A Poem on Painful Feelings and Memories

It’s ok to be sad,

It’s ok to feel rubbish.

The world is a complex place,

With lots of people and issues to navigate.

I was hurt and I still am,

But I hope and pray that Allah closes those wounds,

So I can continue with the rest of my life.

I want to accept myself for the way I am,

And be kind and merciful to myself.

It’s ok to make mistakes,

It’s ok to fall and do silly things.

It’s ok to be jealous and envious.

I’m human after all.

I cannot rid myself of these feelings,

And it’s not helpful to punish myself,

Or get angry and frustrated if I feel this way,

All I’m doing is prolonging the suffering and the pain.

The sea will sometimes be turbulent,

The weather will sometimes be stormy outside,

But that’s ok as it will pass.

Nothing is permanent.

It is our judgements and reactions that prolong the pain and cause suffering.

Sometimes the sea will flow gently,

Other times there will be big strong waves.

I will ride with it,

Go with the flow.

Embrace life with all that it brings.

There is beauty in existence,

This world can’t have cropped up by itself or come into being,

Without the doings of a great, divine being.

He made things that no human being could,

He put beautiful sights in our world,

And filled it with joy and happiness.

Joy in our family, friends,

The things we aspire to be and achieve.

He fills it with meaning and purpose,

Or else we’d just be empty, soul-less creatures,

Being confused and not really knowing what to do,

And most are lost.

But islam provides hope, salvation, a way out from the miseries of life.

A chance to be better, have better, be saved.

Ya Allah, please show us your mercy,

And allow us to prosper in our deen.

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A Poem On Accepting Allah’s Decree

It’s ok, this was destined to occur,

Allah decreed this from above the heavens.

And His plan is the best plan,

And that is not to be challenged but to be accepted.

Think of all the people who lose their loved ones in accidents,

There’s no closure or forgiveness,

Or a chance to tell them that they are and were truly loved.

All the horrid things that were said,

Or the lack of explanations,

All of these things are just left to linger,

No completion or end or closure.

Perhaps that is because closure will be reached on the day of judgement,

Where Allah will settle all matters once and for all,

And He is the best of judges.

I wish I could love him more,

And I wish that my peace, happiness, love and joy is found in Him,

So that I am not in need of any other human being,

So that I can completely let go of any grudge or not be bothered by what other people think,

Or say about me,

Because I will know and accept that it doesn’t matter,

Only Allah’s opinion does.

And I can focus my attentions and energy,

On pleasing Him – the master of the universe.

Oh world and all its’ joys, how much you deceived me,

How much I thought I could find joy and happiness in you,

And I do at times, but only for a short while,

Because those minor feelings and things fade away,

Like all things in the dunya,

But faith remains,

It is what existed before all of this,

Why we are here,

And the only thing that will remain,

Once the world ends.

So better to hold onto that,

And pursue the best thing of all,

Than toil away at pursuing people and things,

Which will break our hearts,

Over and over again.

So I want to proclaim,

That I am done with the dunya,

And I hope and pray that Allah allows me to act upon such a bold statement,

So that I live with conviction,

Even if it means that I am different to everybody else,

And that I’m alone.

The hardest paths usually are that way,

But that’s the way to Allah,

And He’ll make it easy for those who try,

Ameen!

A Poem On Chasing The World

The world is a place of such deception and insincerity,

And it sucks you in so you become,

Just like the other fools who are chasing money, women, status, attention.

They want to come out on top,

Be the biggest and the best.

I better watch out or I’ll just become like the rest.

I want to go back to my Lord with a clean heart,

But right now I make excuses as I’m surrounded by competition, wealth,

People who want fame and glory.

How tough it is to stick to the truth,

And remain on the straight path.

Oh how I’ve always wished the world was better, kinder, warmer, safer.

But how I’m coming to accept that people are vicious,

In it for themselves.

They form alliances to serve their greed and need for power,

Not truly respecting each other or the women they violate.

How my values are so at odds with the rest of the world,

And Oh Lord, please unite me with those who are fair, kind, sincere and loving,

Towards me and towards the rest of the world.

But people who are also firm and robust in a world where there are snakes and scorpions,

That bite and sting and bring so much distress.

Oh how I want to sometimes go and just hide in a cave,

Escape from reality and build a fantasy island,

Filled with all the things I find joy and delight in,

But not on earth, i’ll have to wait,

For jannah – a place of everlasting bliss.

But right now I must toil and suffer,

Make the wisest decisions to stick around or depart,

When I’m around those who would probably push me to the ground,

Who are full of self interest and couldn’t care less,

About those who are suffering,

As they have it all filled on their plates.

What was I expecting, jannah on earth?

For that can’t be possible so I’ll have to have sabr and stick it out,

Continue praying for a way out,

And acceptance and approval from my beautiful Lord.

The One I don’t pray to or honour enough,

As I’m exhausting myself whilst chasing the world,

Forgetting time and again that it is just an illusion,

And will one day crumble and fall.

Oh how I wish that by then, I will have done enough,

To save myself and pass the test.

Ameen.

A Poem On Trying to Find Peace and Acceptance

There’s a place of stillness and quiet,

Where we can all reach,

If we go deep down.

Our breath can ground us,

Bring us back to where we are,

Show us who we are,

A vulnerable human being,

Who is lost without our Creator.

Oh Lord, please grant me acceptance,

Please grant me peace,

Allow me to be content with all that you offer me,

Allow me to see the goodness in everything.

Let me develop good habits,

Let me break off bad ones.

Let me just be happy to be myself,

Free in this turbulent world.

Oh Lord, islam is the most beautiful thing in the world,

But it takes so much hard work to be good at it –

Being a Muslim that is.

If only I can let go of these impossible standards I set myself,

And love and respect myself,

Fostering mercy and kindness,

Towards myself and others.

Oh Lord, how selfish I have been,

How much I only think of myself.

It’s this profession –

It is draining me of energy.

Please grant me something better than this.

An escape,

Something that allows me to be a better Muslim.

All this doubt,

All this negativity,

All this confusion.

Ya Allah, please grant me clarity once again,

Grant me completeness,

Provide for me the strength,

And courage to be brave and bold.

Somewhere where I can be a better Muslim again.

Somewhere where I can impress you,

And earn your approval.

A Poem On Feeling Better

I feel so much better today Alhamdulillah.

Seeing a friend distracted me,

Gave me a break,

Forced me to turn away from the reactions in my brain.

I was hating on my flaws,

Feeling bad about myself,

She made me feel better,

Telling me what her flaws were,

That she’s always apologising for it.

She’s such a sweet and lovely girl,

And that’s why people love her,

And speak highly of her.

She reminded me of self-acceptance,

That our personalities are our own.

They can’t be changed.

We are what we are.

So we need to learn to love ourselves,

Forgive ourselves when we mess up,

And apologise to the ones we hurt,

That we’re sorry,

We’ll put things right.

I don’t mean to be difficult,

It’s just that I really neglect myself,

The cleaning, the chores, the washing,

So that I can focus on Medicine.

But medicine isn’t satisfying me so much these days,

It’s just something that I want to be over,

So then I can reevaluate what I should aim for next inshaAllah.

It can bring money to my life,

Make my parents happy,

They just want to see me reach a position in life,

Want to see the end result of all the hard-work and struggle.

InshaAllah, it will all be worth it one day.

A poem from sadness

Oh Lord, how I have neglected you,

I chose sin over goodness and loyalty.

I gave into my weaknesses,

Time and time again,

When I feel low and need cheering.

I can slip up all the time,

But then I feel guilty,

And it adds more pain to the bag.

I don’t like the person that I am,

There is too much that has happened in my life that I can’t make sense of.

Shaytan makes me focus on what I don’t have,

When instead, God has given me so much.

I’m on the road to recovery, happiness.

I have new friendships.

I might not like what happened to me,

But it was from Allah.

All the believers behave towards me,

Exactly how Allah decreed for them.

I will be patient,

And fully trust Allah that He knows what is happening.

This was how it was supposed to be.

The dunya was supposed to hurt me,

Turn me down on my knees.

It is hard.

But how we make it harder,

By judging ourselves,

And treating ourselves like a punching bag.

Oh things will be better inshaAllah.

We will rise out of this inshaAllah.

On Hating Conflict and Confrontations

I hate confrontation. I hate having my flaws exposed when I try so hard to avoid them, but boy have they been exposed today, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

When you live with people, they get to see the real you, the person you hide from public – the messy you, the one that hasn’t showered, the one that walks around in their old pyjamas with their greasy, unwashed hair. They also see you more often so they get to build a fuller picture of who you are and what you stand for.

I definitely have issues. I do get very defensive when someone criticizes me or sounds quite accusatory in their manner and tone. It has happened many times before where I react back with “erm hang on, that isn’t fair or just”, but actually, have I been fair and just? And in this scenario I hadn’t been. We had a contract where we agreed to do all of our duties, and I don’t think I fully honoured my side of it. I’ve definitely let things go a little bit from my side.

I want to blame it on the world. Maybe a few years ago I would have been more humble and more open about owning upto mistakes. But unfortunately, we are living in a highly competitive, dog-eat-dog, capitalist world where there is a risk of litigation or being kicked out of our jobs and careers if we mess up. Course we will mess up, we are human. But owning up to our mistakes might give people more of a reason to pin down the failings of an organisation on one individual. It is way easier to get rid of someone, than it is to create change within a culture or organisation. So perhaps I’ve been influenced by this culture and developed an attitude of defence which can be quite tricky when it comes to dealing with family and friends. I can’t take their criticism of me seriously. People rarely own up to their flaws. Some people just can’t see it or don’t want to see it as it would hurt them too much to accept it about themselves, so they try to find fault in their environment when something happens that they’re a part of but don’t like.

We all have our part to play in every conflict. Maybe I wasn’t humble enough when owning upto my flaws. I tried to detract attention away from my failures so that we could focus on other things, but it didn’t work. I find her flaws annoying too – like the fact that everything I do wrong is being picked on. It reminds me of my mother and being criticized at home for the lack of housework.

I sometimes wonder how a person like me is supposed to live with people. I definitely can be very distant. I don’t trust people and I won’t open upto everybody as they just wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t think we all need to be the best of friends, but just perhaps be able to get along with each other, have compassion and understanding. Maybe I’m struggling to have compassion from my perspective. I think I can be quite self centred. I struggle to see the world from perspectives beyond my own. I am quite judgemental and do lack empathy.

It is hard to survive in this world without having any form of conflict. We are all so different as human beings. We’ve had a different upbringing and we all have different communication styles. Our manners and our tones can be quite different and so we sometimes misunderstand each other. We don’t always fully convey ourselves or say what we really think of/about the other person as we don’t want to hurt their feelings, we don’t want to hurt our friendship or relationship. 

All relationships have issues. But I just wonder, which ones do I bring out to the surface and talk about, and which ones do I just try to let go of and allow it to be?

That is quite hard to answer.

Things On My Mind

And so what is on my mind:

  • All the things I have to do and whether I will be able to do it and how I will do it – not helpful to think about it as it’s all down on paper and I have generally been able to stick to this timetable.
  • The girl that broke up with me. She seems to be acting normal and friendly around me again. I hate that she thinks everything can be so normal. I imagine scenarios in my head where we get to talk about things and confront things – I have done what I can do to control this. I have no control over the actions of others. I need to trust Allah that this is what is best for me 🙂
  • What do I do with my life. How do I fill the spaces? How do I allign my values with my actions? – Gaining this degree will allow me to get a good job with good money inshaAllah, so I can help people with that money and be rewarded iA. I can then reevaluate my life again soon and set new goals, but for the next 6 weeks, I need to create some distance between me and everything else and focus on preparing for this exam, as well as keeping myself sane, healthy and alert inshaAllah.

I have every right to approach life My Own Way

Today I felt overwhelmed,

Doubtful of my methodology.

I’m not equivalent to others,

But yet I can’t help but doubt myself,

When I don’t quite measure upto others.

Their methods aren’t better than mine,

That’s probably just how they learn.

We all learn differently,

And I can’t let myself be swept away by what others do,

That’s what’s right for them, 

Not me.

I am my own person,

An original.

I will be assertive,

As I know what is best for me,

We are all different and distinct from one another.

We will all be different in our abilities,

And our approaches,

As we think differently,

And our brains/lives are just varied.

These other humans are not better than me,

I will not think that,

Rather, we are just different human beings,

With a different skill-set,

And a different set of strengths and weaknesses.

I have earned the right to be here.

I am an intelligent, ambitious and caring person.

I have the skills needed to succeed in my endeavours.

All I need now is faith and confidence.

I will believe in myself,

As I have the power to pounce through this inshaAllah.

Allah has this sorted,

He has decided our rizq.

Our gifts will descend from the sky 🙂

People Confuse Me/Make Me Doubt Myself

Being around other medics does tend to stress me out. They confuse me and I start to doubt whether I’m doing the right thing with my learning.

Well, we all learn in different ways and actually, I quite enjoy being on the wards and talking to patients. It provides me with some motivation and some incentive to go away and read about something.

If I didn’t have these patients, then the world would be my oyster and there would be decision fatigue with what to learn when I go home.

I have identified that this is my way of learning, so I will be confident in sticking to it inshaAllah. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does. They’re probably going home and procrastinating or going on facebook or netflix. But here I am, trying to make the most out of this learning experience.

InshaAllah it will be worth it.