happy at what I have gained. Yes, the sadness and sorrow is greater than the joy often but I will have to continue praying that Allah grants me contentment.
Life can’t go back to the way it was before. Things change, people change and that is sad when you haven’t let go of the past and you are still holding on to the things you loved. She is different today to how she was with me before. She is smiley, happy and jokey with others but serious and sombre around me but perhaps that says more about my personality. Maybe I should just accept that is just the way I am. It is neither a good nor a bad thing. It’s just part of my temperament, I guess. Sometimes people like it as it means they can talk to me about serious things they can’t tell their other friends about and that is an honour I feel. I feel privileged to be able to share those moments with people and be able to assist in some way by listening to them, comforting them or trying to give some sort of advice. So no, I shouldn’t hate myself because eventhough I realise I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I hope those who enjoy my type of tea find me useful and beneficial to their lives in some sort of way.
I think I will still pray for closure one day. Maybe it will be better to do it once we have finished medical school and are preparing to walk down two different paths. Maybe it will feel more natural then as we both might want to do it.
I miss her. There were so many things we could talk about. I would feel comfortable telling her things I told no-one else. I could be real around her. She was unique and eventhough I meet other people who are nice in different ways, they’re not that friend. They can’t be who she was to me.
And that is sad. I hope that time can heal things inshaAllah.