Tired and Unsure

I had always thought that real friends are the ones you can be real around – the ones you can share the good stuff in your life and the bad stuff. But perhaps my life was more steered towards the bad stuff during the time before the break-up, and she (my friend) struggled to cope and so she withdrew. 

I’m left with so many questions in my mind now. Do I overshare? Am I too clingy? How do I connect with people without being vulnerable?

The truth is, in order to connect with someone on a deeper level, you need to be vulnerable. The prophet (saw) was able to expose his weaknesses to Khadeejah (ra) when he received the revelation. He was shaking and was afraid and his wife comforted him, telling him that he was a special person. The prophet (saw) had to be comfortable showing this weaker side of himself to his beloved wife. Khadeejah (ra) responded in a very affectionate way to this weakness and that is one of the ways they bonded. She supported him when no-one else did and that is why he was devastated after her death.

The truth is, Allah could have taken this friend away from me in many other ways, like she could have died or moved across the world where I would not be able to see her anymore. However, she is still in my life and there is so much khair in that if that is what Allah chooses for us.

I had a challenging day today at work. I had to do a lot of hard work. My job took longer than I had intended and at one point I agreed to do something extra (simply out of kindness) that I could have refused, which made me run further behind. I then got told off by one client’s mother for not acting appropriately. I apologised. It was true – I should have called them to say I was running late. It just didn’t occur to me at the time though. My mind was just in so many different places. It felt like my agenda was greater than the people I was meant to serve.

It made me wonder at the end if I wish to continue with this job. The extra money would be useful and I could potentially use it for some amazing things but is it worth the time, effort and tiredness? I feel exhausted during the week but this can be due to a whole host of reasons. I need to control my caffiene intake. That is probably the culprit behind my tension type headaches from caffiene withdrawal. But I love drinking tea. It brings me so much pleasure to do so. I’m unsure. Perhaps I should get a grip on the tiredness. If I feel well, then that should inshaAllah give me the strength and momentum to be more efficient in other areas of my life too.

May Allah make it easy for all the struggling believers.

Ameen x

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