Wallowing But Trying To Move On

I felt sad and low earlier as I saw my friend so happy and chilled with other course mates. I guess I felt a little jealous, as you do when you have to share someone you truly love and care about with the rest of the world. I don’t think I’d be unique in having that feeling because last week, my flatmate invited her friend over (who I know) but she didn’t tell me. She later apologised for not telling me saying that she wanted to spend time alone with her best friend and I completely understood. I wasn’t offended at all, even in the beginning, but it was nice of her to make that clear, shows she might have felt a little bad for not inviting me.

But anyway, I am trying hard with this friend to engage with her. It can be difficult though. There are lots of things we have in common and could talk about before (serious topics) which aren’t always ideal to talk about on a day to day level. I feel sad when it seems her demeanour towards me is so different than it is with everyone else. She seems way more engaged with other people and makes more effort to connect with their speech than she does with mine. I don’t know if I’m just being OTT though. 

My strategy for the timebeing though is to just remain silent and not comment on these things. I don’t want to upset her anymore and I don’t want to be the bad person. I want to keep on striving to treat her like a good Muslim sister, as I would do with my other Muslim sisters. It shouldn’t matter how she treats me back – that is between her and Allah. As long as I am doing the right and best thing.

I also need to be mindful to be more mindful of my surroundings when I’m around her. There is more to life than this friend. I have a career, family and my deen to pursue. Those things are also VERY important. I guess it is sad when someone had a greater importance/role in your life and then that changed. I want to embrace that change though and go with the flow. Just because someone seems to be colder and flatter towards me, doesn’t mean I should mirror that (eventhough it can be human nature to speak to and respond to a person as they do to you). I’d like to challenge my actions towards her. I want to give off friendly vibes inshaAllah 🙂

May Allah make it easy. Life is a tough ride. It’s so sad when you lose the things you care so much about. It highlights the temporary nature of this dunya. Nothing is fixed/permanent. We search for things to latch onto emotionally but really that latching onto and that love should be entirely devoted to our Creator above who patiently waits for us to seek Him out and is always willing to give, despite how ungrateful we are.

Thank you Allah for the goodness you grant me and continue granting me and please forgive me for not recognising it enough.

xx

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