Realisations

On the drive back home today, I started thinking to myself, why didn’t my friend like me? She did begin to withdraw herself from me and I noticed that she could be quite moody around me whereas she could be quite happy around others. I guess I could be quite annoying as well since I ask lots of questions, but only because I am quite an inquisitive person. I like to know what is happening and I like to be in control.

I started to feel sad again, sad that this person did not want to be friends with me anymore but could not and did not want to explain to me why, other than the fact that she thought friendships shouldn’t be this difficult. She acknowledged that we were arguing quite a bit about things that were quite small. And she also said that there were too many issues that could not be resolved. I wonder sometimes what those issues are and inside I feel most inclined to think that she just didn’t like my personality. She said that she thought I was a good person but sometimes two good people just can’t get along (for whatever reason). I read between the lines and I think she just didn’t like my personality. She mentioned ‘temperament’ at some point so maybe she just didn’t like mine. I am quite stressy and quite anxious. Maybe that, coupled with her empathy just did not make a good combination. Maybe she would absorb all the negative thoughts/feelings I would externalise and that led to her wanting to not be close to me anymore. That is my interpretation which could be right or wrong.

What I have to say is that I can’t change my personality and my temperament. I tried to act more reserved around her to try to compensate or fix things but I then realised that this just wasn’t me and it wasn’t getting me anywhere. If this friend dislikes something about me that I can’t change, then I guess the onus was on her to do something about it. And maybe that is why she decided she wanted to end our friendship. It’s sad when you have to be on the receiving end of that. It is as if that person has all the control and you’re just the by-product of their decision. You feel small and inadequate. She had the power and I couldn’t do anything about it. I could continue to pursue it (as I usually do in life since I don’t easily give up on things that mean a lot to me), but with people, it just feels wrong to keep on pushing them as that could be regarded as harassment.

I can’t make sense of things and just as I was beginning to feel low, I came across this verse in the Qur’an:

‘And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah . But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah.’

(2:165)

What this verse demonstrates is that we shouldn’t love anyone like or more than the way we love Allah. Only Allah is deserving of that intensity of love. Only Allah will love us back, even more than we love Him. How amazing is that?

I truly and deeply loved this friend. Her messages to me would make me smile and I would look forward to seeing her. I would value her advice and insight more than anyone else’s that I knew. I trusted her…but she let me down.

Allah will never let us down though ever. He will always follow through on His promises to us. In fact, He always loves us despite us doing things to disobey Him all the time, but He loves it when we come back to Him.

No-one should compete in the affection that one has for their Lord, Allah. That love will not leave us with disappointment as He grants us and will continue to grant us an endless array of blessings. He sends our rizq down upon us. And He has promised the final and ultimate reward for all the believers who obey Him and worship none besides Him.

So all that pain and all that love I would devote to this friend of mine, I need to turn that back to Allah now. He is the source of all joy in my life. The only reason I was able to love and benefit from this friend so much was because Allah sent her to me. It is now Allah who has decided to make her turn away from me in some manner by which I can’t understand. But as a believer I am supposed to accept that everything comes from Him and everything will go back to Him.

So all of this that is happening, is all in my best interests. It’s not for me to know why things happen. I didn’t choose or ask for this friend to be in my life. Allah sent her to me and looking back, there was much reward in having her there. Maybe there is khair (good) in not having her be so close to me either.

I need to trust Allah that His plan is the best plan, eventhough it might not fall in line with how I planned it or wanted it to be. 

I’m not in control. Allah is.

May He grant all the believers ease and a way out from their suffering.

Ameen

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