There has been some loss in my life – loss of things that were quite precious and dear to me. I have seemingly failed at many things, such as medical school exams and most recently a friendship that was very close to my heart. However, Allah has given me many second chances and in the past when I went through hardship, I was able to emerge from the experience as a stronger person, Alhamdulillah. But before that happened, I did have to go through some pretty sad and intense experiences.
Though when I stand back and compare my life to others who have endured much worse than me, I think to myself, Alhamdulillah that Allah did not test me with greater things. He tests us according to our faith, so eventhough my struggles might not be as great as someone else’s, the impact it has on me will be something that would be sure to challenge me.
The question of love and trust comes into my mind. Did I love and trust others beyond their capacity to provide for me? Only Allah is deserving of my full trust and love. He will never fail to disappoint me. He is looking after me and will continue to take care of me as He has been since the day I was born.
I feel like such an ungrateful slave when I focus too much on the pain. There is definitely much goodness interweaved with the struggles – like new friendships, the opportunity to rekindle old ones, family, other opportunities, etc. I just need to open my heart and mind up to the endless possibilities. The grieving hasn’t finished. The feelings come and go in waves. Just shows how unhealthy this attachment was for me, if it has had such an impact on me like this. No human being should ever have the capacity to make you feel this rubbish unless you allow them to. One’s sense of self-worth and self-respect comes from islam. I am a woman of honour, dignity and grace Alhamdulillah. Allah has given me hayah and that is how I should aim to live my life, not being led by the Muslimahs around me. I should not feel I am self important, eventhough it is easy to do so if you feel like you are the most practising in the bunch.
There might be some things I do well, but there will be other things that other sisters do much better than me that I can’t. Nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. We need to behave with integrity and be true to our morals and values.
May Allah make it easy for us. Ameen.