So my friend said that she wasn’t prepared to continue our friendship anymore…
I have closure I guess and I feel sad that things ended up this way but there are factors in our life that are beyond our control which affected our relationship. It seems that she quite easily forgave me but I can’t easily do that. I hold onto pain. It seems we have different temperaments and we just seem to tick each other off in ways and get annoyed at each other. God knows why or how it has become that way. I only know my side of the story. I wanted to hear hers but she said she couldn’t handle it emotionally. She wants us to be able to get along on a day to day level as Muslim sisters.
I am really upset of course. I have been in bed for most of yesterday and today. I can’t get it out of my mind. It just is what it is.
I am privileged in many ways as Allah is bringing me out of a bad situation after I lost many things – those things are being recovered. The emotional scars are heavy though and I want to heal from that. Things happened I couldn’t control. I don’t regret my actions. I know I have lived life and pursued the things I ought to pursue.
Sometimes in life you don’t really get the outcome you want. After listening to a lecture, I have been reminded that you can’t judge life by the outcomes as sometimes things will not work out, like battle of Uhud. You have to judge it by asking yourself, did you pursue the means and the correct means? And if you did, then Alhamdulillah, you make d’ua that Allah accepts your effort, regardless of the outcome.
Sometimes I worry or feel nervous about my future and whether I will be able to do the things I want to do. All good is from Allah and our rizq is from Allah. I wish I could depend on that. I want to strengthen my faith. I want to lead a good life and a better life.
I feel like the world is becoming more dangerous. There have been two attacks on British soil in the last few weeks so I feel a little nervous about the future. I feel like the world is changing rapidly. Are those dreams/aims I had before still relevant in this current climate? I’m not sure. We always change as human beings and the world around us always changes. We need to find the best way of living.
Now I have been ruminating and feeling sad for too long this weekend. Yes, it has been upsetting but do I regret bringing it up? No, I don’t. As painful as it was, I now know what her views are regarding the situation. She’s always felt responsible for me so maybe there is far too much pain within her that she wasn’t able to help me like she has always done. I expected her to help me as you do when you are emotionally dependent. All things happen for a reason though and I pray that this makes me stronger and shapes me into a better Muslim. This experience has taught me a lot and it has definitely made me open my eyes up more and interact with the world around me. Previously I thought I had the friends and the support I needed – I did not need much more beyond that so I shut myself off to the beauty around me. I’m opening up more to the world around me. It requires me to be courageous and bold – things I haven’t always been. But what you have to realise in life is that you do not need to be restricted by what your thoughts and feelings are telling you. If you go and do the opposite of your thoughts and feelings, then you challenge those negative views of yourself and it can result in a change in mindset because you are proving to yourself that you CAN do it. Now I should be getting up and working on a presentation I have tomorrow. I have revision to do as well for an assessment. I don’t feel upto it but I can make myself and that in turn will inshaAllah give me the motivation to continue.
May Allah allow our lives and the ummah to prosper x