Colicky Memories

I never did anything to actively hurt her but she turned away. She did not provide enough of an explanation – saying she did not want to open a can of worms. She said she could not handle talking about emotional topics. I guess that’s different for me as I prefer to talk about things, lay it all out there so we can work through things – but she thinks there are things that can’t be resolved. What that shows me is that she was in charge. She is the one that took control of the situation and I feel she is the one that has the hidden information that could make or break our friendship.

I wish she would tell me how she felt. Perhaps she doesn’t know or hasn’t worked through things yet. She says she just wants to live a normal life, without any drama and wants to preserve her sanity. She found our friendship difficult and intense. Maybe she is trying to spare my feelings by not telling me what she really thinks of me, which I am inclined to think, not very much.

It makes me wonder when I see her so happy around everyone else, was I a heavy weight that dragged her down? But she picked up that weight too and took it upon her shoulders when she didn’t need to, but she did, out of duty, friendship and kindness. Maybe I would not have got so closely involved with another and would have chosen to just live my own life, save my own self, like I usually do.

Allah has given me a second chance at life for many reasons. I have an opportunity to do things very differently to how they were before. I led an imbalanced life but now I want to pursue balance, wholeness and health. There is more to life than medicine. I can’t make that the centre of my life as I could end up regretting it on the day of judgement. I shouldn’t put all of my eggs into one basket. What if it isn’t accepted from me? 

I read somewhere today that friendships aren’t usually for life – they depend on the situation. They chop and change as people move around, drift apart, etc. I’ve always taken my friends for granted. I would just expect them to be there for me when I needed them, but of course, life doesn’t work like that. Everyone else has their own lives, their own commitments, etc. These are lessons for me. I need to learn to cope on my own and rely and turn to Allah. I wrote in the last few days about making Allah my best friend. That is the best thing to do. Only He can carry the weight of my flaws. He has the mercy and the strength to deal with it. He won’t turn away from me. He knows I am flawed and broken. He wants me to turn to Him for closure, healing and growth. And that’s what I must do. 

So here’s to new starts and new opportunities. I want to try to close the previous chapter and move onto the next chapter of my life. Of course, the lessons and memories (of the pain and joy) will not be easily forgotten as they changed my life and my mindset. They made me who I am and influence my current perspective on life. But perhaps over time they will be replaced with newer and fresher memories as I live and experience more, so they will be pushed further away into the back of my mind.

InshaAllah all will be ok. Allah is taking care of us all.

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