I reflect on a friendship that was dear to me,
It has taught me quite a lot,
For many years I felt valued and special,
I felt important and honoured,
So what felt like the end of that friendship brought to surface my own flaws,
I questioned what led to the end of it,
And since we couldn’t make sense of it together,
I had to make sense of it on my own.
I was far too dependent on her for my happiness and wellbeing,
That’s not great to put all that pressure on one person, it’s suffocating.
When she pointed out her hurt,
I was incredibly angry and upset,
How dare she say that to me when I’m falling apart,
When she resumes life like normal (an assumption I had made, might be wrong of course).
It took a lot of time, a few emotional outbursts, lots of crying fits, angry/upset blog posts and prayers for me to stand back and say,
It was for the best.
It was highly uncomfortable to split my life from hers,
It felt like a personal attack from her,
Eventhough she said it wasn’t rejection and that she respected me and thought I was a good person,
I perceived her actions in the most negative way ever,
Because it hurt me to my very core.
But it has built resilience within me,
I’ve grown up a lot this past year,
Learnt to live by myself, look after my own emotions (rather than run to others to care for my own),
I took responsibility and ownership of my life,
There were some very dark moments and I grieved and I hated her so much at times,
For not meeting with me, for doing things though messaging,
It felt disrespectful towards me, a lack of concern for my hardships, for painful times we lived through,
It felt like I was abandoned and betrayed.
But then I began to craft a new narrative,
Maybe there was something happening in her life that prevented her from approaching me directly,
Maybe she had no choice and was left in a very difficult position and she had to make that choice to sacrifice our friendship for the greater good,
Sometimes sacrifices need to be made and there are good reasons for doing so,
Sometimes we need to sacrifice those we love the most for a greater cause.
And so I feel more at peace, I feel less bitter and more merciful,
And I feel happy with myself that I have reached this place,
It took a lot from me, and there are bigger battles happening in the world around me,
I need to redirect my attention and reroute myself to find something important again,
Something that excites me, something I can devote my time and attention to, something that doesn’t feel like a chore to carry out,
Something that provides that momentum and adds some drive and direction to my life.
I feel devoid of motivation and inspiration right now,
I need a reason to live and continue,
Rather than be a mole that wanders,
Desperately searching for some light and some way of being set free from the day-to-day chaos and trivialities of serving a capitalist empire.
I’m searching for something more,
I know what is important to me and what my values are,
I just need to find an activity that aligns with my values.
We can’t live in the future or kid ourselves into thinking that what we are doing right now might be useful in a very long time,
It very well could be, but I’m on a long-haul flight,
And I’ve been on this flight for so long that I feel strongly impatient to create some good within the society,
So I’m searching for those milestones, things I can do in between on this long-haul flight to fill me with that sense of satisfaction and fulfilment.
I’m not in control though, Allah knows what is around the corner and things may change tomorrow,
And with the changes in life may come alterations in my plans and my dreams.
Our plan of action can’t stay fixed, as long as our values and core beliefs remain unwavering,
As long as we continue having conviction in what we believe in inshaAllah.