There are a few things I wanted to get off my chest regarding my thoughts. During the teaching session we had on psychotherapy, we went through two case studies and analysed the lives of two patients and what may have caused the difficulties in their lives. I realised that my past is shaping my present and I want to move on, but it’s not so easy. I also became worried about my future and didn’t want my past to continuously bring me down and my future relationships.
I think I was a very shy child. My parents were very strict on me and I remember my mum not allowing me to go out and play with the other children because she was so anxious of something bad happening to me. During the latter years of primary school, I found that used to make me feel very low about myself. I felt like I was missing out on a lot of fun.
My mother is very devoted to caring physically for her children. She is cooking all the time, eventhough we have grown up and don’t need to be fed so much because sometimes we eat out as well. I think my mum still treats us like children. She’s also a perfectionist and likes things to be done in her way. She is a very stubborn woman and it is very difficult to get her to change her mind on anything, even if all the evidence points against her point of view. She is a very anxious person and is stressing out all the time. I feel like she takes her stress out on us. We were and are still shouted at quite a lot for not helping out enough around the house. Even when I do, I feel like it’s not appreciated enough. I feel like my siblings avoid my mother because she is constantly telling them off.
My parents don’t have a good relationship with each other. They are from two completely different walks of life. My mother had a wealthier upbringing and my dad was from a poorer background where he had to work very hard. I have heard many stories from my mother about how she had to drop her living standards after she married my father. There have always been issues with money with my parents. It can be quite frustrating to listen to. My father always gave and still gives money back to his home country to support his extended family which my mum has always hated. She feels like it means that there is less for us.
Key Relationships in My Life
I was quite close to my aunties when growing up as they were just a few years older than me. I feel like I became distant from them when leaving for university. I was disciplined by them as well and sometimes when they took out their anger on me, it left me feeling very upset.
I was close to my friends at secondary school, but I feel like they were very different to me as they weren’t so academically inclined and would gossip a lot. I felt myself drift away from them.
When I came to university, I struggled to make friends as everyone was very into the partying scene. I became very depressed that year but did not receive any treatment for it as I was unaware that it was depression.
I became close friends with another girl when I started university and we spent a lot of time together. We shared common values and we shared a lot with each other. She opened up to me about some of the pain in her life and I opened up to her about the pain in mine. She was my best friend and I did devote a lot of myself to her, preferring her over a lot of my other friends. I think towards that critical point in our relationship when things broke down, I feel like she was providing more support to me than I was to her. She just could not handle it anymore. She sent me a long message explaining how she felt. I was very upset to read it. It made me feel low and bad about myself, as if I had failed and it was my fault that things had become that way. I blamed myself.
I write about all the above and I’m sure there is more within my unconscious that I may or may not need to tap into to deal with my anxiety and depression. I have had CBT and been on medication before but this only helps in the short-term. It seemed like I relapsed again recently. I want to know what has caused me to be like this and then I’d like to fix it inshaAllah.
I pray to Allah for a solution. I am soo sceptical about psychotherapy or pursuing counselling again. I hope Allah provides for me a cure and a way to live my life in a healthy and productive way.