It’s the weekend! 🙂
I feel more at peace Alhamdulillah, knowing that today there aren’t any urgent external pressures on me so I can practically do whatever I please inshaAllah.
Recently I have been thinking that I put too much pressure on myself and I need to be kinder to myself. I am hoping to practice more self-care and self-compassion. Currently I have been waiting for certain things to happen to my life, feeling that maybe life will improve after that and thinking that those external changes will provide the foundations for me to have a better quality of life.
In part that is true, because if I move flats, like I am waiting to do so, I will hopefully have company inshaAllah. My friend and potential flatmate has said that she likes to study with company so perhaps that might be nicer for me inshaAllah.
But what is more important than the above is that I find wholeness and happiness within myself, rather than wait for certain achievements, because the truth is, I might not have those things, and even if I do, the happiness will be short-lasting because then I will want something else.
My parents factor into this as well because I feel like my life and my studies has brought them some distress. They really want me to be successful in life and I feel like their aims and ambitions are lived through their children. Recently I have come to realise that the pressure that is there upon us, is not explicit pressure but it is implied, for instance if I do well at uni, then they will become overjoyed and it will bring them a lot of happiness. However, if something unexpected happens such as me failing or something, I can see the sorrow in their faces, eventhough they will verbally try to compensate for that by saying comforting things like “it was the qadr of Allah”. This positive reinforcement that I have had throughout my life has probably made me subconsciously associate my achievements with happiness so my sense of self-worth has come from what I achieve. This isn’t healthy though because sometimes in life things will not go to plan, which doesn’t mean that my sense of self worth should go down the drain either.
I have been reflecting a lot on my life recently and I am starting to make some major realisations which I hope will result in me having a better quality of life inshaAllah.
Our sense of self-worth as human beings needs to come from something that is fixed and stable. If we relied on something that could change or be lost, then that would have destructive effects on our self esteem.
I hope that everyone reading this is able to find that happiness in a constant that they value inshaAllah.