It was a recent break-up with my best friend that spurred me to begin a new blog. I felt like I needed to find an avenue to express myself in a healthy way.
She was my main form of social support for the last five years of my life and in hindsight I depended on her too much to help resolve the issues in my life.
It reached a point where she just could not handle it any more and decided to take a step away from my life. I overburdened her by sharing way too much about my life and my problems, including financial, health-related matters, family worries and concerns, etc. She has a lot of empathy which made her the ideal candidate at the time for sharing my worries as it would feel as if I had unloaded a great weight. But that was the problem, she began to carry that weight and what seems to have happened is that she didn’t want to do it anymore. I needed to learn to cope by myself and she needed to learn to focus on herself and prioritise herself. So she stepped away from me.
I was hurt, I still am. But it was the best choice and it was good for her and it was important for me too.
I adore this friend and she still continues to be in my life, by the grace of God. Things aren’t the same between us anymore but for some reason or other, Allah has kept each other in each others’ lives. That is true qadr.
It feels a little awkward to me when I am around her because we share a past together and those memories are not easily forgotten. When we see each other, we are around other people the majority of the times at university so there are distractions. However, if we find ourselves alone, I feel this tension and this void.
This all happened nearly two months ago but it still occupies a lot of my headspace. I’m not completely over it and I continue to ruminate about it, mostly when I’m by myself. That is why I feel it is important to keep myself busy and active.
I was considering getting some counselling, but after a recent meet-up with another close friend of mine (who I hadn’t seen for over a year), I think I’m kind of steering away from it. She reminded me that sometimes other people interfere with your thought processes when it is you yourself who truly knows what is best for you. We have to live our own dreams and carry out our own ambitions. No-one else can live our lives for us and live with the consequences of our decisions, even if it was they themselves who influenced our decisions.
I’m hoping this blog can take the role of a counsellor inshaAllah as an outlet and a place where I can confidently and clearly express myself without worrying about the judgement that comes with telling a human person.
I want to be a better person inshaAllah. A person who can serve Allah and the ummah much better. This is quite a broad aim and there are many ways I can go about it. So here is a start then – to become more self aware and better at problem solving.
These are again some broad aims where the results can’t be clearly measured. Perhaps the blog can be an aid for reflection and self improvement.
I hope what I can say can be of interest to others. I will be in touch soon inshaAllah.