A Break-Up

I am heartbroken.

I managed to do some more work on my presentation Alhamdulillah. But I am deeply saddened by what happened.

Now I know why movies/dramas are made about break-ups. It is such a painful experience – especially when you truly loved and cared for that person. It feels like she has become so detached from me after she cared so much about me. She said friendships are not meant to be this difficult or intense. We went through some hard times together. She has always tried to help me.

Sometimes the emotional pain is just so strong. It feels like your entire world just becomes grim and covered by a grey cloud. I know I can get out of it because I went out to eat for iftar with my flatmate yesterday. I was able to have some decent conversations with her Alhamdulillah, but it was defo there in my mind. Sometimes I wasn’t fully present when listening to her talk. I might not have taken in everything.

I guess break-ups are a really common human experience. This is the first time I have experienced one like this. Maybe different people react differently.

I hope the pain heals inshaAllah. All good is from Allah and I am so grateful that He allowed me to have such a good friend in my life for so long. I truly loved and cared for her. Now, for some reason unknown to me, things between us have just become so different and difficult. It was all down to the plan of Allah though. Allah gives us what is good for us and takes away whatever we don’t need, perhaps to challenge us or help us to grow. For a long time I felt like I needed her in my life. I struggled to imagine a life without her, but I want to move on now in a healthier way.

All things happen for a reason. Bringing this topic up has intensified the pain when the pain was starting to lessen and we were getting along fine. Sometimes I think, should I have just left it then? No, I couldn’t have, because I needed to express myself and have my say, like she did right at the start. My feelings were becoming too intense for me to handle. She needed to be made aware of how she made me feel.

So yeah, that’s how things are. It felt like we were on one wavelength for a while but then things changed. We became more and more exposed to each others’ flaws. And maybe some of my traits coupled with some of her traits made quite a painful combination. 

I do also wonder if there is more happening behind the scenes that I don’t know about. Perhaps there is. One can never be certain. 

I’m quite an analytical person but maybe that trait isn’t so good when it comes to human relationships. You can’t mould people/change them and make them into what you want/need them to be. Other people have their own ideas/thoughts/objectives which may fall out of line with yours. Are you with someone because you truly want to be, or is it just due to circumstances. Sometimes people change and maybe they just want something different. Each human being has the right to choose that. I don’t know if I will ever stop caring for her. Maybe she has for me but I don’t know. I had such a deep emotional connection with her. I am very deep. It has made me question my ability to form relationships with others.

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