I am struggling this Ramadan. I am struggling to focus on ibaadah. My mind just wants to constantly analyse and ruminate about the past. This weekend I have been feeling quite angry and upset towards my friend too. Previously I took most of the blame for what happened, which my counsellor helped me to realise. After going away from the session, I began to think a bit more about how my friend enabled the situation to occur as well. I felt angry at her as the memory of her actions and words were brought to the forefront of my mind.
We also talked about the fact that there seemed to be some unfinished business with the situation. That friend continues to be in my life strangely. We did not talk about what happened since then. I did bring it up slightly by apologising for the role I played in it and it seemed as if it wasn’t that big a deal to her. She told me she had forgiven me a while ago and that we were human at the end of the day.
So I feel I know a bit more in my mind about how she enabled issues to arise in our friendship. I was thinking of writing an email to her explaining my interpretation of the situation but I didn’t send it. I wrote this the day before yesterday. It felt good to write it, however I didn’t send it. I thought I’d save it as a draft and review it later. As the weekend went on, I decided to not send it at all and just now, I deleted it. I felt it sounded whiney and artificial. I tried to make myself sound nice and I tried to make it be about her, but the truth is, it wasn’t. It was for me, I want to make myself feel better. That’s what it’s all about.
I’m hoping and praying for a more natural situation where I can tell her exactly what her problems are/were. I do want her to know how she made me feel and how her actions were wrong. It’s not nice to give off the message to another human being that you care about them and then decide to withdraw that care and affection when you decide you can’t handle it. It’s heartbreaking. And I’m not the first person she has done it to. She did it to a guy a while ago. At the time I hated him for making my friend feel so horrible, but now I feel sorry for him because I realised that my friend was giving him mixed messages. She wasn’t interested in him but she allowed him to keep on telling her his problems. She was not firm enough. So eventhough she told him what her stance was on gender interactions on islam (that it is forbidden unless it is for a valid purpose and not just for socialising), he continued to talk to her and she allowed it to continue. In the end, he ended up confessing how he felt about her but of course, as she wasn’t interested, it turned into an argument and she blocked him. She blocked me too. How dare she treat me in the exact same way when she knew she was the only person I could talk to about certain things.
I honestly hope she learns her lesson and finds out how horrible she has made me feel. I hope that one day someone will treat her in the way she treats others.
I know I need to move away from this as it is not the best way to spend this valuable time in Ramadan. I should be reading the Quran and working on my relationship with Allah. Writing this has just made me realise that that friendship was too big a focus of my life so it was definitely a good thing that Allah turned it away, Alhamdulillah 🙂
I should go and pray isha and taraweeh now 🙂