I feel bad that I haven’t done what I was supposed to do before this Ramadan began. I should have gone through the fiqh of ramadan before this holy month began, but I didn’t.
And today, I have found myself sucked into reading about psychological theories such as ‘the drama triangle’ and issues related to codependency. When I get fixated on an idea or have a vision, I need to complete it or finish it to ease my anxiety. This clearly has problems when you’re studying something like Medicine as the road is long so you need to aim for other smaller achievements along the way.
I feel I have almost become obsessed with trying to unravel the mysteries of this friendship and why it went wrong and how to pick up from here. I also know deep down at the back of my mind that there are so many more important things I need to do such as ibaadah – pray, recite the Quran, as well as study.
I need to make better use of my time. There’s way more to life than this friend and this friendship of mine. Yes, we were a huge part of each other’s life but the healthy way forward is to come to a more balanced friendship where we are able to thrive and prosper in our own lives.
Ultimately I don’t need her. A part of me doesn’t want her either cos to be quite frank she has hurt me so much. It is her caring nature that was one of the factors that led me to want to be close to her. She always took an active interest in my life and enquired about how I was. I am coming to realise more though that this was definitely a problem that she had. She has had issues with other people as well where she had to block them out, and I presume that she played a role in coming across as caring which meant they developed a liking for her but she didn’t want to be involved. I hate that I had to be a victim of this, of her caring traits.
Now I need to stop this from becoming so central to my life and need to turn to Allah and seek assistance and approval from Him during this holy month. I am finding it difficult to switch off. It’s hard :s Even right now, I’ve been lying on the couch for so long doing all this research. Yes, it has given me greater clarity and understanding so there are definitely benefits to this but there are so many other things I need to do, most importantly that is to pray zuhr inshaAllah.
Ramadan Mubarak to everyone and may Allah grant you peace and joy in this life and the next. Ameen 🙂