Wanting to forgive and Let go

I want to forgive my friend and I want to let go, but I’m not sure how to go about it. There were a few painful words she mentioned in her last message to me:

  • “Projection”
  • “Vicarious”
  • “There’s only so much a person can take”
  • “I’m taking a step back”

I thought it was horrible to tell me that I was doing all those things to her in one go. Why couldn’t she have expressed it before as she went along?

It makes me angry to think about. These emotions are too painful. I want to bury them deep, but also I know that I’m struggling to run from them. Today there were too many triggers that bought back painful and difficult thoughts into my mind.

Perhaps I need to think to myself that she was just a human being and she was struggling to cope with me. She is entitled to make mistakes herself. She isn’t perfect! Sometimes I expect people to be good all the time and am disappointed when they are not. 

I need to accept that she does have many great qualities like many other great people do, but she has flaws too, like everyone, even the best of humankind.

Yes, her actions may seem inconsistent with her spoken words but that’s what people are like. They don’t always have a great degree of insight into how they come across. They just are themselves – their actions making sense to themselves  but not worrying too much about what others think.

I would like a better life inshaAllah and I pray that Allah sorts everything.

A Huge Improvement

This week is going a lot better Alhamdulillah. I feel like I am thinking less about that friend of mine in my free time. However, I did ruminate a lot over the weekend, which I do need to stop.

I have deliberately been keeping myself really busy and the headaches have calmed down a lot too. I avoid having cups of tea from when I wake up until around 2-3pm. And the reason for this reduction is due to the caffiene withdrawal (i think) headaches that I get. I don’t want to be dependent on caffiene because it won’t be so accessible all the time.

Also, I feel a lot more with it mentally and emotionally Alhamdulillah. I did get quite stressed and flustered earlier on today though when I had to do a practice consultation in front of my colleagues. I feel like I am really harsh in the way I criticize myself. I need to keep calm and cool and I don’t need to show anyone else that I am stressed or feeling horrible in any way because no-one needs to know and no-one will know unless I make it obvious.

The housing situation is in the process of going forward now as well so I’m feeling hopeful about that. I am really, really busy and I do have little time to myself, but in a way, I wanted it to be that way because I wanted to leave little time for rumination. 

The worst part of the day then, is probably in the morning then, because I struggle to wake up for fajr and I overstay in bed, leading me to get up at the last moment, which means I’ll rush. It’s not off to a great or calm start really.

I am so blessed and privileged to have improved so much since where I was a year ago, where I was practically crying every single day. 

I know life is hard, but with Allah’s power and assistance, I am determined to get through it inshaAllah.

I hope things improve so that I can gain some stability and focus more on me and my deeper goals and ambitions.

May Allah make it easy for everyone.

Release

I just want to release ALL the pain I have inside me. My friend used the word ‘toxic’ to describe our relationship and that really hurt 😦 It did not feel toxic to me at all. In fact, what is toxicity? Maybe it is something I am yet to experience but clearly it was something she felt.

Today was a good day on the whole, Alhamdulillah. Eventhough I missed fajr and breakfast, I felt better during the day than I did the week before. I’m reducing my caffeine intake and this is probably helping. I had fewer of the tension type headaches and was able to listen more closely to the GPs who I was with (I’m a medical student). 

Tired and Unsure

I had always thought that real friends are the ones you can be real around – the ones you can share the good stuff in your life and the bad stuff. But perhaps my life was more steered towards the bad stuff during the time before the break-up, and she (my friend) struggled to cope and so she withdrew. 

I’m left with so many questions in my mind now. Do I overshare? Am I too clingy? How do I connect with people without being vulnerable?

The truth is, in order to connect with someone on a deeper level, you need to be vulnerable. The prophet (saw) was able to expose his weaknesses to Khadeejah (ra) when he received the revelation. He was shaking and was afraid and his wife comforted him, telling him that he was a special person. The prophet (saw) had to be comfortable showing this weaker side of himself to his beloved wife. Khadeejah (ra) responded in a very affectionate way to this weakness and that is one of the ways they bonded. She supported him when no-one else did and that is why he was devastated after her death.

The truth is, Allah could have taken this friend away from me in many other ways, like she could have died or moved across the world where I would not be able to see her anymore. However, she is still in my life and there is so much khair in that if that is what Allah chooses for us.

I had a challenging day today at work. I had to do a lot of hard work. My job took longer than I had intended and at one point I agreed to do something extra (simply out of kindness) that I could have refused, which made me run further behind. I then got told off by one client’s mother for not acting appropriately. I apologised. It was true – I should have called them to say I was running late. It just didn’t occur to me at the time though. My mind was just in so many different places. It felt like my agenda was greater than the people I was meant to serve.

It made me wonder at the end if I wish to continue with this job. The extra money would be useful and I could potentially use it for some amazing things but is it worth the time, effort and tiredness? I feel exhausted during the week but this can be due to a whole host of reasons. I need to control my caffiene intake. That is probably the culprit behind my tension type headaches from caffiene withdrawal. But I love drinking tea. It brings me so much pleasure to do so. I’m unsure. Perhaps I should get a grip on the tiredness. If I feel well, then that should inshaAllah give me the strength and momentum to be more efficient in other areas of my life too.

May Allah make it easy for all the struggling believers.

Ameen x

Rejection

I feel like I was rejected. There were reasons for why my friend decided to step away from me, reasons that I don’t fully understand. It was after I was having a mini emotional breakdown and I turned to her for help, but she did not want to get sucked into my life as she could not take it anymore.

In my opinion, this friend was distancing herself from me for a while.

The thought of this makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me, that I need to change.

My problems are not going to change overnight so anyone who is in my life needs to accept me the way I am.

This space between us is good for me because it is helping me discover who I really am. It can be painful at times because I ruminate or feel confused about how to be in the future.

This friend wasn’t communicating much with me near to the end. Don’t know. She probably had her own troubles which she couldn’t/didn’t share. I should try to not be offended that she did not confide in me. But then, perhaps she does not know what and why she is feeling the way she feels. I think the latter is the case. She always seemed so unemotional and reserved.

I can analyse this to death but it’s not getting me anywhere. So analysis isn’t the key. I won’t be able to work out what was the cause. I can make educated guesses though, but only Allah will truly know inshaAllah.

And so that’s probably an indicator for me that I need to let go. It is so difficult though because that person was such a huge part of my life and you like to stick to what you know and feel comfortable with. Building new relationships require a lot of time, effort and persistence. I don’t know if I have it in my to do it again. But people always break up, then either make up or form new relationships.

Allah will sort everything. There are reasons why He has taken these really close people away from my life. I need to trust Allah. His plan is the greatest plan.

No-one is perfect

Everyone has issues. No-one is perfect. 

I try to be perfect and I have high standards/expectations of the people around me. But I need to be more merciful I think. Or else, my relationships with people will never last. People will be horrible sometimes. They may have mood swings or they will behave in strange ways. Sometimes their words will not match up with their actions – I should try to not let this offend me and instead think to myself that they are struggling too. We all have our issues. No human being is perfect.

I have soo many flaws. I sin regularly and I need to improve my relationship with Allah. That needs the most focus out of everything, though it feels like I give my uni studies more attention than anything (and of course it does require that much attention as I am studying Medicine which is quite intense). I can make my intentions be for the sake of Allah and steer all of my actions in the direction of Allah.

I should not compromise who I am ever! I should not doubt myself because only I truly know what is best for me and what I would like. Of course Allah knows more than me, but out of all human beings, I am the most clued up about my own life than anyone else is.

I should be careful about who I go to for advice because the things that people say often stem from their own experiences and insecurities (which are different to our own).

Being Controlling

I like to be in control. I think I perhaps like to control my friendships to an extent too, i.e. try to solve the problems in their lives. Lives are messy though and a lot of the times there are not clear-cut solutions to the issues we have, especially those involving relationships, health, finances, etc. So the truth is, I can’t solve these messy problems in other peoples’ lives and neither in my own. Only Allah can. So perhaps the better way of being a friend is by saying “hey, i’m here for you, to listen to you, to distract you and remind you of Allah” (but I can’t solve your problems and I won’t try to either. I won’t judge you or try to offer my input because YOU know your life better than I do). Perhaps a little bit of distance in friendship is good then, because if you are too involved in a person’s life, you can’t objectively offer them advice as your emotions are involved with theirs.

This is a huge lesson for me. 

The friend I broke up with is still in my life. Allah chose to keep her in my life. But it can be a struggle when I’m around her. I wonder if she is ok because I can’t quite read her. My life is too intertwined with hers. I’m not sure what is going on.

But perhaps that is just the issue, I don’t need to know. I don’t need to fix her life or make her happy. Allah will do that. I’m in her life and I hope she knows that I am available for whenever she wants/needs. But right now, I need to be separate to her, and not let whatever is happening in her life get to me. We are two separate individuals living our lives.

Everything is good. Allah will make it all better.

The Shame

I am soo soo ashamed of myself and what I did to my friend. I feel terribly bad about overburdening her with my problems. It is embarassing to think of. It’s painful when you regret the past, but also, deep down, I know that it is the only way you learn – through defeat and failure.

You need to experience things going wrong to learn to steer away from certain things in the future. Like if you play with fire and get burnt, then that teaches you that fire is dangerous so you’ll avoid it in the future.

Currently I think these feelings are taking up too much of my energy which leaves me feeling tired and fatigued throughout the day, despite getting enough sleep. Something really needs to change.

I wake up in the morning and I lie in bed looking at my phone, whilst the time for fajr is escaping. I pray just before the crack of dawn, eventhough I could have prayed it earlier and earned more reward. This needs to change. I need to pray my salah on time.

Also, I have noticed I don’t feel as hungry as much these days, so it seems as if my appetite has been affected. Perhaps it is all the thinking and the distress.

I still have to be around this friend of mine and I find it awkward when I’m around her sometimes. I feel like I don’t know how to behave. She seems disengaged at times, or maybe that’s just me being oversensitive and that’s just part of her introverted nature. There seems to be tension in the air and things that aren’t being said. We share a history together which is probably why we can’t just pick up from where we left off.

Turning to Allah

I’m not sure how much I should write about my predicaments. It is true that what happened in my life (the friendship break-up) takes up a lot of mind space. When you go from someone having a big presence in your life, to not so much, it leaves you feeling a little empty – like there’s a void that needs to be filled.

Yesterday I was reminded again by another friend that perhaps the problem was just that – the fact that I depended on her and she was not designed to handle it. Some people do have the ability to listen to your problems and can remain objective and give you good advice. But it seems that this friend struggled and it took me ages to realise, since for ages she was my main source of social support. She once told me she was an “extreme empath” and that she absorbed everyone else’s feelings. She also told me that she sometimes couldn’t work out which feelings were her own and which were the ones of the people around her. I feel sad at the thought of her absorbing all of my negative energy. I feel ashamed of myself and bad about the fact that I hurt her so much, eventhough it wasn’t intentional. I didn’t have situational awareness because I was so in my own little world and trying to fix my own problems.

It didn’t feel like I hurt her at the time, but looking back, there were signs that she wasn’t happy. She looked miserable when she was around me, but when she was around other people, she looked happy and fine. It also seemed as if she was keeping herself distant from me.

I realise now that human beings are fragile and are not designed to handle too much pain. However, Allah can and so this is a reminder for me to turn to Allah and express my problems rather than the people around me.

The prophets (as) would complain to Allah about their grief and suffering, not to other human-beings.

Of course, we are allowed to go to other human beings for advice and help, but I have learnt that this should be in moderation. The main helper is Allah and we should pour out our feelings to Him because He is the ONLY one who has the power to change it.

Perhaps this blog will give me a healthy space to express myself so that I’ve had my say and that these thoughts won’t linger on in my mind and make me ruminate.

I feel good sometimes after writing a good blog post, like I’ve had some sort of epiphany and made some grand realisations about life. This will make me feel happy and positive.

So  in conclusion, I just needed to remind myself that only Allah can change my situation so I should turn my face more towards HIM when it comes to my sorrow, grief and trials.

A new start

It was a recent break-up with my best friend that spurred me to begin a new blog. I felt like I needed to find an avenue to express myself in a healthy way.

She was my main form of social support for the last five years of my life and in hindsight I depended on her too much to help resolve the issues in my life.

It reached a point where she just could not handle it any more and decided to take a step away from my life. I overburdened her by sharing way too much about my life and my problems, including financial, health-related matters, family worries and concerns, etc. She has a lot of empathy which made her the ideal candidate at the time for sharing my worries as it would feel as if I had unloaded a great weight. But that was the problem, she began to carry that weight and what seems to have happened is that she didn’t want to do it anymore. I needed to learn to cope by myself and she needed to learn to focus on herself and prioritise herself. So she stepped away from me.

I was hurt, I still am. But it was the best choice and it was good for her and it was important for me too.

I adore this friend and she still continues to be in my life, by the grace of God. Things aren’t the same between us anymore but for some reason or other, Allah has kept each other in each others’ lives. That is true qadr.

It feels a little awkward to me when I am around her because we share a past together and those memories are not easily forgotten. When we see each other, we are around other people the majority of the times at university so there are distractions. However, if we find ourselves alone, I feel this tension and this void.

This all happened nearly two months ago but it still occupies a lot of my headspace. I’m not completely over it and I continue to ruminate about it, mostly when I’m by myself. That is why I feel it is important to keep myself busy and active.

I was considering getting some counselling, but after a recent meet-up with another close friend of mine (who I hadn’t seen for over a year), I think I’m kind of steering away from it. She reminded me that sometimes other people interfere with your thought processes when it is you yourself who truly knows what is best for you. We have to live our own dreams and carry out our own ambitions. No-one else can live our lives for us and live with the consequences of our decisions, even if it was they themselves who influenced our decisions.

I’m hoping this blog can take the role of a counsellor inshaAllah as an outlet and a place where I can confidently and clearly express myself without worrying about the judgement that comes with telling a human person.

I want to be a better person inshaAllah. A person who can serve Allah and the ummah much better. This is quite a broad aim and there are many ways I can go about it. So here is a start then – to become more self aware and better at problem solving.

These are again some broad aims where the results can’t be clearly measured. Perhaps the blog can be an aid for reflection and self improvement.

I hope what I can say can be of interest to others. I will be in touch soon inshaAllah.