Looking back at my life, I am happy and relieved to say that I have lived in the manner that I ought to have lived it, Alhamdulillah. Of course, I’m not perfect and I’ve made many mistakes and said and done things I shouldn’t have done, but did I try to make the most of the opportunities I had in front of me? Yes, I would like to think I tried, Alhamdulillah.
I need to continue praying to Allah that He accepts all of my acts of worship – all the things I did for His sake and all the things I gave up for His sake.
This Ramadan has been challenging in many ways. Last Ramadan was too as I felt quite depressed after failing my med school exams and had to appeal to my university to allow me to repeat the year and have another chance.
This Ramadan I have been at university trying to balance the demands of my course (doing assessments,presentations, etc) as well as make time for doing ibaadah like reciting the Quran and doing extra prayers. Sometimes I just feel shattered and need to rest/sleep. Sometimes I feel guilty about wanting to sleep/rest quite a bit.
Of course I’ve had my ongoing emotional issues with the break-up. It is sad when you are so close to someone and poured so much of your time, energy and love into them, but they decide to withdraw from you. Thinking about that has probably been sucking me of my energy too.
I think I forgive my friend now, Alhamdulillah, eventhough I can’t really forget the past. She tried to help me out in many ways throughout life (by being there and listening to me). If her efforts did fail at the end, then it isn’t her fault, she tried and her effort was admirable. Not everyone would have been willing to have gone to the lengths that she did.
When I pursue something in life, I put so much effort into it. I devote my entire being to it. But I’ve learnt that that might not be the best approach when it comes to people. Sometimes people don’t want you to make them such a big focus of your life eventhough you do out of kindness and love. And if they do decide they want to take a step away, then as painful as it might be, those wishes need to be respected. To pursue people unconditionally in the same way I would pursue my other aims in life like Medicine, etc might be regarded as harrassment (even with the best of intentions), if that person does not wish to be pursued.
There are unanswered questions but things in life will not always have explanations. I need to learn to deal with uncertainty as in the medical world and also in my personal life, there will always be uncertainty. I felt like I didn’t have closure. However, people who lose their loved ones to horrific accidents such as being attacked, etc, don’t have adequate explanations either for why their loved ones were taken away. When it comes to people and their actions, it is very difficult to ascertain why they might have done something. We can’t really see what is inside their minds and hearts – only Allah can.
I respect my friends’ wishes to not talk about this any further in order to protect our sanity. Perhaps she is right. This stuff is draining and we need that energy to be able to deal with life’s daily challenges. So I’m not in charge of who is in my life (when previously I thought I could be) so maybe this is just another one of the sacrifices I need to make in order to try to live a good life.
For a long time I have felt I needed my friend because we share common values, but I need to learn to depend on Allah for this. All good and all of my rizq alongside my opportunities will come from Allah inshaAllah. I need to continue making d’ua for what I want and He will open doors from places I never would have even thought of.
So Alhamdulillah, I feel I have the closure I needed and feel more willing to move on now inshaAllah.