Moving Forward Gracefully InshaAllah

I feel like the world is in a state of disarray. Are these attacks and wars that are happening, the beginning or the start of the events that will lead closer to the coming of the mahdi, or is just part of the latest trend – something to put people on edge and give them something to talk about?

Allahu A’lam (Allah knows).

We see and hear negative stories about the effects of war on other countries in the news and media all the time. It always seems quite distant in a way. Everyone just carries on with their lives in some sort of way because we have to. But when the drama is unleashed a lot closer to home, it makes us feel slightly more worried as we or our loved ones could quite easily get caught up in any of these tragic incidents.

Nothing in life is certain. Even the people who we care about, we can’t guarantee they will always be in our lives or they will even continue caring for us. 

The incident with my friend really shook up my life, but it seems that we are able to get on, on a day to day basis, Alhamdulillah. Of course, I miss the closeness we had and the relationship we had. But I am prepared to move forward gracefully now, without chasing the past and allowing a new future to be paved with whatever roles that Allah has in store for us.

I do sometimes feel jealous though, when I see her with other sisters and when I see her happy with other people. It makes me feel sad that she always used to look so unhappy around me and I couldn’t pinpoint why that was. Based on the fact that she wanted to withdraw from me, I strongly suspect that seeing me suffer and go through pain wasn’t easy for her.

I can’t blame myself or my flaws either. I am just the way I am. It doesn’t mean that I should hate myself because it doesn’t necessarily mean our break up was my fault. Maybe we just learnt more about each other and then our personalities/temperaments were incompatible. Maybe we just struggled to handle each other. I struggled to handle her silences and perhaps she struggled to handle me talking about emotional things. There was no way to reconcile that as I have a need for clarity and information whereas she goes with the flow and I felt she didn’t really understand this trait of mine as our brains were wired differently.

She is a mature and well reasoned individual. Even her last explanation to me sounded balanced and mature. It made me feel a little embarassed that I had acted a little bit like a child, wanting to lash out and pour out my emotions. However, I am human, just like she is and she had the chance to express her emotions and thoughts to me in quite a harsh way so I felt that it was fair and that I was entitled to say what I did. The truth (if she saw it that way) must have hurt, as it did for me too. But better out than in.

Alhamdulillah, I am grateful to Allah for providing me with this level of ease.

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