Trying to make peace with the turmoil

It just feels that life has become so hard for me. The shaytan tries to make me believe that it is MY fault that things became like this and if it wasn’t for ME then my life would have been better – I may have been around my closest friends, I may have had more wealth, I may have been living somewhere nicer than where I currently am, and I may not have had to repeat the year.

Allah says in the Quran, 

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,

Who, when disaster strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.”
Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.

(Surah al Baqarah, 155-157)

So it is part of our test that we will be faced with loss. Allah told us that in the Qur’an. This is something that I’d like to internalise. It is also due to the Qadr of Allah that I faced and am facing what I am today. This was meant to occur to me. My rizq and the rizq of everyone else was decreed from above the seven heavens. He has the power to fix things if I turn to Him directly. And he has so far, I thought I wouldn’t get my student finance so I got a job and worked rigorously. Now, I not only have the funds from what the government has given me, I have extra savings from my job, Alhamdulillah. So Allah has increased me in wealth. I was living in a lonely studio flat, but now I have the pleasure of living in accommodation that is a step up from that in a nicer room where I have more space and it is in a slightly more pleasant location. 

Allah gives us advice in the Quran about how we should react, what we should say (inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioun) and the amazing bounties that we will receive from doing so. He has promised us this!

Also, Allah wants to know who is truthful and who are the liars. If we claimed to be Muslims and on the straight path when everything seems to be going fine and dandy, then once we are tested and we face major losses, it drives us away from the deen and we turn to our desires, then that shows the level of our conviction. Nay Allah protect us from hypocrisy. Ameen.

I received a not very nice phone-call from work today after I tried to call in sick many times but no-one picked up. In the end, it was told it was my fault for not trying hard enough to get through to them. Perhaps it is true to an extent as I was not thinking properly as I was stressed. I was threatened with disciplinary action which has stressed me out. 

My mind wants to forget about it and so I just wanted to remind myself that I should only fear Allah alone and nothing/no-one else is worth fearing. 

It is a hard journey but there are huge rewards promised to the believers at the end for sticking to the straight path.

May Allah make us of the people of Jannah. Ameen.

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Realisation about My Time

What yesterday’s post highlighted to me is that humans have basic primary needs/requirements. They are the following:

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Shelter

I know I would prefer to live a life where the above three have been taken care of inshaAllah, so that I can then just focus predominantly on my secondary needs such as seeking knowledge – medical knowledge and islamic knowledge, and giving da’wah to my closest ones, which are arguably more important, although less urgent than my primary needs.

I have been focussing a lot lately on my basic needs, because in my mind, I feel that once those are in a better position, I might be in a better position to seek knowledge.

What this shows me is that I am waiting for my situation to become more ideal and I am comparing my present life to the past life I had where I feel I was more productive/happier.

The truth is, there is lots that has changed in my life due to the qadr of Allah, and this is not out of my own doing, though of course my past actions have had consequences that have affected my present. And as much as I try, things will not be identical to how things were before. In vague terms, I can pursue good friendships, good housing, good pastimes because those are the things which can contribute to my sense of wellbeing, but the finer details of these things will not be the same as what I had before.

This is just a realisation for me that I need to devote an adequate amount of time to the various aspects of my life which I feel matter.

May Allah make this process of time-management easy for us.

Ameen.

Life Audit

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Yesterday we had a teaching session where a GP asked us to consider the various areas of our lives such as health, wealth, career, etc and rate how satisfied we were with each of those areas. Altogether these areas formed the circle of life.

I felt uncomfortable doing the task because it felt strange to me to consider other areas of my life when I was at work. I compartmentalise my life and when I am at uni or on placement, I like to solely focus on that. Here was a man asking me to consider my life in it’s entirety in the presence of my other colleagues and reflect on it. It was really out of my comfort zone.

It’s not like I did not think the process was useful, because I do think it is important for one to ‘audit’ their life regularly, especially as we are Muslims so we should constantly be seeking to improve our lives. It was just that it felt strange to do it at that particular moment and I definitely did not feel comfortable with sharing any of my reflections on it.

The process highlighted once again to me how dissatisfied I was with certain areas of my life. I did not appreciate being reminded of these features during that session. I think my non-Muslim colleagues benefitted from the session because it got them thinking about their futures and the kind of life they wanted.

I try not to think too far ahead about my life because there are far too many uncertainties. I think it is better to live life in a way where we are most concerned about pursuing our most immediate/important concerns. The future is built by the present. Of course it is perfectly acceptable to have milestones and things you would like to achieve, and perhaps you need that so you know how you should live your present.

I know I am very career oriented and in the past, perhaps my life has been more swayed towards this, which is out of my own choice. I do not think there is anything wrong with people prioritising different areas of their life at different times. 

So right now, what do I feel is the most important to me?

  1. Becoming an excellent doctor
  2. Striving to gain islamic knowledge
  3. Building good connections with family/friends and giving da’wah.

The above three are my most important aims. But then I also need to acknowledge the following:

  1. Be well enough to pursue the above health-wise which means doing exercise and eating well.
  2. Be financially comfortable so I can do all the things I want to do in life.
  3. Be able to live comfortably so I can achieve the above more easily inshaAllah.

I know I have very high standards and expectations and this is what can sometimes be my downfall. I pray that Allah allows me to pursue what is the most important to Him and my deen and I pray he gives me the wisdom to know how to allocate my time accordingly.

Family and Weddings

I have had an amazing weekend Alhamdulillah. The family wedding I spoke of in my last post happened and it was fabulous, Alhamdulillah. It was exciting and uplifting and it was lovely to have all my family together and to spend time together.

I started to feel a little sad and anxious near the end because I didn’t want to go back to uni. It is difficult to switch from the party buzz back to the normal 9 to 5.

I am soo blessed to have family members who are willing to go to so much effort to allow nice things to happen. There is a lot of physical exertion involved.

My family is one of the many blessings in my life and I am soo grateful to Allah for allowing me to have them.

Things went well this weekend, and I am sad that it is over. May Allah bring many joyous occassions to all our lives. Ameen.