Today was miserable. There were far too many triggers scattered throughout the day and in the end I just felt horrendously miserable. I was crying outrageously when I got home and I couldn’t do anything else.
I guess the day didn’t start off brilliantly because I missed my Fajr prayer. Then, I began to grow jealous of my accompanying friend as she seemed to have lots of social connections in her life. I sat in a group of doctors with her and I just felt so disinterested in what they were talking about. I couldn’t wait for it to just be over. They began to talk about their lives as junior doctors and it just sounded so depressing. It made me worry prematurely about the future, when I don’t really want to think about the future. I just want to focus on today. There was an element of freemixing involved as well which I thought was unnecessary.
Then we had a session on psychotherapy, since I’m on my psychiatry block. It brought to the forefront of my mind many negative thoughts and emotions. The words transference and counter-transference brought back the trauma of that message my friend sent me a long time ago explaining what I was doing to her and how she just couldn’t cope anymore. Then there was the explanation of why psychotherapy is important, when we were given an interactive exercise to think about the kind of person we would go to for help and the type of qualities they would have. It reminded me again how my friend was like my counsellor, and I probably overshared with her when maybe you shouldn’t tell the close people in your life so much as they will find it upsetting.
For the last few months I have been debating with myself whether I should pursue counselling. I didn’t want to because I just want to carry on with life and leave the past in the past, but when the past is affecting my present, then I guess it needs resolving.
I came home today and amidst the crying I prayed and made d’ua to Allah that he grants me good things to my life. I complained to Him for my losses and begged Him for resolution. Since then, I have made the decision that I need to see my GP urgently to sort my life out – including my medication and some counselling. Of course, all good comes from Allah, so I pray to Him first of all that He provides me with relief from the best possible dunya means.