Trying to Deal with the past

The counsellor I saw in the previous week said that it sounded like I was going through a grieving process.

I broke up with my best friend.

She told me that it must be difficult for me to be vulnerable around people, and that is true.

I cried hard because she was reflecting and summarising my thoughts back to me. 

I just let it out. My memory was a bit patchy about what happened because my mind had tried to bury it, because it was too painful to think about and to carry that pain around with me. I tried to bring it all out to the forefront of my mind, so that I could find some long term relief and acceptance.

I want to move on gracefully, but I am confused. When you love a person and feel like you are bound to them emotionally, but at the same time you feel pain around the situation, then it can be really confusing.

I’m not sad all the time. I can do other things and focus on them, but sometimes the sadness just comes and then it goes. When I see that friend, it can bring back painful feelings. I feel a little bit anxious about seeing her. She’s still nice to me, but I feel like she is a little emotionally withdrawn at times. Her facial expressions seem to be a bit more flat when she is speaking to me, when she’ll be more smiley when talking to other people.

I noticed that a while ago and it did make me feel sad. Maybe it’s just the way things are. You can’t change the past and you can’t change the way you behaved. You just need to find a way to deal with what happened before and accept yourself with your flaws. I would like to like my self and who I am. I feel I did before. I was more confident with who I was. I was definitely more confident in some settings over others. 

I made some mistakes but that wasn’t my fault. I was under a lot of stress. It was a shame that another had to bear that stress. I understand why they did it and I don’t hate them for doing what was right to protect their own emotional state. 

It’s just made me feel like I need to tackle my anxiety, because it is a very unappealing trait of mine, and I don’t wish to hurt anyone else with it. 

Recently I have been thinking that maybe my anxiety stems from the negative beliefs I have about myself – that I won’t be able to do something.

My mum has always been criticizing me as I grew up. She is a perfectionist and everything always had to be done her way. Perhaps that makes me question my actions all the time and makes me feel like I won’t do things to a good enough standard.

Maybe I need to explore this more and then move on from that. I don’t want my past to shape my future inshaAllah. I want to own my present, by the grace of Allah.

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