Progress

I sent an email to my friend finally 🙂 This one sounded more authentic and less sugar-coated. I didn’t want it to sound too angry either because that’s not nice.

I told my friend how she made me feel and I wanted her to know that it’s not nice to treat another human being like that, eventhough she may not have intended it to be that way. 

I felt a bit more fearless of her response or non-response, but I am still interested and intrigued to know what she thinks. She might not reply. She might do and become persecutory towards me instead and tell me that I am the problem. She needs to know that she has a serious problem too.

We all have flaws and we need to find a way to regulate them. I sometimes feel our weaknesses are offshoots of our strengths. I’m very focussed and organized, which can bring me anxiety when things don’t go to plan. She’s caring and empathetic, but she lays her heart on her sleeve and gets into risky emotional situations.

I have a feeling that she might be so detached from me and my feelings that she just won’t care about my message anymore. Perhaps she has just become desensitized. I will feel sad if that is the case, but I won’t allow her to make me feel insignificant.

This is occupying my mind a lot, but I am pleased to say that I have increased my level of ibaadah since my last post, Alhamdulillah.

Allah will surely fix everything x

Ramadan Woes

I am struggling this Ramadan. I am struggling to focus on ibaadah. My mind just wants to constantly analyse and ruminate about the past. This weekend I have been feeling quite angry and upset towards my friend too. Previously I took most of the blame for what happened, which my counsellor helped me to realise. After going away from the session, I began to think a bit more about how my friend enabled the situation to occur as well. I felt angry at her as the memory of her actions and words were brought to the forefront of my mind.

We also talked about the fact that there seemed to be some unfinished business with the situation. That friend continues to be in my life strangely. We did not talk about what happened since then. I did bring it up slightly by apologising for the role I played in it and it seemed as if it wasn’t that big a deal to her. She told me she had forgiven me a while ago and that we were human at the end of the day. 

So I feel I know a bit more in my mind about how she enabled issues to arise in our friendship. I was thinking of writing an email to her explaining my interpretation of the situation but I didn’t send it. I wrote this the day before yesterday. It felt good to write it, however I didn’t send it. I thought I’d save it as a draft and review it later. As the weekend went on, I decided to not send it at all and just now, I deleted it. I felt it sounded whiney and artificial. I tried to make myself sound nice and I tried to make it be about her, but the truth is, it wasn’t. It was for me, I want to make myself feel better. That’s what it’s all about. 

I’m hoping and praying for a more natural situation where I can tell her exactly what her problems are/were. I do want her to know how she made me feel and how her actions were wrong. It’s not nice to give off the message to another human being that you care about them and then decide to withdraw that care and affection when you decide you can’t handle it. It’s heartbreaking. And I’m not the first person she has done it to. She did it to a guy a while ago. At the time I hated him for making my friend feel so horrible, but now I feel sorry for him because I realised that my friend was giving him mixed messages. She wasn’t interested in him but she allowed him to keep on telling her his problems. She was not firm enough. So eventhough she told him what her stance was on gender interactions on islam (that it is forbidden unless it is for a valid purpose and not just for socialising), he continued to talk to her and she allowed it to continue. In the end, he ended up confessing how he felt about her but of course, as she wasn’t interested, it turned into an argument and she blocked him. She blocked me too. How dare she treat me in the exact same way when she knew she was the only person I could talk to about certain things.

I honestly hope she learns her lesson and finds out how horrible she has made me feel. I hope that one day someone will treat her in the way she treats others.

I know I need to move away from this as it is not the best way to spend this valuable time in Ramadan. I should be reading the Quran and working on my relationship with Allah. Writing this has just made me realise that that friendship was too big a focus of my life so it was definitely a good thing that Allah turned it away, Alhamdulillah 🙂

I should go and pray isha and taraweeh now 🙂

Thoughts

I long for a better world. A world where Muslims are united upon the truth. Yes, there will be conflict and disagreement but it’s how we solve that discord and how we move forward which is important. 

I think Muslims need to develop a strong sense of identity and embrace the fact that they are Muslim first and foremost. We are one body, one ummah. Yes, we will clash sometimes when it comes to personality, aims, views, etc but when it comes to the common goals of our ummah, we should be willing to put personal differences aside (as difficult as that may be).

Yes, I understand that sometimes people are unkind and they do and say things which we don’t like or are hurtful to us. This can be damaging at times. It can make us feel betrayed, cheated, rejected and despondent. These feelings and emotions are valid and are natural responses to the events that occur around us. These feelings and issues need to be dealt with rather than brushed under the carpet. They should be talked about. We should think win-win where both parties can reach a mutual agreement/resolution. Yes, we might not have things completely our way and sometimes we might need to make sacrifices to be fair to each other. But we are part of an interdependent system and brothers and sisters, we need each other. We can’t fix the world by ourselves. We can advise each other, support each other, help each other and inspire each other. Don’t think of your fellow bro or sis as competition to you. Remember that Allah has our rizq decided so each of us will not receive any more or less than what Allah had already decided for us. 

Think of your fellow brother or sister as you and help them achieve the very things you would want for yourself. Let’s prop each other up and be pillars of support for one another. But let’s also remember that we should depend on Allah first and foremost. Yes, our brothers and sisters are there for us, but only because Allah sent them to us. All good comes from Allah.

The prophet (pbuh) said “None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself” 

(Sahih Al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

Sadness

I cried a lot today 😥 I cried during Asr and especially during taraweeh prayers. I prayed taraweeh in the masjid. A nice sister sat who prayed next to me offered me a tissue which was nice.

I just feel so betrayed. I can’t get over it. How could she? That is horrendous. I pray to Allah that He helps me get over this. And I pray to Allah that she learns her lessons and never again hurts someone like this ever again. She has some issues with some personality and her excessive empathy.

For a while I wanted her back and I wanted things to go back to normal, but right now, I don’t care.

The intense pain of a break-up

My counsellor told me that it seems as if I was taking all the blame in the break-up. And I was.

But right this moment now, I’m not. I feel sooo angry about what she did. How dare she think she can just drop me like that! I’m not the first person she has done it to either. She’s a damaging person to end up in a relationship with. I know she loves helping people – it gives off the message of “I care about you” and then suddenly she just wanted to stop caring about me.

I can’t stop ruminating about this today. I hate her with all my being. I hope she one day experiences the hurt that I felt. How dare she tell me how to live my life and give me advice when she needs advice about how giving/sharing she is. 

I’m just analysing this in my mind. I want to stop so I just blocked her. Screw this crap! She led me on as she has led people on before.

First Day of Ramadan 2017

I feel bad that I haven’t done what I was supposed to do before this Ramadan began. I should have gone through the fiqh of ramadan before this holy month began, but I didn’t.

And today, I have found myself sucked into reading about psychological theories such as ‘the drama triangle’ and issues related to codependency. When I get fixated on an idea or have a vision, I need to complete it or finish it to ease my anxiety. This clearly has problems when you’re studying something like Medicine as the road is long so you need to aim for other smaller achievements along the way. 

I feel I have almost become obsessed with trying to unravel the mysteries of this friendship and why it went wrong and how to pick up from here. I also know deep down at the back of my mind that there are so many more important things I need to do such as ibaadah – pray, recite the Quran, as well as study.

I need to make better use of my time. There’s way more to life than this friend and this friendship of mine. Yes, we were a huge part of each other’s life but the healthy way forward is to come to a more balanced friendship where we are able to thrive and prosper in our own lives.

Ultimately I don’t need her. A part of me doesn’t want her either cos to be quite frank she has hurt me so much. It is her caring nature that was one of the factors that led me to want to be close to her. She always took an active interest in my life and enquired about how I was. I am coming to realise more though that this was definitely a problem that she had. She has had issues with other people as well where she had to block them out, and I presume that she played a role in coming across as caring which meant they developed a liking for her but she didn’t want to be involved. I hate that I had to be a victim of this, of her caring traits. 

Now I need to stop this from becoming so central to my life and need to turn to Allah and seek assistance and approval from Him during this holy month. I am finding it difficult to switch off. It’s hard :s Even right now, I’ve been lying on the couch for so long doing all this research. Yes, it has given me greater clarity and understanding so there are definitely benefits to this but there are so many other things I need to do, most importantly that is to pray zuhr inshaAllah.

Ramadan Mubarak to everyone and may Allah grant you peace and joy in this life and the next. Ameen 🙂

Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution

My mum was quite an aggressive character growing up. I wouldn’t want her to know I feel this way about her because I know she tries her best to be a good mother and she sometimes gets upset that she’s not doing enough for us or that she was a bad mother.

But honestly, my mum isn’t very tactful when it comes to dealing with anger and stress. She took it out on us. When she was unhappy with us, she told us so and she expressed it in a very emotionally loaded and quite often offensive way. There was a lot of shouting in our household. I had to deal with ways of coping with that and protecting myself against the very harsh criticism that came my way. On the other hand, there was definitely positive reinforcement when she was happy with what we did – mostly our academic achievements. There were hugs and kisses, her mood visibly elevated and there were presents and parties and nice food cooked for us to reward us.

Why do I write about this?

It is because I was thinking about attachment styles and how it related to me and my friend. I am definitely the person to be more open and maybe even confrontational when it came to conflict resolution. However my friend wasn’t so much.

She told me once a long time ago that she never knew what her mum thought of her. There was negative reinforcement when she did something bad but when she did something well, there wasn’t positive reinforcement which she wishes she had. My friend learnt to cope with life by being very self-driven. She had to motivate herself to do things as there was seemingly little external rewards. It seems that she was self driven whereas perhaps I am the opposite and I like some sort of external validation.

Maybe that is how my friend deals with conflict by being passive and resistant. Maybe that is her style.

It’s something to reflect on for the future inshaAllah, to see if I can find ways of reconciling my way of conflict resolution with hers.

The Pain Comes Back

She described our friendship as toxic 😥

I didn’t know she felt that way. It was a shock.

I cried a lot yesterday as I thought about the break-up. I felt so angry towards her. I also feel confused and have mixed feelings. Here is this person who I admire and care about who hurt me so badly. I don’t know how to be or act around them. I don’t want my anger to show to them as I don’t want to hurt them but I feel I need to clear the air as well.

Don’t know.

Please God, grant me clarity in this.

Counselling Session Reflections

I spoke with my counsellor yesterday about how things were improving with my life Alhamdulillah. I felt happy during the day of the appointment and the day before had gone well as well that I felt a little reluctant to delve into the past again and make myself feel upset.

I did note that I feel like I’m moving more towards acceptance but I do have days when I think about what happened (the break-up) and I cry. I have so many fixed feelings about my friend.

How could she? She cared for me for so long and looked out for me that it hurt immensely when she decided she wanted to withdraw herself from me. How dare she almost lead me on which made me think she was that rescuer to turn to when I was upset. It was so hurtful.

How dare she just pick up with her life and move on whilst I struggled. I struggled with housing and finances and she just left me by myself.

I hate her so much! 

But also I feel like I shouldn’t and I don’t want to either because she’s a fellow Muslim and it’s part of my faith to love other Muslims and feel mercy towards them.

I try not to display any of that hate towards her in my actions. I try to be the opposite of what I feel because I want to be the better person.

I actually don’t think I need her again. I don’t want her anymore. Screw her. I’m moving on inshaAllah.

How do I feel

I feel ok. I just want to tackle life. I do feel depleted of energy. I do sometimes doubt what I am spending time on. Am I spending too much time on medicine? Sometimes I struggle to concentrate. It’s just there are lots of thoughts in my mind. I’m planning what to do next and I feel there is so much to do and I don’t know where to start.

Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed because I just think there is so much to do and I don’t know where to start. I struggle to make decisions. I’m constantly trying to weigh up the pros and cons of everything and in the end I just get frustrated and I end up doing nothing or wasting a lot of time thinking about what to do.

I want to be in the present.